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Patience is a virtue, fyi.

If you're a mod and need background, go to my last topic.  Non anoynyous, though, so i'm not posting that for everyone.

I ended up cutting ties with my family.  Things went badquicker than anyone could imagine.  My addictions started to really take over.  My mother convinced me to drop out of school so I could focus more on my business.  Then she quit working and expected me to do it all.  I did for a bit, but it was just too fucking much.  I told her I was done and wanted to leave, and she flipped out.  She started throwing threats at me, but I didn't listen.  I gave up my business (and the others I'd started), laid off my employees, and took off to a new town.  

As it is now, I'm pretty well completely alone.  That guy I was seeing is my roommate now.  Bless him, he tries to keep me stable.  He tries to control my drinking.  He cares about myself and my daughter more than I ever could have imagined, but when it comes right down to it, I'm gone and I know it.  I think deep down he knows too.

I tried to get things straight in the beginning when I left.  I'd stopped everything (drinking, drugs, everything).  I gave up everything I cared ab out. I started over with freelancing.  Stopped really being able to work, though, after my family found us and started harassing us.  They didn't do too well with losing control over us.  Unsubstantiated police and CPS reports galore, private investigators digging up shit and finding us wherever we go.

So I made up my mind to give up myl ittle girl.  I found a family for her in a different country (I know them, and they're related to my roommate).  I'm giving her up for adoption to save her from what I've become, and from what my family would turn her into.  She's really all I had left, though.  So now I have no reason to try any more.

I'm so fucking lost.  Between being fucked up and nursing hangovers, I really don't have anything in between.  I have my roommate, but he's never dealt with the same shit.  He tries to be there for me, but no one really can be.  I thought I'd fallen before.  Part of me hoped that I could get my life back together and get back on track.  But no.  It's all gone.  My business is gone.  My daughter is gone.  My life is gone.  I have alcohol, coke, sex, and harassment.  That's it.  Nothing else.  Nothing to live for.  I wake up in the morning, and wonder why.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I see no way out of this.

I suppose I could alway s go to rehab and get sober, but why?  I wouldn't have anything after I got out.  Everything in this world I cared for is gone.  I had to change my name and everything so if I even wanted to start a new business, it's not like I could get a loan to do it.  I no longer have a history.  I just have the shit I'm currently in.  Everything is fucking ruined.

I don't know what the hell to do.

I'm not minimizing your problems at all. I know you feel terribly right now. However, you really need to know that you are completely in control right now. This is your life and it's your future. Entirely your life to live at this point. You can choose to fight back and succeed or you can choose to let go and let yourself fall the rest of the way down.

You know that whole is the glass half empty or half full thing? Yeah, let's use that here. This situation is really what you make of it and whatever you let it be. I know you're facing what you see as a mountain here. And of course that seems so vast and overwhelming that you don't know how to stand there, alone and tackle the challenges facing you. But try not to see it that way. Maybe see it as a series of mole hills. Tedious and annoying and difficult, surely. However, definitely manageable.

The whole really is greater than the sum of its parts. You have all of the issues you're facing, plus the stress added by the fact that you're being overwhelmed by their enormity. It makes it worse, you know? Try to take a breather. Then see these with fresh eyes and, most importantly, as various smaller issues rather than one pile which is impossible to conquer. You can do this.

You're not going to do anything until you get help for your addictions. I know it's easier said than done. But you and I both know that you're letting your addictions run your life at this point. You're too tied to them to go anywhere. They're shackling you to a life you don't want to live, but feel you almost have to live. You don't. And you would see things a bit more clearly, I think, if you were off of drugs and alcohol. If you felt in control of your own mind and body.

Right now, you feel as though you've lost control of everything. And the best way to start taking back control is starting rehab. Get back your body and mind so you aren't dependent on anything. And your mind isn't clouded. You'll be able to think clearly and plan to rebuild your life. But you are NOT going to do anything until you quit this lifestyle. Go right now and look at rehab centers in your area. You're already in a depressed state of mind because of your life experiences and drugs are only making that worse for you. Tell your roommate that you want help and let him help you stop this. No waiting. Stop now, today. You aren't dead and you have an entire life to live. It's time to get clean though.

Then you can rebuild your life. God, your family seems insane and terrible. And you should definitely remove them from your life, there's no question about that. Start by going to courts for protection. Get either a restraining or stay away order so they're forced to be away from you or get arrested. Again, it's about taking back the control you lost when they harassed and stalked you. You already gave up your name, don't let them take anything else from you.

I think giving up your daughter is a hasty decision. You may not be able to care or her now. But that does NOT mean that you can never be there for her again. You can get your life in order and take her back. You must love her more than anything so I get that you want to protect her from what you've become. But this isn't who you'll always be or you have to be. Once you clean up, you can be a wonderful parent again. Quit resigning yourself to living this life, that doesn't have to happen.

Instead, ask someone safe and stable to care for her while you work on getting normal again. She's every reason you need to get on your feet again and you're giving that reason away. Fight for her, fight for yourself. You have this one life to live and you're not guaranteed anything more. Don't throw it away like this. And don't make it so your daughter can't know her mother. You're hurting yourself and her by not stopping this downward spiral.

Start by reaching out for help. And that first step is, yes, removing your daughter from the environment. But not forever, just long enough for you to get sober again and back on your feet. You KNOW you can do that. You just have to decide to do it and decide that life is worth fighting for. Remember those happy times. They aren't just a memory, they're what you can have again.

Once you're sober, you just have to work on a job and then getting back in school. Get back into that routine. You said yourself that you were top of your class. You can get to that spot again. Finish the education you didn't want to stop in the first place. And once you know you're in control, take your daughter again. Give her the life you know she deserves. And let her know her mother.

You can still get a loan. Start a life with this name. And beyond that, you could sit down with a loan officer. Show him the proof of your name change and your past credit experience should factor into the decision making process. You're still you and you still have that history. I do not believe it's gone forever, you just had to protect yourself. That doesn't mean you can't have a business again. After you finish school and get your life started again.

Basically, you can rebuild your life without your family. You can get clean. You can raise your daughter and have her know her mother. You can finish school. And you can have whatever business you want. Not doing any of those things is  a CHOICE. You know you can do them or you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't bother asking if you thought there was nothing for you anymore. Part of you knows that you can be happy and healthy again. You're just scared to fight because everything has been torn down for you before.

But this is your life. As out of control as it seems, you really are the one deciding what happens here. You can decide to get clean and rebuild. Or you can choose to follow this path of self destruction. But whatever you do is because you chose to do it. Never doubt that you have the power and ability to improve this.

I'm rambling so I'll stop here. But all you have to do is reach out for help. Reach out and you can stop falling and start climbing out of this hole instead. Don't destroy your future. Fight to get your life back instead. It's within your power to be what you want to be. so fight for that.

I hope this helps you. Please, believe in yourself and don't ever doubt that you are able to change. You're only forced to live this life as long as you let yourself. You're miserable so it's time to change this.

-------
kid, I wrote back,
all lovers betray.