getting bad grades isnt the end of the world, ive taken drugs for a long time, dropped out / got kicked out of school when i was 14 / 15 after being an A student, now i run my own recording label

ive found over many years that, for me, marijuana is ok it helps me sleep and has little or no side effects other than the risk of getting arrested, which is relatively low.

get off the DXM, i live in new zealand where BZP was legal until about 6 months ago, and took bzp for 3 weeks straight after being on it every now and then.

the buzz is good but the side effects arent worth it, stick to pot.

And PewPew, I do need God. Without Him, there is no reason for me to do good for myself. Yes I know I'm slowly killing myself, but what's it matter to me? If God isn't real, why shouldn't I just indulge in destructive behavior now if it feels good? Sure school is important but when it comes down to it, nothing so far has meant enough to me to stop. Even being told to stop by the man I love didn't mean anything to me. Even being told by my mother, weeping and begging me to quit doing this, meant nothing to me. It meant enough to inspire me to tears but not enough for me to continue not using.

And now that my faith in God is renewed, how could I deny Him and all the good He wants for me?

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Some people go, "booo," they go, "quack quack," they go, "kee"
Some people have nothing and want nothing and are free

I did DXM a couple times back in high school to try it. I never tripped that hard (two second plateaus and a third), so I don't really know the extent of the pleasure you're talking about. But, I do know the feeling of addiction, and the qualms that come with trying to fight it.

The thing is, addictions aren't just based around activities. An addiction becomes what it is once it begins taking hold of your lifestyle. Your priorities, activities, social networks and aspirations become focused around the thing you can't get enough of. If it were a matter of just cutting out the drug use, it would be easy. But we've conditioned ourselves to keep an eye out in all aspects of life for the thing we want.

I am intrigued by this fiancee... are you two going to get back together once he gets out? Perhaps his attempt at sobriety can help you in your resistance to the drug also. Quit together!!

Remember, there was life before DXM. Billions of people function in their daily lives without the need of the chemical. You might have to lose a few friends along the way... but in the process imagine all the sober friends you'll eventually meet!

While I think it's a good idea introducing a change in your lifestyle (going to church and whatnot), I feel you might be going about it the wrong way... I don't want to demean what you're trying to do, but I personally feel that you're going about it the wrong way. Signing on to Jesus in attempts to get off of a drug may work, in some respects but unless you ACTUALLY want to quit the DRUG, you may be disappointed. Have you considered group therapy sessions, like AA or NA?

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There's another important thing... it's good that you're realizing there is a problem. In asking "am I an addict?" you're already a step farther than someone even farther off the wagon. A true addict may not even realize, or refuse to aknowledge there is a problem. As you can see some of the consequences of your habit, you are one step closer to recovery.

You can PM me if you want, I may not be much help... good luck with everything, and happy holidays.

(speaking of holidays, there's nothing like a good old new years resolution to kick a habit! )

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Educators destroy your brain,
but you don't know, so why care?
Fagotto

So I can kind of in a way relate to you with the use of dex, but it never got that intense for me. My use only lasted for a few months. Forgetting the use of it even then was difficult. Gosh, that shit in high doses is very addictive! I can only imagine what you feel like now after abusing this drug in such high doses for such a long period of time. That is so awful.

I'm glad you were able to find a reason to stop using DXM. It doesn't matter what that reason is as long as you have one, and believing in God is not stupid or pathetic at all. Having faith gives many people hope for many things. I hope that by having faith in God, you will get through this.

I think it is a good idea to go to rehab. I mean, you could take the grants and scholarships, and go to college, but what if you relapsed? You would fail your classes again, and probably lose your financial aid. In your case, if I were you, I would do anything and everything possible to help stop the use. Go to rehab, seek support from family and friends. In order to quit using drugs, the biggest thing you will have to do is change your life. Change your friends. If you want to stop taking drugs, you won't be able to do so if you keep your same old friends who do those drugs. You will need to find a new group of friends who will be supportive and will not have a negative influence on you.

You've already come a long way by admitting there is a problem. I know you said that sometimes you just don't believe it, and think it's just all in your head that you have a problem, but you DO have a problem with abusing drugs. No matter what that drug is and no matter what the dose you take is. You need to stop. You need to continue on with your life, the life everybody else has--the sober one. You can go far in life, and if you can conquer this, you can conquer anything else you set out to do.

