I was cleaning my room the other day, and I found some old notebooks I used to keep. Not like a diary; there's none of this "Today I fucked someone at school" shit, just notebooks and notebooks full of poems, short stories, anything and everything.
And I found this:
Grey. The sky overhead The schoolboys uniform as he cries Business suits thrown to the floor (while the lawyer and) (and the witness) (make love)
Grey Black and white photographs (of loves long past) (of broken hearts)
And grey My mood for today While the sky and the schoolboy cry While the lawyer and the witness fuck While the old flames die I am. Grey.
So that's it ^^ Exactly as it was written on a torn out piece of refill. Comments and criticism appreciated.
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TheAntiBarbie
Omnipotent One
I like it.
1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2007 | Days Active: 419 Join to learn more about TheAntiBarbiePennsylvania, United States | LesbianFemale | Posts: 11,273 | Points: 18,878
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Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009
I like it.
Thanks. Any ideas for editing?
------- Nothing Amazing happens here. Only the ordinary. I'm one of S K A's hoes!
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Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009
I like it.
Thanks. Any ideas for editing?
Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this -
Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor
Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are.
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Jman19
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Nice.
------- Daisy chains, Christmas plays, winter nights and summer days Fireworks and starry skies, sunset and moonrise. So much more to see and do, and hopefully it's all with you. ♥ seemenow1990 is worth her weight in gold.
1:18 am on Jan. 9, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2008 | Days Active: 115 Join to learn more about Jman19Seychelles | Male | Posts: 4,311 | Points: 5,884
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Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:15 am on Jan. 9, 2009
Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009
I like it.
Thanks. Any ideas for editing?
Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this -
Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor
Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are.
I see what you mean. It'd probably make more sense that way xD Thanks for your input =D
------- Nothing Amazing happens here. Only the ordinary. I'm one of S K A's hoes!
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gwen gardner
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Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009
I like it.
------- your about to become a strange smell in the attic.
1:41 am on Jan. 9, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 48 Join to learn more about gwen gardnerMichigan, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 1,107 | Points: 1,647
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