There is no way for me to be strong as you were and are
I cannot live like you have and do
With no regrets and no pain from a far

I cannot stand
I bend
A reed scared at the slightest wind

Scared at the needles kiss
At rocky hands and IVs
Timid at the thought of someone else's blood in my veins

I don't know what to say
When the knives in my belly come back
When I cannot eat
Or sleep
Or think

What do I tell them
When I hurt and I cry and I scream
When there is no answer
No physical thing

Friends who don't know
I don't want their pity
Or their tears

Will it make it real telling them
Or prove that nothing is wrong
That somehow I caused this pain

Scared of pain of the truth
Of a CT scan
An MRI
And two ultrasounds
7 blood tests
30 medications
Naturopaths
And energy treatments

What do I tell them when I have seven doctors appointments
Every month
But I am not sick
I just have pain
And a foggy brain
And these things that seize my brain and make my muscle tense up

Would it scare them
Knowing
Would it scare them
More than it scares me
Or would they even care
Or would they think I am faking
As I sometimes think I am

Think that I caused this pain
That it is my fault
That because the tumor is not there
Because my hands work well
Because I can walk
That I must be fine

But am I damaged
Damaged goods
That no one can be near

Would this seal the deal
Would this show them that
This is my defining feature

That my sickness is my grounding point
My illusive pain
That I have come to bear
Live with this forced maturity
Because I cannot cry
Cannot be free

I cannot live with pain
I have let it go
I am happy
But still hurt

Should I keep searching or just live like this
With "nothing" wrong
With this mystery
Do I even deserve an answer
Do I deserve treatment
Am I worth it
Or is this pain some sick reminder of my wrongs
I can't know

Because I am not strong like them
I do not know what to say
When a friend dies
When I live a nightmare
I am not strong