Just remember that you had a life before dex, before any kind of drug. Sure, you were an isolated person as you said, but things have changed. You have changed. And by qutting drugs, you will not return to this person you don't like so much. You will be different; you will be better. But there was a life before DXM. And you can find that life again.

I wish you the best of luck.

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♥ ♥

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They say that calling yourself "addicted" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. At the same time, what good is lying to yourself and feeding into your own delusions?

This is going to be long so just start reading at the bold part if you don't want to read it all.

I started using dxm about a year and a half ago. mostly because I had heard you could trip off of it and lsd and shrooms were not readily available in my hometown. I was bored of weed and alcohol and didn't really enjoy pills much. What I found was a drug that:
1) eliminated my social anxiety (more than benzos even)
2) eliminated hunger (allowing me to lose weight very easily)
3) made me feel happy (like I had the potential to do anything and was a very unique and intelligent individual)
4) gave me confidence
5) allowed me to bring my ideas to life (I was able to actually see whatever I thought up - it's like being a god)

and various other things I could go on and on about. Even when I did get my hands on lsd, shrooms, ecstasy, etc, I found that these substances alone were nothing next to dxm. Instead I began to use them in combination with it, not really giving a crap about the consequences.

At first I only used dxm at low doses and only about once a month. Eight months ago I dosed 600mg for the first time. I was amazed, I started using every day. I binged and binged and my behavior became extremely bizarre. Seriously, an example:

I started talking to this guy I met on a dxm forum. We talked for like 2 weeks and then he hopped on a bus and came down to live with me in my car. I got kicked out of the house, had my car taken away, and he and I lived out in the woods in a tent for a few days until he asked me to marry him and we moved in with his dad back in Michigan. Yep, that's right. I knew this guy for about 4 weeks and I moved to a different state with him. We did dxm almost daily. the only breaks were when we'd sleep for 15+ hours then get up and do it again.

I don't regret doing it because we're still engaged, he is my soulmate, but he is also in a christian rehab center in a program for 13 months (he has been abusing dxm for 4 years now).

When he first left for the program, I pretty much told him to go fuck himself. I was upset because I'm not allowed contact with him until it's been six months. It's been almost four months.

I was able to keep from doing dxm for about 3 weeks because I lost my ID and was too depressed (from being away from him) to walk the 45 minutes to steal some cough syrup from Wal-mart. I failed half of my classes (prior to this year I had been an all A student in AP classes), lost many of my friends who were freaked out by my behavior. I have problems urinating, I'm even more anxious now than I was before I started abusing dxm, my word recall is awful, my short term memory is shot.

I was put on SSRIs a few weeks ago because I thought the idea of serotonin syndrome (which I have experienced mildly before) would deter me from using anymore. A week ago I took 600mg and had an awesome trip. A few days ago I took 900mg and nearly died. I could barely see, I couldn't remember anything (even my long term memory was nonexistent), I just kept crying because I realized I was afraid of dying and I was so sad because of all the pain I've put my family through.

I'm not going to use any substances anymore, I decided. because even by using weed (which I have smoked on a daily basis for about 3 years), all it reminds me of is "Wow this would be great with some dxm." And I also realized I haven't been happy since I stopped believing in God 7 years or so ago. I'm going to start attending church.

I know a lot of you will say I'm weak because I need God to stop especially since dxm's physical addictiveness has yet to be determined. The thing is, without Him, I have no reason to stop. Yes I hate hurting my family but I justify it to myself - that they just don't understand, that moderate use is OK. It's obvious though that I cannot just use dxm, I have shown myself this time and time again. I just don't care about myself at all. All I care about is doing more.

It's been like four days and I feel HORRIBLE. The thought of never doing dxm again makes me want to die, makes me feel like I will never again know any joy the world has to offer. And on top of this, all my friends use drugs and are atheists and I'm terrified of how they're going to take this.

I need some encouraging words... or someone's experiences to relate to... or something.

Also I am embarrassed to post this but I think by putting it on here it might encourage me to stick with this...

