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 Christmas Eve
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What do you think of my latest poem? |
| excuse any errors with spelling and mechanics. |
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Replies: 4 — Last Post Nov. 23, 2008 8:04pm by carracer
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( Anonymous )
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If we all just equally shared the burden
Problems and mistakes
Wrongdoings and faults
No one would have to feel so alone
But some like to ignore
Or s away the pain
Just look away and pretend its all okay
Tune out the cries and sorrow without a second glance
Others, missing hearts
Know what they have done but to them its no crime at all
Even as small as cruel remark
For a bruise on my skin will eventually fade
But your words will forever in my mind, replay
And then here and there
The few who care
The few who care a bit too much
Whos think that theyre just such big fuck ups
That every problem leads back to them anyways
And what are they to do? They're stuck feeling sorry for you
When it should be the other way around.
And when you think you've caused so many problems to others
To friends and strangers around the world.
You've caused them pain, or so you think
And the pain of knowing this will stay with you forever
Of course like the others
you have thins thing wrong of your own
But if you just tough it out
And just suck it up, don't say a thing
Take responsibility and never shed a tear
You hope maybe
they wont hate you so much.
For the things you believe
You've fucked up for them
So you'll do your best
To fix what you havnt created
So many of these problems, you've merely fabricated
In reality, They arent yours at all.
dwell on all your problems
dwell on the world's mistake
since in your mind, theyre yours
everything you do is wrong.
Bur you Learn to live with it
You'll be one of the first to go anyways.
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 LiveWire Humor
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Sarge
Enlightened One
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Stanzas are your friend.
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Lost 30 lbs since I started my diet, 100 away from the goal as of Nov 1.
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7:58 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 541
Join to learn more about Sarge North Carolina, United States | GLBT Ally Male | Posts: 8,265 | Points: 15,135
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SpM
Unprincipled
 Patron
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I think you've taken a trite, mediocre idea and expressed it poorly.
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8:00 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 669
Join to learn more about SpM Scotland, United Kingdom | Posts: 27,958 | Points: 39,470
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mycuteFIEND
Soothsayer
Patron
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I think you should break it up more, make the syntax more apparent. Maybe use more abstract or creative metaphors and a better vocabulary. Sometimes it's hard to express what you're feeling through poetry. What I do is write short stories then take those ideas and make them into poems. With some editing, this could be a great poem! 
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I think you've taken a trite, mediocre idea and expressed it poorly.
