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( well well well )
Professional
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He looks so silly. I always see him holding an umbrella, even though there isn't rain. I choke a laugh, and catch him smile, still holding his umbrella, still on a sunny day. Thunder claps, and sky splits open, making the sunny day give way to heavy rain. I see myself. I look so silly, without an umbrella, standing in the rain. I chance a glance, at he who's happy, holding his umbrella, sheltered from the rain. He blinks, and holds his out to me, He gives me his umbrella. I am sheltered from the rain. Then I laugh. He looks so silly, without an umbrella, standing in the rain.
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 LiveWire Humor
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jack8714
Wealthy Hobo
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needs a better ending
------- กกกǝɯɐƃ ǝɥʇ ʇsoן noʎ
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eklipse
Listzomania
Sustainer
Support Leader
Tech Support Leader
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Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (:
------- Maybe I'm your Mr. Right, Baby, maybe I'm the one you like, Maybe I'm a shot in the dark, And you're the morning light.
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Leannbby
Executive
Ad Free
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yes, it is betterr
------- What happens when the only person that can make you stop crying Is the one who made you cry.
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6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 | Joined: Dec. 2008 | Days Active: 68 Join to learn more about Leannbby North Carolina, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 1,309 | Points: 3,282
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ehmusic
Visionary
Ad Free
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It seems like what it is: rushed. Give yourself time on an edit/revision. Pretty much all you did was delete a line/white space. This is more like a revised first draft, than an actual second draft.
------- lol Что?
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blackbandaid
Enlightened One
Patron
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The end is a bit disappointing, but not bad.
------- We've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey We thought our very hearts would up and melt away vivere senza rimpianti
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virginia287
Connoisseur
Patron
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A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for
------- They say nothing in life can be completed without passion - so then show me something or (someone) to be passionate for...
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