---

One thing I find very hard, I repeat VERY hard to believe about your story is that you actually prefer DXM over LSD or mushrooms. That's like saying Id rather have the 5 dollar bill instead of the 100 dollar bill. Having been very experienced with all three, (900 mg dxm high dose, strip of LSD (10 hits), quarter of psilocybin)I've got to say DXM is kiddie stuff compared to LSD or psilocybin (mushrooms). I am having a hard time believing you actually did legit LSD or shrooms, because you would have moved on from DXM a long time ago. DXM is the kiddie stuff you do, and it really is bad for you in the long term. LSD and shrooms are FAR safer if you can take them resonsibly.

You are one the coolest kids ever.

I know you can do it. You're one tough little shit. From day one I thought you were hardcore enough to face anything, including this. Facing up to it and really admitting it takes a lot, and you did it. I honestly believe you can get through this. No matter what you're still a cool kid in my book. I know what it's like to try to kick an addiction, I, however, don't have enough courage to actually stop at the moment. I'm in awe that you have that courage. Find whatever it takes for you to have an amazing life, kid. You deserve it.

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Grok in fullness.

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Quote: from MourningAir at 12:04 am on Dec. 24, 2008

---

They say that calling yourself "addicted" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. At the same time, what good is lying to yourself and feeding into your own delusions?  

 This is going to be long so just start reading at the bold part if you don't want to read it all.  

 I started using dxm about a year and a half ago. mostly because I had heard you could trip off of it and lsd and shrooms were not readily available in my hometown. I was bored of weed and alcohol and didn't really enjoy pills much. What I found was a drug that:  
 1) eliminated my social anxiety (more than benzos even)  
 2) eliminated hunger (allowing me to lose weight very easily)  
 3) made me feel happy (like I had the potential to do anything and was a very unique and intelligent individual)  
 4) gave me confidence  
 5) allowed me to bring my ideas to life (I was able to actually see whatever I thought up - it's like being a god)  

 and various other things I could go on and on about. Even when I did get my hands on lsd, shrooms, ecstasy, etc, I found that these substances alone were nothing next to dxm. Instead I began to use them in combination with it, not really giving a crap about the consequences.  

 At first I only used dxm at low doses and only about once a month. Eight months ago I dosed 600mg for the first time. I was amazed, I started using every day. I binged and binged and my behavior became extremely bizarre. Seriously, an example:  

 I started talking to this guy I met on a dxm forum. We talked for like 2 weeks and then he hopped on a bus and came down to live with me in my car. I got kicked out of the house, had my car taken away, and he and I lived out in the woods in a tent for a few days until he asked me to marry him and we moved in with his dad back in Michigan. Yep, that's right. I knew this guy for about 4 weeks and I moved to a different state with him. We did dxm almost daily. the only breaks were when we'd sleep for 15+ hours then get up and do it again.  

 I don't regret doing it because we're still engaged, he is my soulmate, but he is also in a christian rehab center in a program for 13 months (he has been abusing dxm for 4 years now).  

 When he first left for the program, I pretty much told him to go fuck himself. I was upset because I'm not allowed contact with him until it's been six months. It's been almost four months.  

 I was able to keep from doing dxm for about 3 weeks because I lost my ID and was too depressed (from being away from him) to walk the 45 minutes to steal some cough syrup from Wal-mart. I failed half of my classes (prior to this year I had been an all A student in AP classes), lost many of my friends who were freaked out by my behavior. I have problems urinating, I'm even more anxious now than I was before I started abusing dxm, my word recall is awful, my short term memory is shot.  

 I was put on SSRIs a few weeks ago because I thought the idea of serotonin syndrome (which I have experienced mildly before) would deter me from using anymore. A week ago I took 600mg and had an awesome trip. A few days ago I took 900mg and nearly died. I could barely see, I couldn't remember anything (even my long term memory was nonexistent), I just kept crying because I realized I was afraid of dying and I was so sad because of all the pain I've put my family through.  

 I'm not going to use any substances anymore, I decided. because even by using weed (which I have smoked on a daily basis for about 3 years), all it reminds me of is "Wow this would be great with some dxm." And I also realized I haven't been happy since I stopped believing in God 7 years or so ago. I'm going to start attending church.  

