And after a while, I perfected the problem and you'd never solve it and it was mine, and I won because winning is crucial when you want to be perfect.
I was then obsessed with the number that was sown to all of my clothes, because numbers were so important.
And it dropped, first slowly, then faster. 12, 10, 8. And it was right and it was even, and it was small. Because size becomes vital when you want to be perfect. And there's still something missing, I'm not perfect.
It's sixteen days until my sixteenth birthday.
And this is a poem, so read it with rhythm and find a pace and understand that it's there to inform and describe.
It's just different, because I'm different and I'm going to be sixteen and I'm going to be perfect, I swear on your life, I swear on mine.
I'll do it, with or without you, because in sixteen days, on my sixteenth birthday, it'll be a year since the end.
And I have to be perfect or else you win, and if you win...

NB, this is a piece of writing, don't reply with advice on the situation of the character, it's FICTION!

Post edited at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by Anonymous

EDIT: You or your character.

Post edited at 10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by White Ninja

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Dear World,
You need me.

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The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

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That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

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That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  

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The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.

And thinking about it again, I think it's more powerful if the "narrator" doesn't have to declare that it's a poem. She is so obsessed with the idea of perfection racing through her mind--why would she be caring about whether her audience sees that it's a poem? And also--why should the poem explicitly state that it is a poem? It makes me think, Why does it feel the need to convince me? I'm at a loss for words, I just really hate that line a lot, I'm sorry.

Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.

Post edited at 10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by The Sarah

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weee

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Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

---

 

That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  

---

The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.

Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.

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I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think.

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

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The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

---

 

 That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece

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 The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.  

 Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.

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I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think.

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Alright, and I "redrafted" my last comment lol. I won't be around until later this evening but can you PM it to me or something? I'd be really interested in seeing draft #2.

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weee

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Is the title of this topic the title of the poem?

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No, I don't have one yet. Redraft done!