So on my way home from lunch today I was riding in the car, thinking.
And I've realized that nothing means anything to me anymore.
I don't mean I'm emotionless or that I'm numb, I'm not.
I just mean there is nothing that actually impacts me. Things that would change people so drastically do nothing for me.
I'm still the same.
When I go back home this weekend there's a chance that I might be losing my virginity next week.
For most this would be a major thing.
For me, I can't even seem to care. It's as if it won't matter at all.
I think I'll feel the same afterwards. Losing something that big should impact me quite a bit. I know it won't. My point here is, I want something to change.
I want something huge to happen, to impact my life like nothing has done in so long.
I want to feel the difference, but I don't think I can.
Maybe part of me is numb and I just haven't noticed. 
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She's gone.
She gave me a pen.
I gave her my heart,
she gave me a pen.
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Christmas Eve
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