 I know a lot of you will say I'm weak because I need God to stop especially since dxm's physical addictiveness has yet to be determined. The thing is, without Him, I have no reason to stop. Yes I hate hurting my family but I justify it to myself - that they just don't understand, that moderate use is OK. It's obvious though that I cannot just use dxm, I have shown myself this time and time again. I just don't care about myself at all. All I care about is doing more.  

 It's been like four days and I feel HORRIBLE. The thought of never doing dxm again makes me want to die, makes me feel like I will never again know any joy the world has to offer. And on top of this, all my friends use drugs and are atheists and I'm terrified of how they're going to take this.  

 I need some encouraging words... or someone's experiences to relate to... or something.  

 Also I am embarrassed to post this but I think by putting it on here it might encourage me to stick with this...

---

One thing I find very hard, I repeat VERY hard to believe about your story is that you actually prefer DXM over LSD or mushrooms. That's like saying Id rather have the 5 dollar bill instead of the 100 dollar bill. Having been very experienced with all three, (900 mg dxm high dose, strip of LSD (10 hits), quarter of psilocybin)I've got to say DXM is kiddie stuff compared to LSD or psilocybin (mushrooms). I am having a hard time believing you actually did legit LSD or shrooms, because you would have moved on from DXM a long time ago. DXM is the kiddie stuff you do, and it really is bad for you in the long term. LSD and shrooms are FAR safer if you can take them resonsibly.

---

You know, being an elitist in this subject is just...total and utter fail. A "kiddie" drug? You're such a tool, I'm sorry, but it's not at all about classifying drugs into "big grown up" drugs and into "kiddie" drug categories. You don't need to justify a preference for something by it being a "big hardcore drug". It's about personal tastes and what matches them. Different drugs offer different things, some people are addicted to nicotine and caffeine but they are obviously not as powerful as your "holy grail" drugs LSD and Mushrooms. Some people are just "different" my friend, you don't need to attempt to discredit them or their experiences to reinforce your narrow-minded mainstream tastes. I have used LSD/Mescaline/2C-I/Mushrooms/Ecstasy/Coke/Morphine/Meth and many many others extensively from different sources all across the country, quite a few of them being classified as traditionally hardcore addictive drugs, and haven't found a single instance of one of those 'hardcore' drugs holding a match against DXM in regards to my personal tastes, and that is me being %100 serious. Yes, LSD, and Mushrooms are mighty powerful....but I found them to be...not at all what I was looking for, they offer one thing, DXM offers another, and I prefered the latter by the nth degree, And seriously....DXM is VERY powerful, calling it a kiddie drug is just silly, a 4th plateau experience will knock you on your ass, and that's coming from somebody that's used salvia. I think a heavy 2nd plateau dose was my favorite place, that's where I was most capable of enjoying it while interacting with the outer world in a somewhat normal fashion.

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Quote: from LostinTranslation00 at 12:07 pm on Dec. 25, 2008 One thing I find very hard, I repeat VERY hard to believe about your story is that you actually prefer DXM over LSD or mushrooms. That's like saying Id rather have the 5 dollar bill instead of the 100 dollar bill. Having been very experienced with all three, (900 mg dxm high dose, strip of LSD (10 hits), quarter of psilocybin)I've got to say DXM is kiddie stuff compared to LSD or psilocybin (mushrooms). I am having a hard time believing you actually did legit LSD or shrooms, because you would have moved on from DXM a long time ago. DXM is the kiddie stuff you do, and it really is bad for you in the long term. LSD and shrooms are FAR safer if you can take them resonsibly.
Yea, they are far safer drugs, but with DXM everyone reacts differently, I mean everyone. Brain chemistry is really a factor in it. Some people get full blown, awe-inspiring experiences, while others just don't really break through. Its not just a "kiddie" drug for everyone

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One thing I find very hard, I repeat VERY hard to believe about your story is that you actually prefer DXM over LSD or mushrooms. That's like saying Id rather have the 5 dollar bill instead of the 100 dollar bill. Having been very experienced with all three, (900 mg dxm high dose, strip of LSD (10 hits), quarter of psilocybin)I've got to say DXM is kiddie stuff compared to LSD or psilocybin (mushrooms). I am having a hard time believing you actually did legit LSD or shrooms, because you would have moved on from DXM a long time ago. DXM is the kiddie stuff you do, and it really is bad for you in the long term. LSD and shrooms are FAR safer if you can take them resonsibly.

