I finally just needed to let this out Please don't judge me on this. Its my life and I am ready to move on after 8 years
When I 13 (2001) I was visiting my grandparents and aunt,uncle,and cousin for the summer. I was at my aunt & uncle's house and I had spent the night with my cousin Tyler and the next day my sister was going to be up for summer also (my grandparents left state to pick her up)..well my uncle put us to bed b/c my aunt just had surgery on her arm b/c of her diabetes her bones in her arm were deteriorating...any ways after he put us to bed I heard the house door open and then shut and I heard him walk down the step and open and shut the door down stairs. My cousin and I were in the same bedroom so we were talking and I guess my uncle did this every night. About 10minutes later he came back and I heard his lighter snap I didn't think nothing of it b/c he smoked.... apparently he was smoking pot and shooting up Heroin. The next morning when I woke up I walked out into the living room and My uncle was laying on the couch wide awake so I sat by his legs (which I always did b/c he would warp his legs around me like my dad did b4 my dad took off on my sister and me with our mom's best friend...which we r both fine with now ^_^) and this day I looked up at the shelf and saw some cute figure's one was a Knight on a horse with a small gem on the shield, the other was 2 Unicorns facing one another with a crystal ball on their horns and the third one was of a dragon standing up on it's back legs holding a crystal ball. I did like a normal child would do and i picked it up and I was like Uncle Forrest these are so pretty where did u get them and he said when I was away I found them at an old store in Arizona. I was like aww they are cute and I put it down and went back to sitting by his legs and we watched some show on TV about cars and trucks. Well around 8 or 9 pm my grandparents picked my cousin and I up b/c they had just gotten back from picking my sister up and we went to spend the night at my grandparents house. Well before we left my uncle picked up the 3 figurines that I said was pretty and he gave them to me and told me when I go back home I can think of him and he would always be there with me every time I looked into the crystal balls. I was so happy I hugged him and I told him I loved him and I was glad he came home from his long adventure (my uncle left my aunt and cousin while he took care of business with his other 2 children in Arizona) We said out good byes and left to go out for ice cream ^_^...... This is the part of the story I would like to forget but I can't its burned into my mind and I can't remove it no matter how much I try. I looked at my sister and said I am uncle Forrest's favorite Niece now and he gave me these (I was being a little brat like a normal child when they got something rare and valuable (in the kid's eyes) ) and my sister just looked away. Any ways the next morning the telephone rang and it was my aunt she was crying and asked to speak to my papa so I handed him the phone and said aunty is crying papa. He took the phone and said hello and I heard my aunt screaming and crying on the phone. My grandfather looked at me and said Ashley go get your grandmother and tell her to come here. So I did and me being me I went back into the room to see what was going on and my grandfather looked at me and said Ashley go into u the attic and play with ur sister and cousin (that was our play room and the basement was our play room also) So I did and I told my sister that Aunty was on the phone crying and she was like yeah her arm probably hurts so I went to get the barbies and play with my sister and cousin... About 30 minutes later my Grandparents pulled the light string (which ment 4 us to come down stairs) well my aunt was sitting at the kitchen table and my grandmother was fixing her some tea and my grandfather was just standing at the door when we walked in and my aunt took her son in her arms and said Tyler, Meghan and Ashley Something bad happened last night something really bad and you can't be mad at anyone for this because it happens in life and so we were like umm ok and she held our cousin close and she said Tyler your daddy died last night he woke me up at 3am and said I love you and lett Tyler know I love him and Tell Meghan and Ashley I love them and remind Ashley of what I told her (no one knew what he had told me) I stood there with the blankest face I had ever had and said Uncle Forrest didn't Die Aunty and she said yes baby girl he did (only my aunt and uncle had ever called me Baby girl no one else was allowed to) and I looked at my grandparents and they was crying. My sister who was 15 at the time andonly gotto see hime for 10 minutes was screaming and crying my cousin tyler (her son) was 9 at the time he was crying and I wasnt I stood there for another secound and said NO AUNTY HE DIDN'T DIE and my papa picked me up and held me and said yes he did he is in heaven now with mère (grandma in french) I looked at him and said but papa how and he said idk and he held me close and I started to cry and I said I Hate him I hate him for dieing and I hate my aunt for telling me. After a few hrs I finally stopped crying. My mother was on her way up and my father and his new girlfriend (mom's best friend) were on their way up too (my dad and uncle were best friends) for his funeral. Us kids went with my aunt to the funeral home to help wright the article for the paper and get everything organized. I just sat there with that same blank look on my face and when it was time to leave I looked at my aunt and said Aunty when you die and go to heaven can you come back and be alive again like in the movies? She looked at me and said baby girl once you die you can't come back like in the movies its not possible. I just nodded my head and left it as that. the next few days are a blur I went to the funeral I looked at my uncle (open casket) and I said Uncle Forrest will I really be able to feel you are here with me when I look into the crystal balls? and something in me told me yes so I kissed him on the cheek and said Uncle Forrest why did u have to kill yourself Aunty and Tyler miss you I Miss you Meghan misses you why did u have to go its not fair Meghan only got 10 minutes to see you she hasn't seen you in years and now u leave for good its not fair. My aunt came over and stood by me and said baby girl he loves u and misses you; you know this right I nodded and sat by my dad. I started crying again and he looked at me and said "NOW Ashley ENOUGH with this crying bull shit! Stop being Selfish he is gone there is no bringing him back now enough or I'll give u something to really cry about. No child of mine is going to cry and show their weakness NOT while I am alive" that's the last thing I remember from 2001. July 16, 2001 my uncle took his own life. Forrest B. Standish. my uncle over dosed on Heroin that night because he had been stealing from my grandparents and he was getting caught. I found this you 3 years later because I was the only one to keep questioning why and how he died. Finally someone told me that it was suicide and he ment to kill himself. After learning of that I vowed never to try and kill myself and to help people who want to kill themselves because it hurts so many people. Well after that and my papa dieing from cancer June 18, 2002 after many months of treatment and pain it was his time to go, and then after one of my friends from high school being killed by her boyfriend in a car wreck (HE was going 110 MPH racing some kid form a rival school down a street with one curve at the end he lost control of the car and slammed into a huge oak tree. Jessica was in the passenger's seat her side of the car hit the tree. She was mercy flighted to the hospital where she died) after all that and the stress of daily life and moving to college I just started cutting and I haven't really wanted to stop until now. I am almost 21 years old I have to grow up and be an adult I need to stop cutting. I Just buried my other grandfather October 4th 2008 and another friend from high school Jessica Frey who was only 16 years old. Jessica Frey died December 25, 2008. (I grew up with her family and sister and her Jessica was like my sister) Jessica had been threw so much. She was born with a bad heart and as I have been told she shouldn't have lived past 7. Jessica had a stroke earlier in 2008 but was better as she would tell me threw AIM. Any ways I don't know why I wrote this maybe I just finally needed to let things out. I didn't cry I wanted to but it's not possible for me to cry over my life any more. I have been threw a lot but I have it better then most kids. So there's no use in it.