LiveWire Network Peer Answers Peer Support Teen Forums Tech Forums College Forums 696 users online 221532 members 1531 active today Advertise Here Sign In
TeenCollegeTechPhotos | Quizzes | LiveSecret | Memberlist | Dictionary | News | FAQ
Member Spotlight
ello paulie xx
Cool Things: YOU !
Mood: Disappointed
You have 1 new message.
Emergency Help
Until you sign up you can't do much. Yes, it's free.

Sign Up Now
Membername:
Password:
Already have an account?
Invite Friends
Active Members
Groups
Contests
Moderators
5 online / 39 MPM
Fresh Topics
  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

second draft better? =)
Replies: 9Last Post July 5 6:49pm by virginia287
Welcome to LiveWire!
We're Stronger Together.
Join the Community
Single page for this topic Email Print Favorite
( well well well )


Professional
Reply
He looks so silly. I always see him
holding an umbrella, even though there isn't rain.

I choke a laugh, and catch him smile,
still holding his umbrella, still on a sunny day.

Thunder claps, and sky splits open,
making the sunny day give way to heavy rain.

I see myself. I look so silly,
without an umbrella, standing in the rain.

I chance a glance, at he who's happy,
holding his umbrella, sheltered from the rain.

He blinks, and holds his out to me,
He gives me his umbrella. I am sheltered from the rain.

Then I laugh.  He looks so silly,
without an umbrella, standing in the rain.


6:33 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 132
Join to learn more about well well well New York, United States | Female | Posts: 1,130 | Points: 2,500
LiveWire Humor
jack8714


Wealthy Hobo
Reply
needs a better ending

-------
กกกǝɯɐƃ ǝɥʇ ʇsoן noʎ

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 232
Join to learn more about jack8714 Ohio, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 2,811 | Points: 5,402
eklipse


Ᵽaᴩillon

Patron
Support Leader
Tech Support Leader
Reply
Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (:

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 420
Join to learn more about eklipse Tokelau | Male | Posts: 24,635 | Points: 39,991
Leannbby


Executive

Ad Free
Reply
yes, it is betterr

-------
What happens when the only person that can make you stop crying
Is the one who made you cry.

6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 63
Join to learn more about Leannbby North Carolina, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 1,281 | Points: 3,116
( well well well )


Professional
Reply
Quote: from The Academy at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009

Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (:

bleh thanks =)
i'm just bored as hell and in a perfectionist mood


6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 132
Join to learn more about well well well New York, United States | Female | Posts: 1,130 | Points: 2,500
ehmusic


Visionary

Ad Free
Reply
It seems like what it is: rushed.  Give yourself time on an edit/revision.  Pretty much all you did was delete a line/white space.
This is more like a revised first draft, than an actual second draft.

-------
lol Что?

6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2007 | Days Active: 368
Join to learn more about ehmusic Slovenia | Male | Posts: 3,664 | Points: 8,303
blackbandaid


Enlightened One

Patron
Reply
The end is a bit disappointing, but not bad.

-------
We've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey
We thought our very hearts would up and melt away
vivere senza rimpianti

6:37 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Jan. 2006 | Days Active: 246
Join to learn more about blackbandaid New Zealand | Label Free Female | Posts: 9,224 | Points: 15,906
virginia287


Connoisseur

Patron
Reply
A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for

-------
They say nothing in life can be completed without passion -
so then show me something or (someone) to be passionate for...

6:40 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 412
Join to learn more about virginia287 Pennsylvania, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 2,019 | Points: 7,511
( well well well )


Professional
Reply
Quote: from virginia287 at 6:40 pm on July 5, 2009

A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for

bleh i appreciate the honesty =)
i thought maybe using the same few words seemed simplistic and ideal but.

any suggestions?


6:41 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 132
Join to learn more about well well well New York, United States | Female | Posts: 1,130 | Points: 2,500
virginia287


Connoisseur

Patron
Reply
try using different words than repeatedly saying "silly", "sunny", and "sheltered".

Yeah I sense the simplicity of the poem and I really like that, it almost adds instead of making the quality of your writing any less. But try replacing the words you use more than once (other than "rain" and "umbrella" obviously) and I think you will have a nice piece :)

-------
They say nothing in life can be completed without passion -
so then show me something or (someone) to be passionate for...


6:49 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 412
Join to learn more about virginia287 Pennsylvania, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 2,019 | Points: 7,511
Single page for this topic Email Print Favorite

Quick Reply

You are signed in as our guest.

Looking for something else?
 

  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic