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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Read and rate my poem?
Replies: 12Last Post Jan. 1 9:42pm by nullPointerException
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( Poeticpunker )


Wealthy Hobo
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Following Her

Fingertips brush away stray hairs, arms are secure around her shoulders
He watches her, like her own dearest angel
While he sleeps on the other side of the world, his sleeping seconds belong to her
He wants her to claim him, sending living hints in his waking words
She puts to clues together but doubts their reality
Frustrated sighs in the sun and under the clouds
Their separate reasons are close to the same revelation
They are each other, connected by unseen fibers stretching
Threatening to snap them together
He draws the curve of her smile in his mind, the shine in her eyes
She tries to taste him around her, not quite failing nor quite succeeding
Clueless wandering, orbiting around her
Hysteria rising in his throat, he screams against her skin
Cries into her neck, she only feels the memory of whispers
Locking his eyes on her face, he steps back to reality
Dreaming of when she'll join him there


____________________

Quick FYI...it has NOTHING to do with Twilight.

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Who are you?! How did you get in here?!
Well, I'm a locksmith and...I'm a locksmith.


7:12 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Nov. 2005 | Days Active: 361
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LiveWire Humor
Lihiro


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I actually really quite like it.

My poems are here if you feel like it: http://Lihiro.Deviantart.com

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Don't stop.


7:13 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2008 | Days Active: 216
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LifesGood01


Omnipotent One

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Not bad.

9/10

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First Account


7:13 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Nov. 2008 | Days Active: 149
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bathroomdisaster

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THAT HARDLY RHYMES???????

7:13 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 6
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Jman19


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Pretty good. I liked it.

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Daisy chains, Christmas plays, winter nights and summer days
Fireworks and starry skies, sunset and moonrise.
So much more to see and do, and hopefully it's all with you. ♥
seemenow1990 is worth her weight in gold.

7:14 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2008 | Days Active: 115
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Miss Vanity


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Cute
9/10

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Click here to see 12 year old Brenna.

7:14 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Nov. 2008 | Days Active: 82
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xNebulazx


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pretty damn good if you ask me

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The broad-minded see all the stars while
the narrow-minded see only Earth's star.

7:14 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 66
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Tattered And Torn


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Quote: from bathroomdisaster at 3:13 am on Jan. 2, 2009

THAT HARDLY RHYMES???????

poems dont need to rhyme


7:14 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 308
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( Poeticpunker )


Wealthy Hobo
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Quote: from bathroomdisaster at 10:13 pm on Jan. 1, 2009

THAT HARDLY RHYMES???????
I do free verse.

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Who are you?! How did you get in here?!
Well, I'm a locksmith and...I'm a locksmith.

7:14 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Nov. 2005 | Days Active: 361
Join to learn more about Poeticpunker Pennsylvania, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 1,972 | Points: 5,986
coughcough

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10/10

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I have a disorder get over it

7:15 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Nov. 2008 | Days Active: 40
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J U S T


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5/10

I'm guessing it's about a long-distance relationship.
Some of the lines in this poem seemed unnecessary. I couldn't quite figure out what exactly what they were trying to convey.

Line 6: Frustrated sighs in the sun and under the clouds
Line 11: Clueless wandering, orbiting around her

I'm not sure what these lines are supposed to mean. I think a little too much of the poem was stuck in metaphor, making it kind of hard to get a feeling for what is happening.

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Real is not how you are made--It is a thing that happens to you


7:19 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: Jan. 2005 | Days Active: 147
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babecakes


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very nice.

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So you were born, and that was a good day
Someday you'll die, and that is a shame
But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream
And nothing and no one will ever take that away

7:21 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: July 2008 | Days Active: 320
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nullPointerException


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it's a good poem, I give it a 9/10, but I did not like it much. Just not my cup of tea.

9:42 pm on Jan. 1, 2009 | Joined: May 2008 | Days Active: 152
Join to learn more about nullPointerException New York, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 976 | Points: 2,557
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