I remember it from when I was much younger, 8 or 9 years old. Was so scared that night and confused. Heard shouting and arguing between them and my eldest brother, things getting thrown, anger and violence.

Me getting shoved back in my room, sitting against the door listening and the falling asleep against it.

Then for a few days later me getting told that my Dad was never coming back, me not wanting to believe that it was true, I never did for a long time.

Then for facing some friends in school about it, didn't tell anyone really for a long time.

I remember bits and pieces from those few years leading upto and after it, mostly bad things, people crying in my family and me not understanding.

It was the day we were due to go food shopping, had just moved house. Wasn't much food in. My mum is calling my Dad during the day "you're coming home early for food shopping, right?" "yeah, bye"... half five... not home yet. Start to wonder where he is. Getting excited about going for a food shop. We weren't often allowed to go on the big ones. Three kids running around, who wants that?

Then a phone call ... "I won't be coming home tonight, or again, there's a letter in the cigar humidifier explaining it all" ... we get the cigar humidifier down. The letter smells musty, of Dad. the whole letter explains financial agreements he's put in place. That he's fallen in love with another woman. He's not happy anymore.

I'd only heard one fight before that, and that scared the fuck out of me.

We all started crying. My little sister was meant to go next door to sleep that night, we run round there, screaming "DADS LEFT!". The neighbour goes to ours to see our mum, we go in and just sit watching TV. Letting it sink in.

fuck. he's gone.

that night I sat on a windowledge and almost jumped off. I was 11. It might not have killed me, but the intent was there. I had friends trying to drag me back through the window.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

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From a distance you look like my friend,

even though we are at war.