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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

My War
Replies: 5 — Last Post Mar. 19 8:36pm by helenia
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( helenia )


Professional 		Reply

Here is the account of the last five years of one soldier's life


"Walking down a path of fright,
Got no gun, got no knife,
Following my steps, no light,
War is here, still got my life.

Enemy comes on my right,
Moving swiftly here,
He quickly moves out of sight,
That just brings more despair.

I turn and grab my old ,dear, mutt,
Whose protection is toward me,
He cannot run, can only walk,
And I pray, they don't catch me.

Who are they that battle me?
Is life won or lost?
In the end, who will be free
What's our earthly cost?  


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i live in a world that seems to exist in non existence!

9:26 pm on Mar. 7, 2010 | Joined: Dec. 2009 | Days Active: 140
Join to learn more about helenia California, United States | Transgendered Female | Posts: 1,362 | Points: 2,789
LiveWire Humor
brittanyanna


Wealthy Hobo 		Reply
oh..

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And a new day will dawn; For those who stand long
And the forests will; Echo with laughter
9:27 pm on Mar. 7, 2010 | Joined: Feb. 2010 | Days Active: 78
Join to learn more about brittanyanna Montana, United States | Bisexual Female | Posts: 3,283 | Points: 4,483
Thanantoss


Wealthy Hobo
Patron 		Reply
Quote: from brittanyanna at 9:27 pm on Mar. 7, 2010
oh..
People like you really piss me off.

That was good I liked it.

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Ask me anything you'd like
Add my msn if you''d like thanantos@live.com

9:41 pm on Mar. 7, 2010 | Joined: Mar. 2010 | Days Active: 73
Join to learn more about Thanantoss Oman | Straight | Posts: 4,161 | Points: 4,158
bloodwolves


Soothsayer 		Reply
That is a pretty awesome poem to be honest,I like it.
Ignore people that don't give normal answers because they are just posting for the point and yes it irritates me to

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__X JoJo X  __
9:49 am on Mar. 9, 2010 | Joined: Mar. 2005 | Days Active: 504
Join to learn more about bloodwolves England, United Kingdom | Bi-curious Female | Posts: 5,287 | Points: 11,682
The Academy


help i'm alive
Sustainer
Support Leader 		Reply
I think the poem overall was pretty good, but I'm sort of confused with what happened in terms of the rhyming scheme which you tried to use. Overall, I'm not fan of rhyming to begin with (even in my own writing) as they usually always seem forced and unnatural... and any real 'mistakes' generally tend to stick out, as did the rhyming issues in this poem. The first stanza went pretty well in these terms, but then it sort-of broke apart in the second where it wasn't too noticeable (here doesn't rhyme necessarily with despair), and then it was highly noticeable when you got to trying to rhyme mutt with walk. As for the fourth stanza, you seem to have picked up the rhymes better, but all in all... it just didn't work with this poem - now I will say that one thing I'm glad to see is that you didn't force a horribly designed rhyming words into the poem. That would have just looked pretty... iffy. Other than that, some parts of it came off as choppy and short. It could have been more vivid, but it was a good poem.
7:53 pm on Mar. 10, 2010 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 656
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( helenia )


Professional 		Reply
thats how my life is. i don rhyme and im choppy, and i dont always make sense.

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i live in a world that seems to exist in non existence!
8:36 pm on Mar. 19, 2010 | Joined: Dec. 2009 | Days Active: 140
Join to learn more about helenia California, United States | Transgendered Female | Posts: 1,362 | Points: 2,789
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