Perhaps, just maybe, you need to ask for help and realize that although you are strong for trying to do it all on your own, even the strongest person needs to take a step back, hit the flour a couple of times and become even stronger by asking for help and not letting himself/herself hit the flour again.
It seems like you had it rough, but who hasn't? I'm pretty sure most people, lives with a sad story or an eternal struggle.
Xmas is hard for some people, but it doesn't need to be. Right now, you seem to be altered and my advice would be to avoid making big decisions or changes, until you can get yourself toguether.
I know life at the moment, seems unbearable, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to keep walking, even when you don't have the strength to do it.
You said nothing works, but perhaps you are not looking at the big picture and are trying to make changes too drastically? Sometimes, change and improvement are matter of little steps, which ultimately lead to a bigger thing.
Life is certainly not a laugh and happiness, but it's not either a hell hold. You just need to find the little things that give meaning to the eternal struggle and strength to keep going.
You should talk with someone about this, a friend? counselor, etc. There IS always a way, you just need to keep looking and find it.
Good Luck, pm if you need to talk. Don't give up!
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