"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

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Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

One officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He’s 6 feet tall and gets $72,000

A second, smarter officer asks to be measured from the tip of his raised hands to the tips of his toes. He earns $96,000.

The third man who is volunteering for early retirement is a grizzled old captain. “Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles,” he demands.

The medical officer in charge explains that this might not be terribly profitable. But the captain insists.

He drops his trouser and the medical officer places the tape measure on the tip of the captain’s penis and begins to work back.

“My God!” the medical officer gasps. “Where are your testicles?”

The captain replies, “Vietnam.”

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."

Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of? Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me.You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first"

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny: "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

http://www.golivewire.com/forums/topic.cgi?topic=324629&support=Humping&z=my&z=bed

-------
Bow before the forces of Chaos.
Let the Galaxy burn and the heavens bleed!

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POST TEH MORE JOEKS OKAY LAWL!

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