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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

second draft better? =)
Replies: 9Last Post July 5 6:49pm by virginia287
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( well well well )


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He looks so silly. I always see him
holding an umbrella, even though there isn't rain.

I choke a laugh, and catch him smile,
still holding his umbrella, still on a sunny day.

Thunder claps, and sky splits open,
making the sunny day give way to heavy rain.

I see myself. I look so silly,
without an umbrella, standing in the rain.

I chance a glance, at he who's happy,
holding his umbrella, sheltered from the rain.

He blinks, and holds his out to me,
He gives me his umbrella. I am sheltered from the rain.

Then I laugh.  He looks so silly,
without an umbrella, standing in the rain.


6:33 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 137
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jack8714


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needs a better ending

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กกกǝɯɐƃ ǝɥʇ ʇsoן noʎ

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 240
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eklipse


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Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (:

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Maybe I'm your Mr. Right,
Baby, maybe I'm the one you like,
Maybe I'm a shot in the dark,
And you're the morning light.

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 438
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Leannbby


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yes, it is betterr

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What happens when the only person that can make you stop crying
Is the one who made you cry.

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 68
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Quote: from The Academy at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009

Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (:

bleh thanks =)
i'm just bored as hell and in a perfectionist mood


6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 137
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ehmusic


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It seems like what it is: rushed.  Give yourself time on an edit/revision.  Pretty much all you did was delete a line/white space.
This is more like a revised first draft, than an actual second draft.

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lol Что?

6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 370
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blackbandaid


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The end is a bit disappointing, but not bad.

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We've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey
We thought our very hearts would up and melt away
vivere senza rimpianti

6:37 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Jan. 2006 | Days Active: 246
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virginia287


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A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for

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They say nothing in life can be completed without passion -
so then show me something or (someone) to be passionate for...

6:40 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 425
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Quote: from virginia287 at 6:40 pm on July 5, 2009

A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for

bleh i appreciate the honesty =)
i thought maybe using the same few words seemed simplistic and ideal but.

any suggestions?


6:41 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 137
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virginia287


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try using different words than repeatedly saying "silly", "sunny", and "sheltered".

Yeah I sense the simplicity of the poem and I really like that, it almost adds instead of making the quality of your writing any less. But try replacing the words you use more than once (other than "rain" and "umbrella" obviously) and I think you will have a nice piece :)

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They say nothing in life can be completed without passion -
so then show me something or (someone) to be passionate for...


6:49 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 425
Join to learn more about virginia287 Pennsylvania, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 2,041 | Points: 7,793
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