I have a dad who lives in London, and we don't have the best of relationships. I cut him off for about 2 years in 2006, and only recently (June 2008) got back in touch with him.

I've got some time off work at the moment from my work being closed over Christmas and new years, and I go back on Tuesday so I thought why not go and see him. What a mistake.

I question why I got back in touch with him.. his whole life is fucking pathetic, and so is he. He is 46. He lives in a room, no bigger than my bathroom, in a house which someone else owns, and 3 other people live in. When I go there, I don't sleep on the couch, or in a spare bed, no I sleep on the floor in his room with a blanket to cover me and a few shitty cushions. I'm 18 in 2 months, I don't want to be sharing a room with him, plus neither do I want to be sleeping on the floor when its minus 3C outside and he refuses to have the heating on.

So, what did we do.. lots of fun interesting things, (seeing as I don't see him very often)? No, on Saturday he dragged me to see one of his relatives who I haven't seen since I was 9 years old. I don't know her well at all. Shes Greek, just like my dads side of the family is and for 5 fucking hours I sat there bored shitless while they talked away - in GREEK! I don't fucking know Greek, I was born in ENGLAND. I tried to join in the conversation but oh no, she didn't understand a word I said.

So, at about 5pm we left, only to go to YET ANOTHER relatives house. Luckily, its my untie, who is amazing, nothing like my dad, even though they are brother and sister. We got there, and the first thing my dad said was "oh can we watch the Sweeney on ITV4 please?" Just encase you don't know, its a black and white police drama. My cousins were there, they are 10 and 15 years old. They didn't want to watch it, nor did me, my untie, or uncle. So I suggested we watch Shaun of the dead. My dad got in a complete strop, he was fucking acting like he was 5 years old. He refused to eat any of the 5 pizzas we ordered, drink any of the beer my uncle brought, or even WATCH the film. For 2 fucking hours he turned away from the screen and sulked like a 5 year old.

I went in the kitchen with my untie and uncle and I was talking to them about what I should do/say seeing as me and my dad had to get the tube home later on, and she just told me to ignore him, maybe put my headphones in and listen to music. Then she asked what I had been up to, and I told her fuck all, hes dragged me round relatives all day. She went SKITZ. She got him in the kitchen and asked why he was taking his 17 year old son to see relatives when I only see him once every 2 months, maybe 3? He said he had no money which then erupted into an argument.

Basically, the reason he has no money, is because he used to spend £140 an hour on prostitutes. He wasted away his share of the money he got from when my parents divorced and sold our house in London. The only reason he stopped was because he got a girlfriend in Hong Kong. Now, let me tell you about her. She doesn't talk much English, she lives in hong kong, and shes only the 2nd relationship my dad has ever had in his life, my mum being the first. Hes seen her twice, and they've been "dating" nearly 2 years. Nothing of him, no pictures, wall messages, even relationship status is set to single on her facebook. Am I the only one who thinks hes desperate?

Anyway, my dad shouted at my uncle, asking him what he would do with my cousin if he was 17 as well, and my uncle said probably off the top of his head 20 things? They all sounded really cool, and I won't lie, I sat there fucking sad and jealous because my dad would NEVER do those things with me (things like paintballing, going out to clubs, or the pub for a drink.. or to the arcades in the west end of London..) he even replied to my uncle "well I don't wanna do any of those".

I went home.. and sat on the train, with my headphones in, really upset. To make matters worse, he swore, out loud, in the middle of the tube; "FUCKING HURRY THE FUCK UP" simply because the tube driver stopped at a station, opened the doors and let passengers get on. He refuses to have any form of anger management, and tells me to shut the fuck up if I say anything close to getting help.

I got back to his, at about 1am. and it was freezing cold.. "can you put the heating on dad?" no, waste of money. So, I laid on the floor, in his room, freezing cold in my jeans and t-shirt, wrapped in a blanket and tried to sleep. I couldn't.

