After beating back my depression for good, I became much more philosophical and aware of my surroundings. This turned me cynical and jaded, and aged my mind very quickly. I quickly developed a strong desire to make a meaningful difference in the world (or at least be a part of one), and to live in a society where people lived up to their potentials. Over time, it became clear that none of this was ever going to happen (I looked everywhere for outlets). Because of how entrenched our system is, nothing short of a cataclysm will make things right. You can change all the surface issues you want, but in the long run, it'll do nothing.

So, I clammed up emotionally and sucked it all up. I have however realized that things can't remain like this forever.  

Being completely empty and never having had any emotional connection to anyone in my entire life, childhood with parents aside has really taken a toll on me. And I mean that in every sense of the way.  

I realized a few years ago that I wasn't going to live to old age. At least, most likely not. I mean, I could probably live longer if some of my needs were fulfilled and if things got a bit better, but I wouldn't last as long as I had to live a lackluster existence. And, for the past two years, I've been 90+% gone already. I've been wading through life, going through the motions, all the while little more than a casing. I don't say 100% because I still have some things left, but almost all my emotional response, creativity, abstract thinking.....it's all....gone. As a result of stagnation.

I'm incredibly fragmented as a person. It's as if I'm young and old in the same box. On one hand, a furious, restless, and oh so horny young adult, and on the other hand, a bitter, irritated old man. I'm not drawing comparisons where there are not any, either. It gnaws at me in every way. Aside from the sex thing, which is troubling because I have a strong aversion to mindless sex, yet a strong attraction to it at the same time, I'm pulled every which way in almost anything. Examples would be just getting out and doing things to distract myself even if they are pointless vs. just sitting around and giving up because they're pointless, thinking about my future vs. realizing that I have no future and neither does the bulk of humanity, and recklessly trying to cling to shreds of hope vs. not bothering because I know there is none.

Everything bores me. I literally do not enjoy anything around me nor anything that I could potentially reach out to. The only thing I want in life is to live amongst intellectual, philosophical, wild, extreme, insane people who live their lives to the fullest. I have met one or two who approached that, maybe another one or two online, but the streets are full of imbeciles and morons. I need to get away from modern life. It's choking me to death. But there's no way out.

I've again, never met someone remotely like me. I'm incredibly social and confident but I don't socialize any more because I can't stand the small talk and bullshit. I'm intense but I realize so many things about life that few people even think about as a result of making awareness some kind of a priority way back when. If I had love, maybe I could live longer. Maybe even a lot longer. Someone with the patience to understand all the shit that goes through my head, someone who I can thrive with. Not some fool who will make me seethe with annoyance and boredom, like is too much of the case already.  

Someone creative, intelligent, but not just intelligent, someone aware, which seems to be extremely rare. Of course, I've talked to many people in college, and I used to even sometimes talk about broader perspectives and whatnot, and they'd say "yeah" and pay lip service to what I said, but few people, if anybody, really comprehended the 'essence' or 'meaning' of what I said. That's 80% of understanding these huge perspectives; comprehending the urgency behind change and feeling why the state of the world as it stands today is just plain wrong.

I'm completely running on empty. I've lost everything I used to love; my writing, my music, and a sense of conviction. I'm actually surprised that I've lasted this long, and I'm not desperate to end things, but I'm getting tired. I feel absolutely withered from loneliness, boredom, and hopelessness, and unlike before, there's no real solution to this because I actually have tried pretty much everything to stop it. My level of thought is also so far beyond the grasp of 'help' avenues, from what I've experienced. I'm not interested in living in modern society, but being a hermit would be just as damaging.  

I shudder to think that a lot of people, in the last years of their life, will start to feel what I feel, because reflecting on their lives, they'll start to realize the meaningless of it all. I would rather die than live an ordinary waste of a life, and it doesn't seem I'll be able to live anything similar to what I desire in today's world. I don't want help or anything, I'm just posting this to vent. I've posted things like this before in the past (none this in depth though) and gotten shitty replies which completely failed to grasp what I was getting at, so I'm not hoping for anything. But anyway, I'll keep on truckin'........for now.

Post edited at 11:39 pm on Jan. 6, 2009 by iconoclast1

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im iconoclast it means im a rebel hahahah

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You know, I want to give some advice but for a start, you don't like me and secondly, you will probably just knock me down.

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But I'm not really interested in the typical 'advice' line because I'm so far beyond it and refuse to give it to other people myself.

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im iconoclast it means im a rebel hahahah

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lol pretty much like me. but im not that bad @__@

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Quote: from Trashed at 11:40 pm on Jan. 6, 2009

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You know, I want to give some advice but for a start, you don't like me and secondly, you will probably just knock me down.  
 

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I don't not like you, I was half being sarcastic with that bash topic.

But I'm not really interested in the typical 'advice' line because I'm so far beyond it and refuse to give it to other people myself.

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Advice is just words, it's called advice because you don't have to take it, it's just ways of dealing with your problems easier and it's about learning things inside yourself that you never knew before. I know you're past advice now but having someone there to help guide you, you know, it can't hurt.

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Quote: from Iconoclast at 11:41 pm on Jan. 6, 2009

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Quote: from Trashed at 11:40 pm on Jan. 6, 2009

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You know, I want to give some advice but for a start, you don't like me and secondly, you will probably just knock me down.    

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I don't not like you, I was half being sarcastic with that bash topic.

