the birthcontrol helped... it helped me for 3 years. I've even held a relationship for 2 and a half of those years, had friends, got accepted into a college, had a future.

But I had to go off the birthcontrol. It was causing long-term thyroid damage. I'm trying other medications now, but i can already feel the old feelings... i called them the "demons", i had almost forgotten what they were.

My boyfriend is putting up with me for now, but for how much longer? I don't want to leave my house. I don't care about anything anymore, because nothing can make me feel happiness.

I don't know what to do. They say crazy people don't know their crazy, so maybe I'm not completely gone yet...

Like how does it affect you?

You don't need to be like this, you know that. If you need help, get it.

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You'll never get to heaven if you are scared of getting high.

You may also want to look into therapy of some sort.

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all the days were a sun-drenched haze
while the salt spray crusted on the windowpanes...

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What is your schizophrenia?

Like how does it affect you?

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paranoia mostly. always thinking people are looking at me, watching me, judging me, even just walking down a public street or something. it's minor, but definately there.

I don't understand why i can't be happy. a few months ago I was extremely happy, and I have all the same things/people that i have now. I have everything in my life that i need to be happy, but nothing excites me or even makes me smile. It's really hurting my boyfriend and my friends, and I don't even know how to justify it, it's so dumb.

And I'm trying different medications.. i really hope theres one that works. I hate the fact that I need pills to keep me normal though. At least I could say the birth control was for other things.

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Don't give up, there are plenty of hormone based medications that your doctor can perscribe you. Have you tried another pill or the shot or something?

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I've tried EVERYTHING. the shot, the ring that you stick up there, and probably 8 different kinds of pills.
the only thing that helped was Yaz, but it's starting to cause bigger problems.

also, i understand that it feels like something greater than a chemical imbalance, but you can't personify your depression. by labeling it as your "demons", you're, at least in your mind, giving the depression some momentum and life outside of your immediate control.

It can be disheartening, even terrifying, to fall victim to your own body chemistry. But you have to stay optimistic, and not think "how long will my  boyfriend deal with me", rather, "how can we work through this together." I encourage you to take strength in the people closest to you.

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when anything's that anything becomes nothing
that's everything and nothing is the only thing
you ever seem to have