Then she overheard her brother and his girlfriend call each other a slut and a whore. so she asked what they meant and he said they mean hats and coats.

Then she got off of school for thanksgiving she heard her dad say shit while he cut himself shaving and asked what it meant. He said it meant shaving cream.

She went down stairs and saw her mom cut herself and say fuck. she asked what it meant and the mom said it meant stuffing.

Then the doorbell rang she opened it and found the guests there.

She said to them,"Hello BITCHES and BASTARDS,may I take ur SLUTS and WHORES? My dad is upstairs wiping SHIT off his face and my mom is FUCKING the turkey!!!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

-----

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score. He clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

This is a major breakthrough, women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee I Don't Know!" , says the guy.

"Go see Sophie in isle 4," says the clerk.

So the guy goes over to Sophie, who grabs his dick and says, "Medium!"

The guy looks mortified, pays and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to get condoms and is sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs his balls and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the cash register, pays and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

The clerk asks, "What size?"

The kid embaressedly says, "I've never done this before I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs his dick and yells, "Cleanup in aisle 4!"


-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."


-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head.

The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened.

The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"


-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!