But I'm not really interested in the typical 'advice' line because I'm so far beyond it and refuse to give it to other people myself.

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Advice is just words, it's called advice because you don't have to take it, it's just ways of dealing with your problems easier and it's about learning things inside yourself that you never knew before. I know you're past advice now but having someone there to help guide you, you know, it can't hurt.

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All these years, I've never really met anyone who truly knew what I was getting at through and through. My rants were just met by blank stares, whether in person, or metaphorically on the internet. I'm beyond guidance, unless it comes from someone who truly comprehends and feels every word of that OP of mine. I'm not depressed, or emotionally suicidal. I'm actually very stable as a person, perhaps frighteningly so given what I've been thinking. I'm philosophically and existentially crushed instead, though.

Post edited at 11:51 pm on Jan. 6, 2009 by iconoclast1

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im iconoclast it means im a rebel hahahah

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Look, we all deal with things differently, and different problems affect different people, you're mature enough to get past suicidal thoughts and depression. However, being philosophically and existentially crushed can be just as bad I guess. How you feel right now, won't last forever, because eventually you will find someone that can relate to you, like properly, not someone who just say OH THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE and thinks that they can tell you what to do, but someone who will hear your words and feel them. I don't take advice from people either, especially if they haven't been through anything close to what's happened to me, I understand how it is, I get it. But sometimes we all need a bit of support. Just because you don't have problems now, it doesn't mean what happened in the past is gone...

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About finding someone to relate to, I have doubts. I mean, I'm sure I could find a bunch of people over years and years and years, but that's really nowhere near enough. I've been looking for a few years already and found next to nothing.

I won't say I'm perfect and don't have my moods, but the "problems" in my life are 97% because of the environment. If I can't get out of this environment and into one that suits my needs, then things don't look too good.

Post edited at 12:08 am on Jan. 7, 2009 by iconoclast1

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im iconoclast it means im a rebel hahahah

and as for not being around intellectuals who live their lives to the fullest? You're not in the right places. Travel. Meet the right people. Visit different countries, experience new things. Perspective is fabulous and distance is a great mean of gaining it.
And if you're still interested in helping the world? there are plenty of things, nothing that'll get you put down in history books, but if that's why you're doing it then you're not really doing it to be helping. Join the peace core, hell join the shitty UN. There are plent of organizations to which you can apply. You don't have to limit yourself to Africa and Asia, some European nations are pretty messed up.
Further your studies, it's like whatever philosopher said," live like you're going to die tomorrow but learn like you'll live forever". I've probably screwed that qoute up a bit but whatever. you get the gist of it and that's the main thing.
And it'd be great if you could step off of your high horse.
"It's everything else that is the problem" shit like that ain't going to solve jack. Nor will it make you feel better. If you don't like your current environment, get out of it. If you don't have th money, work non-stop for half a year or even a year and save every penny and get out of there. and BAM. NEW environment,new people, new experiences. But if you want something to ease your mind, go to your local library. Throughout the ages authors have felt like society was entirely absurd and pointless. But seriously, Camus, Sartre, de sade? ok, to be fair I've only read a little bit of de sade. but that's okay. a 120 days in sodom is a good book about raping people, what more can you ask of a book?

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Like any other clumsy girl I fell into the Grand Canyon

I mean, I'm not saying that there are NO people in the world who think higher than the average douche. There are plenty. But it just seems like overall, though there are a lot of people who are 'intellectuals', there are very few.....what's the term? I don't have a word for it. People who are truly varied, aware, creative, and extreme.....It seems that multi-dimensionality is rare wherever you go. I've scanned all over the internet and all over my life for people like that....no luck.

About helping the world, I meant in a broader sense. None of those things are helping the world because they don't hit the root of the problem. And that's the worst part of this all. So many people think that this 'helping' that goes on is so grand, like it has a purpose, but it's just throwing effort down the drain.

I'm not on a high horse (alright, maybe I am an elitist, but I don't care, because it's true), but I don't think you're getting the point of this. The overreaching 'problems' I talk about are more or less omnipresent everywhere. Granted, on the surface, some places are better, more relaxed, more open than others, but there are the same fucking problems.

Post edited at 9:51 pm on Jan. 7, 2009 by iconoclast1

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im iconoclast it means im a rebel hahahah

I can't disagree either that the world is shit, and those peacecore suggestions don't attack the root cause of the problems. It's just treating the symptoms, but to be honest, I rather be a part of treating the symptoms than giving up on everything entirely. War, poverty, disease, stupidity, ignorance etc will always be around regardless of where you are. You can't make those problems "disappear".

And again, if you can't find the people you're looking for in your current environment, then get out of there. You're generalizing the problems everywhere. I persume that you're searching for people like yourself, well if they truly are like you then they'll be looking for people like themselves which could lead one to believe that they live in clusters. You've got to infiltrate one of those clusters, the main problem is finding one. And I can't tell you where to find one so I guess those post is entirely useless. I still believe that reading a book should offer you some solace, perhaps not continuous solace but something to keep your spirits up. or whatever. otherwise you could kill someone and see if that gives you some sort of thrill? If you become the greatest serial killer of all times and don't get caught you'll have changed the world to a certain extent, you'll teach the police and detectives and whatever new ways to approach the problem of a vicious serial killer.

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Like any other clumsy girl I fell into the Grand Canyon