ALL I wanted to do, was to talk to someone.. text someone.. but my phonebook has 4 telephone numbers in it, because yes, I have no fucking friends. My one and only friend became an addicted to cocaine, and ran away to avoid rehab even though I offered him plenty of help and support.

I felt so shitty last night.. So so shitty. I've got nothing. No relationship with my dad, no friends, no life, no nothing. Sorry for the message I sent you yesterday roflfuckyou.. but I did feel that way.

Now I'm home. Alone in my room, bored, with nothing to do.

What a shit, shit day.

I think the first step for you, is to go out and try your best to make a friend or a few friends that you feel comfortable around, maybe not push into a friendship too fast with them and scare them off but take time to get comfortable being around them or what ever you like to do. Having friends around will make a big difference to your emotions, it might even ease off some of the pressure you're dealing with right now. A good way of making friends could be taking up a sport, getting to know people at sports, or you could find a new hobby and you might meet people in the same place as you.

Secondly, your Father, With him being who he is to you, this is going to make everything a lot harder to deal with, so start by thinking back on what happened, the little things that annoyed you or the big things that annoyed you. Decide, is trying to put all this effort in worth it when you're getting nothing back from him, or is this effort going to be enough to make him realize that he is wrong and he's not treating you fairly. Whichever you choose you will have full support of your family I'm sure.

If you decide on giving up, make sure you're ready to face the decision, however, I'm sure if you went down this path, you could always have a chance to get back into his life if you felt you made a wrong choice somewhere along the line. However, have you decide to choose to stay in his life and try to work at this through, you're going to need full support off the rest of your family, you aren't going to be able to do this alone, It would be too much strain on your life.

It seems your Dad has some problems he needs to sort out and I don't think he's going to get anywhere emotionally (or physically) until he finally realizes this and knows he needs help, for him the first step would just be admitting he needs help, and if you want to help him then you can either force help on him or try to persuade him to change his mind about going to get help because he sounds in a really bad place right now. If he refuses help and all costs there isn't much more you can do, I know it hurts you inside but you can't spend your life fighting a brick wall. The rest of your family sound as though they care about you a lot and you only need the good in your life right now.

As for friends, I know how hard it is for a friend to just disappear on us at the worst time, nobody is going to expect you to just get back to feeling happy when you keep getting knocked down, just try to think positive, you don't need this person in your life, there are so many people out there that will want to be your friend and support you, I've heard from Richie that you're a really nice person, so I don't see why anyone would not want to be a part of your life. There will be plenty more shitty days in your life, just try to keep your head up and think positive.

I'm sorry I can't do more to help, Message me if you would like to talk. I wish you the best.
-Ally.

Post edited at 9:54 am on Jan. 5, 2009 by Trashed

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Right, I'm going to start at the beginning, being lonely can make anyone feel depressed and it's something nobody should go through in their lives, but sadly it does and it seems at quite a young age for you which will make the affects a lot harder on you. There is a difference between being lonely and actually feeling lonely, from what you said it sounds like you have your Aunt and Uncle who care about you a lot which is a start, however you said you have no friends which can be a strain on you making you feel lonely and bored.  

I think the first step for you, is to go out and try your best to make a friend or a few friends that you feel comfortable around, maybe not push into a friendship too fast with them and scare them off but take time to get comfortable being around them or what ever you like to do. Having friends around will make a big difference to your emotions, it might even ease off some of the pressure you're dealing with right now. A good way of making friends could be taking up a sport, getting to know people at sports, or you could find a new hobby and you might meet people in the same place as you.

Secondly, your Father, With him being who he is to you, this is going to make everything a lot harder to deal with, so start by thinking back on what happened, the little things that annoyed you or the big things that annoyed you. Decide, is trying to put all this effort in worth it when you're getting nothing back from him, or is this effort going to be enough to make him realize that he is wrong and he's not treating you fairly. Whichever you choose you will have full support of your family I'm sure.  

