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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Because it's important, when you want to be perfect.
Replies: 11Last Post Aug. 24, 2008 8:00am by The Sarah
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( Anonymous )

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It's been thirteen months and thirteen days since I embarked on this mission to become perfect. I began with the number of words that fall out of my mouth. Because numbers were so important, and algebra was key, and I wanted to win so you couldn't know what "x" was. So I gave you the digits to put together, and to add and subtract and multiply and divide and you didn't know the answer. And it was "I love you."

And after a while, I perfected the problem and you'd never solve it and it was mine, and I won because winning is crucial when you want to be perfect.
I was then obsessed with the number that was sown to all of my clothes, because numbers were so important.
And it dropped, first slowly, then faster. 12, 10, 8. And it was right and it was even, and it was small. Because size becomes vital when you want to be perfect. And there's still something missing, I'm not perfect.
It's sixteen days until my sixteenth birthday.
And this is a poem, so read it with rhythm and find a pace and understand that it's there to inform and describe.
It's just different, because I'm different and I'm going to be sixteen and I'm going to be perfect, I swear on your life, I swear on mine.
I'll do it, with or without you, because in sixteen days, on my sixteenth birthday, it'll be a year since the end.
And I have to be perfect or else you win, and if you win...

NB, this is a piece of writing, don't reply with advice on the situation of the character, it's FICTION!

Post edited at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by Anonymous


10:10 am on Aug. 19, 2008
White Ninja


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Perfect people are boring. I hope you never accomplish your mission.

EDIT: You or your character.

Post edited at 10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by White Ninja

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10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Mar. 2006 | Days Active: 262
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Jadien


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This was awesome.

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Indescribable.

10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 198
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The Sarah

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The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

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weee

10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 272
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( Anonymous )

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).

That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  


10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008
Xhiddenartist17X


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ick. No thanks wish I never read that

10:16 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 168
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The Sarah

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Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).
 

That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  


The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.

And thinking about it again, I think it's more powerful if the "narrator" doesn't have to declare that it's a poem. She is so obsessed with the idea of perfection racing through her mind--why would she be caring about whether her audience sees that it's a poem? And also--why should the poem explicitly state that it is a poem? It makes me think, Why does it feel the need to convince me? I'm at a loss for words, I just really hate that line a lot, I'm sorry.

Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.

Post edited at 10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008 by The Sarah

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weee


10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 272
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( Anonymous )

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).
 

That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece  


The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.

Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.


I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think.


10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008
The Sarah

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Quote: from Anonymous at 10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from The Sarah at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008

The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).
 

 That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece


 

 The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.  

 Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind.


I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think.


Alright, and I "redrafted" my last comment lol. I won't be around until later this evening but can you PM it to me or something? I'd be really interested in seeing draft #2.

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weee


10:24 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 272
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The Sarah

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Is the title of this topic the title of the poem?

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weee

10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 272
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( Anonymous )

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Quote: from The Sarah at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008

Is the title of this topic the title of the poem?

No, I don't have one yet. Redraft done!


10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008
The Sarah

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Sorry I haven't had time to look at this. :( When my homework for summer is done I'll come back to it. I like the poetry line even worse than the first one, though.

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weee

8:00 am on Aug. 24, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 272
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