---

Yep you're right dude. i spent an hour typing up this long ass post as a complete and total joke. UMMM how does that make any sense? Not to mention how in-depth I go about it all. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my LSD trips, just that they did not give me what dxm did. Imo dxm is a drug for the morbid. Everything about it was morbid. tripping balls completely dissociated from myself seeing demons flying about me and not feeling any fear from it. When you're on acid, the slightest change in your emotion can cripple you. When I'm hallucinating on dxm, I acknowledge that something is scary but I ultimately do not feel any fear because it all remains apart from myself.

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Some people go, "booo," they go, "quack quack," they go, "kee"
Some people have nothing and want nothing and are free

I seriously appreciate everything you guys have said though. I know I can handle a lot of things but I also can't help but feel that i am weak to have let it all come to this. it's funny because i don't ever think that of others who have addictions - i never consider them weak, just unfortunate. looking back on it I'm a textbook example of someone who falls prey to this kind of stuff. came from a "broken" home, poor, relatively intelligent and the latter is perhaps why I thought i could abuse so many drugs and get away with it. I thought i was invincible.

The thing with dxm, as is apparent in lostintranslation's post is how it's not taken seriously at all. You know, there was a time when cocaine and some opiates could be found in OTC medications... Just because dxm is found in cough medicine does not mean it's a "kiddie" drug. it's the single most powerful drug I've ever used (and I've used lsd [multiple times of doing two hits at once], shrooms, coke, x, etc etc). Not taking it very seriously IMO is a huge problem in our society. I didn't ever think I could have a problem with dxm... because FFS it's found in cough syrup (although there is dxm powder). With other drugs, I was aware that you could abuse them to the point of screwing up your life and so i exercised at least some degree of caution.

but anyway

to Micus: I am definitely waiting for my fiancee. i personally feel that God made us for one another. no one in my life is religious or even close to it, if it weren't for he and I being together, i could possibly never have been exposed to God's word. because not in years have i even associated with religious people or anyone with the smallest bit of faith. All I know though is that i have to wait for him to finish his program, I've got to wait the 13 months no matter how hard it is. because if he were to just to sign himself out at this time and come back to me, I know we'd start using together again. I think we both need to get better without each other and only then can we live good lives.

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Some people go, "booo," they go, "quack quack," they go, "kee"
Some people have nothing and want nothing and are free

Well I don't think you're weak at all. I think you're pretty strong. I know a lot of ppl on drugs and other stuff. Its really really tough to admit the problem and get out of it. Its even harder to stay out of it.

I was on booze myself for a while. I say you keep it up and if you need somebody to listen Im sure you got a lot of LW to help. But if you feel down and want to talk you can PM me if you want.

Anyway you're on the right track and I think its awesome and whatever you do to stay cool and stay out of the addiction is cool by me.

Im catholic myself anway so its cool by me that you seek the help of God. He's the best help you can get really.

One thing I know: the hardest thing is admitting you need help. The thing that stops most ppl is we feel ashamed of it and we feel like shit about needing help.

But the fact is WE ALL NEED HELP! All of us even the guys who neve been addicted to anything (im not sure they even exist really). But we all need ppl to help through the tough shit in life.

So thats why its important to feel that God can help because He's the only one who can be your friend even when you feel nooby is even yourself.

Anyway keep up the good stuff and Im behind you all the way.  

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"Everyone helpin' each other whenever they can we makin' it happen, from nothin' to somethin'
That's how we be survivin'" - BEP

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But yeah I do think rehab is a good idea however I would be very ashamed to give up my college education for it.

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But really its no shame. If other ppl want to make you fel ashame they idiots and forget them/ But anyone who knows the real deal knows its no shame. Its a great thing.

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"Everyone helpin' each other whenever they can we makin' it happen, from nothin' to somethin'
That's how we be survivin'" - BEP