Got about 2-3 hours of sleep again and I was feeling like shit. I always tell myself I'm gonna go to sleep earlier and I realized that I can when I need to do something else. I get scared because I know that when I go to sleep, the next thing I have to do is wake up and go to school, so I stay up all night to delay it. I already messed up and failed 4 classes at the last school I was at. Now its junior year and I transferred and I was doing fine starting out until I started cutting classes and skipping school again. Haven't gotten my report card back but I'm pretty sure I failed everything second marking period.
The reason I'm typing this all up is because there is nobody for me to talk to straight up. I'm supposed to be the guy other people look to when they need help. I tell them God will work wonders for them and I have no doubt in my mind that he will if they trust Him, and that the ones who do will make it it to better times. I just feel like he won't do the same for me, that I've gotta do it myself if I'm gonna make it in this world. God says "Prove me" so I have to be one of the people who do it as an example for others. I miss everyone from my old school a lot more than they miss me, but the people from church and fellow dancers are always there for me.
I can't give a reasonable explanation as to why I keep cutting school. Whenever I'm there I feel opressed and I feel depressed, like the only thing I have to work for now is not to become a failure in life and I can't even do that. I don't believe that doing poorly will make me a failure, but I hate letting down my parents because they still care. All of the people who do drugs and party who I used to look down upon are doing better than me now.
I can live without college. I'm not planning on having a family but I will always find joy in dancing, volunteering and helping and inspiring others. My parents will make me go to college though, so I want to become a teacher or a physical trainer. Its amazing how much my expectations changed in 3 years, where now I'll consider myself lucky if I do get a job like becoming a teacher, as opposed to before where I felt I couldn't settle for anything less than being rich and going to a great college. I don't care for having material objects and such anymore, but its disappointing to know that all those doors have closed.
Post edited at 8:23 am on Dec. 1, 2008 by Style Out
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None of those doors have closed.
