An old man hobbles into the confessional. The priest slides open the panel and the old man says, 'I'm 84 years old. I just picked up two teenaged girls hitchhiking, took them to a motel room, and made love to both of them. Twice.'

The priest says, 'Well, are you sorry for your sins?'

'What sins?' says the old man.

'What sins???' remarks the priest incredulously, 'What kind of Catholic are you?'

'I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish,' says the old man.

'Well then, why are you telling ME all this?' asks the priest.

'I'm telling EVERYONE.' says the old man.

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

The lady was a Southern woman who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said with a small smile.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "Why, the same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me".

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. A grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney? "She again replied, "Why yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney almost died.

The judge told both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A 7.5 Earthquake Hits Mexico

150,000 Mexicans die and over a million injured.

The country is in total ruin and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world rises to their aid.

Canada sends troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community sends food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, sent 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."

He won the case.

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

The FBI was badly in need of top agents. They began a nationwide search of their active agents who showed great promise as prospective trainees for this position.

They found three candidates. Before training could begin, each candidate would have to pass a test. The purpose of the test was to determine whether the trainee could kill on demand, and without remorse. On the day of the test, the three candidates showed up and were placed in a waiting room.

The first trainee was then brought in and given instructions: "Here's your weapon, trainee. I want you to go into the next room and kill the person sitting there." "No problem", replied the trainee. He entered the room and, after a few seconds, returned and said, "I'm sorry, I can't kill that woman - that's my wife." He was dismissed.

The second trainee was brought in and given instructions: "I want you to take this gun and go into the other room and kill the person sitting there". "Okay", said the trainee. He went into the next room and then returned shortly. "I can't kill her, she's my girlfriend!" He was also dismissed.

The agents were getting nervous. They were down to only one possible trainee. So they brought him in and gave him instructions: "You see this gun? Take it into the next room with you and kill the person sitting there!" "No problem." The man grabbed the gun and walked briskly into the next room. "Blam! Blam! Blam!" Three shots. Then silence, followed by "CRASH! BANG! BOOM!". The man came out furious!

He said, "Why didn't you tell me there were blanks in the gun?!? I had to beat her to death with the chair!!!"

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A rancher was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and still alive but kicking and squealing so much I can't get it free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: " I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals - The SAPS are invited as guests. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" The South African Police Services arrives at the forest a week late, receives the briefing, then asks, "How you spell this one, this rubit thing ?" After photo indicates are distributed they locate the rabbit three weeks later, but he escaped from custody within 4 hours by posing as a policeman.

Post edited at 5:46 pm on June 24, 2009 by Jasonzlpa

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.