If you decide on giving up, make sure you're ready to face the decision, however, I'm sure if you went down this path, you could always have a chance to get back into his life if you felt you made a wrong choice somewhere along the line. However, have you decide to choose to stay in his life and try to work at this through, you're going to need full support off the rest of your family, you aren't going to be able to do this alone, It would be too much strain on your life.

It seems your Dad has some problems he needs to sort out and I don't think he's going to get anywhere emotionally (or physically) until he finally realizes this and knows he needs help, for him the first step would just be admitting he needs help, and if you want to help him then you can either force help on him or try to persuade him to change his mind about going to get help because he sounds in a really bad place right now. If he refuses help and all costs there isn't much more you can do, I know it hurts you inside but you can't spend your life fighting a brick wall. The rest of your family sound as though they care about you a lot and you only need the good in your life right now.

As for friends, I know how hard it is for a friend to just disappear on us at the worst time, nobody is going to expect you to just get back to feeling happy when you keep getting knocked down, just try to think positive, you don't need this person in your life, there are so many people out there that will want to be your friend and support you, I've heard from Richie that you're a really nice person, so I don't see why anyone would not want to be a part of your life. There will be plenty more shitty days in your life, just try to keep your head up and think positive.

I'm sorry I can't do more to help, Message me if you would like to talk. I wish you the best.
-Ally.

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Thanks for the reply.

The problem with me is that I've got alot of trust issues. I trust nobody with anything. When I say I trust nobody, I mean it. I don't trust my family, my dad, the people I work with, parents friends. Whenever I trust someone it ALWAYS gets thrown back in my face, and I really mean that.

I lived in London from birth until 11 years old. In that time, I moved house twice, and went to 3 different schools, two primarys, and 1 secondary. I was young, and didn't know about the wonders of the net, and couldn't keep in touch. When I was 11, I moved out of London, and went to another secondary school, had to make new friends. So, I made these 2, my only 2 mates actually. We did everything together even went to Spain ya know, and were friends from year 8 to 11. I was bullied ALOT at school, and hated everyone else because it wasn't exactly a nice school, but hey I had these 2 friends right? Well, one day they changed.. and started treating me differently. Then it got worse and worse, and it got to the point where they would both humiliate me in front of everyone just for saying something, or doing something. I was never the smartest kid in school, and I hated exams, and one day in year 11 I waited for them outside our exam room. I said something to them about hating that exam and they outwardly called me a dumbfuck. I asked them if thats really what they thought of me, and they said yes. Then they told me to fuck off, and without even a SECOND look, they both turned their backs on me, and walked away. :(

All those years of trust, thrown in my face. I couldn't trust them, nor the teachers.. nobody. Then to make matters worse my dad had just gone and blurted out a massive secret I had trusted him with to my mum who was the last person I wanted to find out. It was part of the reason I cut him off, plus other reasons..

I was 16. Alone, with no friends, no job, nothing. I eventually went to college, and moved down to Bournemouth. It was a new start I thought, and made new friends. The 2nd year was optional.. this only happened last year btw. So I chose not to do it and work instead. In June 2008 every body but my best friend stopped talking to me. All my college "mates" just stopped talking to me. They never replied to my texts.. calls, e-mails, msn messages. I trusted them and it was fucked, they cut me off like I was nothing. I am nothing though. Fuck it, I had my best friend. that didn't matter eh? I worked with a guy who sold weed, and got some, and took it to my mates house. We both promised each other it would stay at weed and only weed, never anything harder. He lied. He became addicted to cocaine in September 2008. I offered him so much help, and support but he just told me to fuck off and let him live his life. 1 and a half years trust FUCKED. Last I heard he ran away somewhere to avoid his dad or something. He doesn't call me, I don't call him.

Now, I live in a town, with no friends, and nothing but a job. I trust nobody because the same shit will happen, it will just fucking end up nowhere.

