So, someone else on my last topic said it sounded emo, (this is a different poem though,) and honestly most of my poetry sounds a bit ilke it. I just have a hard time writing about anything good. But here it is.
You're here to stay So it's time to say It's all your fault And it's not ohkay I'm tired of running My lifes not a race So stop playing dumb Or pick up the pace You say you're sorry It's not ohkay
I know it may sound a bit 6th grade... But some of my poetry was written when I was in the 6th grade. So overall, what do you think? All critisism is appreciated.
------- I'd rather spend my time near the birds Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:05 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3 Join to learn more about heavyrhythmKentucky, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
LiveWire Humor
Dannyjoe1000
Executive
YOU HAD A LOVER!
------- Je Suis Un Funky Homme! I'm Sicker Than A Dog
1:05 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2008 | Days Active: 163 Join to learn more about Dannyjoe1000Ireland | StraightMale | Posts: 2,823 | Points: 3,734
tearsofyourenemy
Dairy Product Addict
probably a 5/10 it's not bad but it definitely needs some work
------- "My mom did everything in hs.. She smoked pot, weed, AND marijuana"-My little blond friend
1:06 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: April 2009 | Days Active: 104 Join to learn more about tearsofyourenemyIndiana, United States | Label FreeFemale | Posts: 1,664 | Points: 2,750
eklipse
Ᵽaᴩillon Patron Support Leader Tech Support Leader
It sounds very childish and very... not vivid. It's not bad, but I think if you added detail and worked on it just a tad it could look and sound a whole lot better. After all, you are growing up, and you do have a more enhanced vocabulary. Why not use it?
1:07 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 421 Join to learn more about eklipseTokelau | Male | Posts: 24,635 | Points: 40,278
AloneAngel
Wealthy Hobo
I don't believe in rating any form of art, as it is what it means to the individual that counts.
------- Everythings better when its Penguin! The world would be a better place if we were all penguins.
1:08 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2008 | Days Active: 313 Join to learn more about AloneAngelEngland, United Kingdom | BisexualFemale | Posts: 907 | Points: 4,317
( heavyrhythm )
Grasshopper
Quote: from Dannyjoe1000 at 1:05 pm on July 9, 2009
YOU HAD A LOVER!
Not quite. lol.
------- I'd rather spend my time near the birds Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:12 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3 Join to learn more about heavyrhythmKentucky, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
The Wolfhound
Visionary
"I'm tired of running ... Or pick up the pace"
Do you even care about what you're writing? :-P
------- Topic closed.
1:12 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2008 | Days Active: 216 Join to learn more about The WolfhoundNew York, United States | StraightMale | Posts: 6,661 | Points: 9,223
Quote: from The Wolfhound at 1:12 pm on July 9, 2009
"I'm tired of running ... Or pick up the pace"
Do you even care about what you're writing? :-P
The poem is about a boy who raped me when a few years ago. And then stalked me. And no one has to believe me, (I didn't figure anyone ever would, which is why I never told.) But that's what it means. "I'm tired of running ... Or pick up the pace" Basically means I'm tired of avoiding you, so stop acting like you don't know why I hate you or just end this weird obsession. Get it?
------- I'd rather spend my time near the birds Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:16 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3 Join to learn more about heavyrhythmKentucky, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
kelley187
Executive
its got a good kinda beat to it, but it needs more detail. Detail makes a poem.
6:33 pm on July 14, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2008 | Days Active: 184 Join to learn more about kelley187Minnesota, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 1,745 | Points: 3,637
355 users online 
221558 members 
You have 1 new message.
Patron
YOU HAD A LOVER!
