The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals - The SAPS are invited as guests. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" The South African Police Services arrives at the forest a week late, receives the briefing, then asks, "How you spell this one, this rubit thing ?" After photo indicates are distributed they locate the rabbit three weeks later, but he escaped from custody within 4 hours by posing as a policeman.


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
O- has to work hard
O- has to work at great depths
O- has to work upside down
O- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
O- has to work in a high humidity environment
O- has to work at high temperatures
O- does not get weekends and holidays off
O- does not get time off after extra hours of work
O- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply:
O- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
O- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
O- does not answer immediately to all requests
O- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
O- after a short activity period, falls asleep
O- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
O- works better alone than with others
O- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
O- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
O- sometimes leaves work too early


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "fuck or drown."


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a
beautiful blonde at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, "Hello".
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So
he says "do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and
says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the
pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?
Trying to hold in a laugh, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.
"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"
The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.
So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."
The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.
The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.
So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"
"We're celebrating!" he replies.
"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.
"Anal sex week!"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woean, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good god! Can it whistle, too?"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for Christmas - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
On Boxing day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin,
is there anything you can do to help me"?
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, " Medically, no, but here's
something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts
it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets
ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes
preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her
hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby yells "What
the fuck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh, nothing honey ... that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again - it's got my balls!"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm fucking bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
-=-=-=- =-=-=- =-=-=- =-=-=- =-=-=- =-=-=- =-=-= -=-=-=-
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
-=-=-=- =-=-=-= -=-=-=- =-=-=-= -=-=-=- =-=-=-= -=-=-=- =-=-=-
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene changes to a state of turmoil, when it hears the words, "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?" So, she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I am thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day then we went shopping at a big unnamed department store..I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. Then we go to the Jewellery section where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I do not think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look as she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2012.


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true story...

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked....

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with. Dear School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.

I told her to fuck off.

God bless you.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.