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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

So what do you guys think???
Replies: 9 — Last Post July 14 6:33pm by kelley187
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Choice Votes Percent  
1/10 2 18%
2/10 0 0%
3/10 1 9%
4/10 2 18%
5/10 1 9%
6/10 2 18%
7/10 1 9%
8/10 0 0%
9/10 1 9%
10/10 1 9%
Vote Now! 11 Votes Cast
( heavyrhythm )


Grasshopper 		Reply
So, someone else on my last topic said it sounded emo, (this is a different poem though,) and honestly most of my poetry sounds a bit ilke it. I just have a hard time writing about anything good.
But here it is.

You're here to stay
So it's time to say
It's all your fault
And it's not ohkay
I'm tired of running
My lifes not a race
So stop playing dumb
Or pick up the pace
You say you're sorry
It's not ohkay

I know it may sound a bit 6th grade... But some of my poetry was written when I was in the 6th grade. So overall, what do you think? All critisism is appreciated.

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I'd rather spend my time near the birds
Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:05 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3
Join to learn more about heavyrhythm Kentucky, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
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Dannyjoe1000

Executive 		Reply
YOU HAD A LOVER!

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Je Suis Un Funky Homme!
I'm Sicker Than A Dog
1:05 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2008 | Days Active: 163
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tearsofyourenemy


Dairy Product Addict 		Reply
probably a 5/10 it's not bad but it definitely needs some work

-------
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pot, weed, AND marijuana"-My little blond friend
1:06 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: April 2009 | Days Active: 104
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The Mixed Tape


Lisztomania
Sustainer
Support Leader
Tech Support Leader 		Reply
It sounds very childish and very... not vivid. It's not bad, but I think if you added detail and worked on it just a tad it could look and sound a whole lot better. After all, you are growing up, and you do have a more enhanced vocabulary. Why not use it?

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Don't meddle with her heart, meddle with her mind.
1:07 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 460
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AloneAngel


Wealthy Hobo 		Reply
I don't believe in rating any form of art, as it is what it means to the individual that counts.

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The world would be a better place if we were all penguins.
1:08 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Feb. 2008 | Days Active: 329
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( heavyrhythm )


Grasshopper 		Reply
Quote: from Dannyjoe1000 at 1:05 pm on July 9, 2009
YOU HAD A LOVER!
Not quite. lol.

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I'd rather spend my time near the birds
Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:12 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3
Join to learn more about heavyrhythm Kentucky, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
The Wolfhound


Visionary 		Reply
"I'm tired of running
...
Or pick up the pace"

Do you even care about what you're writing? :-P

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Topic closed.

1:12 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2008 | Days Active: 241
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xxxlauraroxzxxx


Dairy Product Addict 		Reply
its kk...=]
1:15 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: June 2009 | Days Active: 124
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( heavyrhythm )


Grasshopper 		Reply
Quote: from The Wolfhound at 1:12 pm on July 9, 2009
"I'm tired of running  
...
Or pick up the pace"

Do you even care about what you're writing? :-P

The poem is about a boy who raped me when a few years ago. And then stalked me. And no one has to believe me, (I didn't figure anyone ever would, which is why I never told.) But that's what it means.
"I'm tired of running
...
Or pick up the pace"
Basically means I'm tired of avoiding you, so stop acting like you don't know why I hate you or just end this weird obsession. Get it?

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I'd rather spend my time near the birds
Than waste my life wishing I had wings
1:16 pm on July 9, 2009 | Joined: July 2009 | Days Active: 3
Join to learn more about heavyrhythm Kentucky, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 34 | Points: 64
kelley187


Executive 		Reply
its got a good kinda beat to it, but it needs more detail. Detail makes a poem.
6:33 pm on July 14, 2009 | Joined: Aug. 2008 | Days Active: 194
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