Its easy to say "go out and make new friends" but I can't. I don't know where I'm even gona meet these people. I have NO hobbies or interests, which yeah makes me a boring guy, who cares really.  The only thing I like doing is cooking, which is my job, which is why I'm FUCKING GLAD that I work 90+ hour weeks. On my days off though, I just end up sitting around, realising how empty and lonely I am. I guarantee you I've tried everything you can think of, and nothing interests me. So whatever.

As for my dad, its always worth a shot trying to make the relationship work, but its too hard to keep trying when hes a stubborn fool. He doesn't listen or put into action anything I tell him to do. Hes the adult, and I'm the 17 year old "kid" is the way he puts it. He could easily get anger management, which would solve so much you have no clue, but he just ignores whatever I say. His issues are 100% money in my eyes which is fair enough, I mean I do earn nearly double what he does, and I'm 17 but when I tell him career advice, or money advice he ignores me. Its like the 2 years we didn't talk has changed nothing. I don't have the support of my family. My mum thinks hes a loser, and so does my step dad.

My untie, yeah shes a nice person, but she lives 400 miles away from me, ya know, its not like I can just up and see her. But, when I cut my dad off for the 2 years It meant that I lost touch with them all. It doesn't make it awkward when I see them, but like I said, i can't just up and see them.

Fuck it.

Moving around a lot can affect any child, it affects everyone differently but at a young age the affects are usually developing social issues, we don't hold on to people because we fear we're just going to lose them again if you know what I mean? However, High School is difficult in the fact that we make friends, and we stick with them but a lot of high school is just a popularity contest, it's hard to deal with if you don't have the coolest shoes or the best haircut, as unfair as it is, life can be pretty rubbish sometimes, but high school ended, you don't have to go back there now, and in losing friends it may have made you a bit wary. However, after high school people start to grow up, they mature and grow into young adults, they aren't how they used to be. People do change.

It doesn't matter if you're not the smartest kid in the world, it doesn't change who you are as a person, from what I'm reading you don't sound even the slightest bit stupid, you sound like a clever person with a bright future ahead of them if they work at it, life will always have bumps in the road, it really is how we deal with life issues that determine who we are as a person, if we get through with a positive attitude that is a start, that's where you need to start, if you see everything badly then you will have a struggle trying to cope with issues that arise in your life.

Losing a friend to drugs can hurt, a lot inside because sometimes it can make you feel like you failed as a friend but if he was the only person you had around you then you lost a big part in your life, but it wasn't your fault, you did nothing wrong, you were obviously a good friend if he stuck around while your other 'friends' cut you off, but people cut you off sometimes because when you move, they don't know if you'll change and they become distant so they just don't try for some reason, I've had it happen to me many a time.

Cooking! There is your passion, cooking is an amazing thing and if you find people who share similar ideas and the same taste in food as you, you could hit it off right away, I know two people that we're chefs and they made friends because of that fact, and they are still friends now, They are a bit older but that isn't the point, when you meet someone who has the same passion as you, it's so much easier to get things started on the right foot. When I moved to where I was now, I had a bunch of friends, I lost them all and it was me going out to town and hanging around I finally met someone who I enjoyed spending time with and from there I made quite a few good friends.

As for your Dad, right now, in the position you feel you're in I don't think you should try just yet to make the relationship work, but don't cut him off completely because it will just make things a lot harder. Stubborn people can be pushed enough eventually to them to finally bend backwards and then we have our opportunity to fix the relationship, it just takes a lot of hard work and effort if you're willing to put it in. No matter how many times you tell him one thing, keep on telling him, if you think it's going to be worth it in the end.

Have you ever thought of moving up closer to your Auntie? I mean, it can't hurt to try living in a new place and there are chef jobs everywhere, you just need to know where to look, that way you'll have a chance to be near someone who can support you when you need it, emotionally even.

You seem in a really bad place right now, I'm sorry there isn't much I can do to help you, just, stay strong.