A few days before Christmas, I was waiting in line along with quite a few other people at a bank. A women with a small boy about 4 or 5 years old was also waiting in line about two places ahead of me. The boy, being rambunctious and a typical 4 or 5 year old, just couldn't stand and wait patiently, but was squirming, running around, etc.

His mother, getting agitated at both having to wait in line so long and having to deal with a little fireplug of a son, kept yelling at her son to "Stand here! Quit running around!!" Finally, having had enough, she instructed him to go and sit down at a chair against a wall and to "not move".

He pouted and went to the chair. No sooner did he crawl up into the chair and sit, he started to squirm and fidget. The mother, still about 3 people from a teller, looked over at her son and was about ready to yell at him when he beat her to the quick and blurted out, "I don't want you to yell at me and if you do, I'm gonna' tell everybody that I saw you with daddy's penis in your mouth last night!!"

I swear that there was dead silence in the bank for just a moment and I, along with several others, tried to cough and do everything else in our power to keep from laughing.

The mother turned white and then very, very red, but didn't leave the bank. She kept waiting in line for the teller and didn't say another word to her son. Her son, deducing from his mother's icy glare that he had just cooked his goose, turned extremely white and did NOT move at all in his chair.

When the woman was finished with her banking, she went over to her son and nearly pulled his arm out of its socket yanking him out of his chair.

It wasn't until they both were safely out of the bank that we all broke out into laughter and laughed so hard that many of us cried.


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Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Read it and weep, this is true!

The following was seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel; The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a surprise game-show - she idolised teenage pop star "Ricky Martin" - and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom, all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.

However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate. At this stage the live TV audience is wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarrassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.


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Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Hats off to this fella!! What goes around comes around.This is a true story from an Amco Christmas party in Australia last year. At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto Ticket.

Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room,"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving"

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.


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Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Recently, a Woman of 55 years old who lives in Hermanus was out shopping. When she returned to her car, there were 6 black men sitting in it. Being the kind of feisty woman who packs a gun for emergencies, she whipped it out and yelled, "I know how to use it, and I'm quite prepared to. Get out!!!"

The men shat themselves, and bailed.

The woman then got into the car, and to her confusion, the key wouldn't fit in the ignition.

Wrong car.

Not hers. Oops!!!.

Realising her little faux pas, she thought she better report her mistake at the Police Station. Which she did.

When she told the officer on duty the story, he wet himself laughing. And when he could speak again, he pointed at the 6 terrified black men sitting at the other end of the room. Six men who'd just reported being hijacked by an elderly white lady.


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Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority. It was shortly before Christmas when the CAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.

Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing skis, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then, the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a SHOTGUN.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner replied, "I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but we have to check out your skills in handling when problems arise, so you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

(before I get complaints, this *is* only a joke ).


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

The Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
------------------------------------------
The Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
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British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
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Deer Kill 17,000
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Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
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Man Steals Clock, Faces Time
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Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Two cannibals, a father and a son were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said "Ooh Dad, there's one." "No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
A little while later, along came this really overweight man. The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman walks by. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father, "We will not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

So there's a penguin driving through the desert and its hot.... really hot. The penguin drives for several hours through the scorching desert until his car breaks down.
The penguin pulls out his cell phone and calls a local auto shop. The mechanic brings the tow truck to the penguins car, picks him up and takes him and his car back to the auto shop.
When they arrive the mechanic says "It's going to take me a few hours to fix your car, why don't you walk around town and entertain yourself for awhile."
The penguin leaves the auto shop and as he walks out the door notices an ice cream shop... "a little taste of home" he thinks to himself.
The penguin walks over to the ice cream shop and orders his favorite frozen treat... vanilla ice cream. He sits down at a table and goes to town on his vanilla ice cream, making a huge mess and getting ice cream all over himself. He finishes his ice cream and heads back to the auto shop.
When he arrives the mechanic comes out and says "Well sir, its looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replies "Oh no, its just ice cream"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold!!!"

-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.
A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.
The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jones. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jones said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"
After continued begging from the Jones, the doc said "ok, ok... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?". She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says ," I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."  


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.

A little boy runs up to his mom.
'Mommy, am I deformed?' he asks.
'No,' replies Mom, 'Of course not. Why do you ask?'
'Because I only have one weewee,' says the boy.
'Honey, men only have one weewee,' says Mom.
'But Daddy has two!' exclaims the boy.
'Hah, no, Daddy only has one. Believe me, I know,' says Mom.
'Nuh uh,' says the boy, 'Daddy has 2. A regular one he goes peepee with, and a great big one he brushes the babysitter's teeth with.'


-------
Jason's Joke Thread.  
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.