Every word must have a purpose.

That "ah" in the third stanza... what's it doing there? What's it's purpose?

Also, you have no sense of meter, or rhythm, or parallel structure

Also you keep switching tenses ALL over the place hmmmm

Post edited at 9:59 am on July 6, 2008 by Micus

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Educators destroy your brain,
but you don't know, so why care?
Fagotto

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Also, it seems like you have random shit thrown in for no reason.

Every word must have a purpose.

That "ah" in the third stanza... what's it doing there? What's it's purpose?

Also, you have no sense of meter, or rhythm, or parallel structure  

Also you keep switching tenses ALL over the place hmmmm

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wow.. thanks for the help, i didnt realize i would just get a bunch of negative attention.. some of my better stuff may be found on my vf.. if you would like to critique that.. which i would almost appreciate.. i enjoy an honest oppinion and really appreciate you doing so in a productive way.. check it out?
http://vampirefreaks.com/journal/Xbleed-to-breatheX
thank you once again.


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Tu tienes mi corazon en tus manos. Que vas a hacer?

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Just about everything I said can be applied to most of your stuff.

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haha, thank you.

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Tu tienes mi corazon en tus manos. Que vas a hacer?

Also, lol at the the guy who didn't like the poem because it doesn't rhyme.

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Death is the ultimate experience. The last thing to die is hope.

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It seems like most of us were giving you constructive criticism, not negative attention - even that one guy who said you were no Shakespeare from before probably basically just told you to improvement and wasn't all that insulting. No matter how awful a poem could be it could be improved with a little more practice.

Also, lol at the the guy who didn't like the poem because it doesn't rhyme.

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hah, okay.. well thank you to EVERYONE who gave me a comment at all.. i appreciate it <3

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Tu tienes mi corazon en tus manos. Que vas a hacer?