Don't take this the wrong way, I don't hate my life, and I don't want to commit suicide because I hate my life, or whatever. But in a way I always feel like I'm burdening whoever I'm close to. When I was 13 I moved away from my mom, an undiagnosed schizophrenic, to live with my dad, an alcoholic, sober for 2 years. I lived with him for a total of 10 months before he was back in prison for booze-related charges.

Then I was to live with my sister and her then-fiance, for a year, as I started high school. That didn't work out either.

In the end I find myself back with my mom, struggling to keep up with the rent. I'm 17 now and struggling to keep up with school, which I have been gone for almost 4 months now. Just two days ago, I moved in with my grandparents, and still have to wonder if this is going to work out either.

I wonder why I get thrown down like this all the time. I know I'm not a bad kid, I don't do drugs, the only time I drink is on occasion, and I love school. I just don't understand it sometimes.

And yet, I somehow manage to get up every morning and fake a smile to my loved ones and friends. It gets tiresome knowing that I'm lying to them all, telling them that I'm okay and things are going to be fine. Sometimes I wonder if people such as my sister, or my grandmother know that I'm feeling really shitty inside. But you can't say anything or else they take it the wrong way, thinking that you're suicidal or depressed, which I don't think I am.

Thank god I've got livewire to rant all my useless troubles too

I don't usually agree with posting anon, but I need to do it in this case, since I have r.l. friends on here, and they don't know half of what I just said here.

And thank you for reading this excruciatingly long post.

First off, ending your life is a very serious matter. Think of all the people who would be devastated if anything happened to you like that. Think about your parents. Your sister, your friends, teachers and even locals. People will miss you so much. I think in your heart you wouldn't want to go down that path. I, myself, often think what its like when people die. I guess it's a common thought for people. We all would love to know what happens when we die.

We all have our good days and we all have our bad days. I find it is easy to hide how I really feel inside from my parents. Perhaps you are good at hiding your true feelings and this is why your sister, grandmother and friends haven't noticed that inside your unhappy.

You seem to really want people to know how you feel. Maybe I have got your wrong in saying this. Its almost like you have decided to finally get some help for feeling so hopeless. I think a good start is to speak to your friends. Next time you are feeling down, don't saying you are fine when you're not. Tell them how you feel. They are your friends and will always be here for you no matter what. That is what friends are for, right? One thing I don't recommend is to bottle up your feelings. Please, please, speak to your friends who you need someone to speak too. You did say that they don't know much about your situation and I understand that, I do. You don't have to go into the details of your past necessarily. But you could just explain you'd like someone to listen and be there for you as you are dealing with some difficult things.  

Next, while having a great friend to confide in will help you out, I suggest you speak to a counsellor. You have had a tough few years with moving homes a lot and this could be some of the reasons why you are so down on yourself. Try and arrange something with a counsellor as soon as you can. This may mean you might have to speak to an adult like your grandmother but at the end of the day, all she would want was for you to be happy and have a good life.

Life can be so tough at times. I think we have all felt like giving up because things have become difficult. However, you don't have to give up. Your situation will improve and life will get better for you. Hold your head up high and stay strong.

If you ever want someone to speak too, don't hesitate to message me. I wish you the very best of luck for the future.

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I wonder why I get thrown down like this all the time. I know I'm not a bad kid...

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Wondering why all of this has happened sounds pretty normal, but trying to place that blame on yourself isn't the answer. It's not because you're a bad kid or because of anything you've done! Shit things happen in life and while we're growing up we can find ourselves being switched from pillar to post without any real explanation and sometimes there really is no reason or person to blame for the way things have worked out. Sure, your parents could have done things different. But it's not your fault that all of this moving around for you has happened as a result, is it? I'm not saying you have to blame them, either; they could have been more responsible, who knows, but this is just the way things are now. Questioning it isn't really going to make it better, y'know? Accepting it, living with it and trying to get on with your life can. And, to be pretty honest, it sounds like you're doing a damn good job of getting on with your life. Honestly.

What are you struggling with in school specifically? If it's the workload or something similar then perhaps going to a teacher and explaining that you've moved around a lot in the past few years (without going into great detail if you don't fancy it) and are struggling with the workload, catching up, whatever, might really help. You could seek advice on time management and things like that, yeah? I know it sounds like a lot of hassle but sometimes you just have to do what it takes to set things straight. Also, now that you've moved in with your grandparents things might become a little easier. We don't know for sure but give it some time, see how it goes.

You know, you really don't have to get up every day with a fake smile if you're not really feeling it. It really is ok to just say, quite simply, that you're not feeling to great. You don't have to spill it all out if you don't want to and you don't have to go into any great detail. Just saying that you don't feel fantastic is honestly ok, and it'll mean you don't have to go on pretending that you're feeling fine when you're not. People can't help or support you if they don't know something's wrong, right? If people jump to conclusions and worry that you're feeling suicidal and/or depressed then you can assure them that you don't think you are, but that the last few years have really taken their toll on you. Having a look at all the ups and downs you had, your feelings now are so very natural. Human emotions are natural! Why should you, or anyone for that matter, have to hide them? Think about that.

I'm not saying you have to rush right out waving a banner exclaiming that you're feeling really shitty. You don't have to announce it to the world. But you don't have to carry on pretending to be happy when you're not, either. Sometimes that can only make it worse and, to be honest, you deserve some happiness and less stress in your life right now, don't you think? Friends and family can be so good at making us feeling better, just by simply being. They have to know what's going on in order to be that help to you, though.

Now that you're living with your grandparents, I'm going to assume that you don't have as much stress in terms of having to worry about rent and whatnot? Maybe you could try taking some time out to de-stress! Spend some time with friends, away from the family drama, hmm? Spending time with friends, even when they don't know you're unhappy, can actually be of great use too. It helps escape things for a little while and just enjoy yourself. You're young, it's what you should be doing.

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i think you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see