So I punched my arm, a few times. It helped, like a shot of morphine. I could relax, but it didn't last long and then I was thinking of my birthday a fortnight ago, it was more of an anti-birthday. The opposite of the ones I had when I was a kid. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of everything that was wrong. I even thought what would happen if i took all the medication in the house. I hated myself even more for thinking that. I knew I never would do it, it was just a thought. I don't think I stopped crying until I fell asleep.

This feeling happens quite often, sometimes bad and sometimes just lightly. It even happened when I was walking to school, a few tears even fell, but I pulled myself together for english class. I hate it and want it to stop. How do I do what will help me? If I go to a therapist or councilor, I have to talk, because I took myself there, but I don't think I could say what I would need to for them to help me, I would just want to walk out.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering through all of this alone.  Obviously, as you've pretty much said yourself, you aren't ready to talk to other about your problems, even if you do want them to stop.  Until you are ready to talk to others this is what I would recommend:

1. Talk to us here-- I know, contradictory to what I just said, but it's a lot easier to talk to someone who doesn't know you and won't judge you and plus, we won't back you into any corners or press you on what you don't want to address.

2. Start a journal-- each time you feel upset, write.  Get all of your feelings out on paper.  Write about how you feel, what you see, what you like, etc. Anything to calm yourself down and take you away from the situation.

3. Try meditating-- Whether it's listening to your favorite music, sitting in those awkward, uncomfortable positions going "oohmmmm", or focusing on a single object (message me, and I'll explain further), meditating will distract you from the problem at hand and work to focus your energy into a positive flow.

4. Find your happy place-- Cliche, right? Any culmination of the past three pieces of advice, coupled with your favorite place to be can prove to be a very effective way of melting away those unpleasant moments.

5. Try a sport -- Some people run, others shoot hoops, others swim.  If there is any type of physical activity that you enjoy, do it.  By exercising you not only get the benefit of a good workout, but you'll be able to burn away all your sadness and be so tired at the end that the only thing you'll want to do is sleep.  Plus, during exercise, your brain releases endorphins that promote happiness, which is always a plus!

and last but not least...

6.  Talk to those you trust -- eventually I hope you will be confident enough to talk to someone around you that you trust.  The best way to work through your problems is to talk them out and seek medical help (if needed.) I believe that you will find the strength to get the help you need one day,  but until then, trying out what I've suggested and coming up with activities of your own should prove to help.

I really wish you the best of luck and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Don't hesitate to message me anytime-- I promise I'll respond A.S.A.P.

Best Wishes!

-------
~LyricalAffair is my bff~