My boyfriend took me in. His landlord was a jerk. He rented a room in a house with a couple of other guys. The other guys didn't like my boyfriend because the other guys (2) wanted to become police officers but could never pass background investigations. They both had to became low grade security guards. For the first week, I stayed in his room while he went to work. I never came out, I watched TV and looked at apartment listings. I lost my job during this time so I looked for work at the same time.

After 3 weeks, his room mates complained about  
me. Even though one guy had his girlfriend over 5 days out of the week and she slept over, while the other guy was dating this girl for a year and even proposed to her, but had another girl on the side that came over 3 days out of the week to spend the night with him. I never left his room, half the time they didn't know I was there. Well, they kept complaining so they gave my boyfriend a 30 day notice. And I wasn't allowed to be in the house if he wasn't there, so while he was at work, I lived in his car. I never had money, so I had to dig around the car for quarters, nickels, and dimes to buy hot dogs at 7-11. I only ate once a day, I lost so much weight I was so hungry most of the time.

We finally moved into an apartment together. He hurt my feelings a lot. His ex-girlfriend who now is his best friend was awesome to me, she always put him in his place. Like once he made me ball because he said, "God, I don't want to move in with you by force". I was so sad, I felt so horrible. His ex said he shouldn't tell me such things because they hurt and he tried to defend himself, but she is the type of girl if you are in the wrong, she won't hesitate to tell you.

We moved in. He said he felt better about it. He said he didn't like feeling of moving together because we are forced. He has gotten over that. But now? It gets real bad. Like he had to go to training sometimes and wake up real early and was real mean to me. He would push me away, he would call me annoying and he even called me a bitch. When we argue, you becomes this monster. Today, he called me an asshole 3 or 4 times. All because we got lost. I told him to pull over so I could walk home. He told me not to bother coming home, that he didn't want me there. I started to cry, it hurt so bad. I have serious abandonment issues. Once I started to cry he felt bad about it and apologized.

One fight, we started to put my clothes in a bag and packing me things and was yelling about how pathetic I was and how much he resented me. I don't fight back, I roll into a ball and cry. He was so mean that I was wearing a shirt of his and he forced me to take it off and give it to him. He said to take everything so I didn't have to ever come back. He tells me I am worthless, that I am an asshole, and that I will never get anywhere in life.

We fight like that once a month. He usually protective of me. He usually smothers me with hugs and kisses. He does romantic things like sneaks home on his lunch breaks and leaves me a dozen of roses with "I love you" cards. I know everyone has fights, but sometimes it feels like too much.

I think I am bipolar. I have depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder from being raped by my dad. My boyfriend and I used to have sex in the beginning of our relationship. But since moving in, we stopped having sex. He came into contact with HIV and now we have to wait a year to make sure he is free and clear.  

Live Wire, thank you for reading. But I did something stupid. I can't stand the overwhelming feeling of depression I have. I have taken 4 mgs of Xanax and 2.5 mgs of Zyprexa. I am not sure if it is an overdose. I am suppose to use one in order to stop panic attacks. I just want to go to sleep and forget today. I don't want to remember. I want to sleep forever. I am sorry, I just want this depression to stop.

Edit:
Because I am disabled from my mental health, I do get money from the government. They give me money for food, shelter, and utilites, which I sign over to my boyfriend. He is a better money manager than me.

Post edited at 8:43 pm on Aug. 8, 2008 by Anonymous

---

awww....i am so sorry that has happened to you...please dont die there are people who love you...this is so sad i wanna help u how can i

---

I don't feel love. My entire family has left me and my friends? Are all on the other side of the country.