So lately I have been fucking up to say the least. My favourite teacher confronted me about it today and I hate to let her down. I emailed this to her:
I'm really sorry about my lack of motivation lately. Your class is my favourite and I hate to disappoint you because I hold you in such high regards. When I said that nothing was going on to make me act this way, it was a lie because I did not want to start crying in front of the whole class and be embarrassed. I seem to be having trouble lately finding out who I am. I have this idea in my mind that who I am is plain, uninteresting, boring, and that there is just nothing special about me. So, due to this idea, I have begun to do out-of-character things, such as skip classes, not listen in class (sometimes I do, depends on the mood I'm in), disregard my parents, leave the house whenever I want, be anti-social at home (stay in my room all night). On top of all that I had a stint in the past week where I tried smoking and stole a pack from my mom. I confessed this to my boyfriend who has been a saint through all this, and he made me promise not to do it again. Also, Kyle got mad at me for that and some other equally stupid choices I've made and Kyle never gets mad at me, ever. You have seen us. I consider him to be one of my best friends and to have him angry with me and not even talk to me broke my heart and I cried so heavily.
It seems as though I am having an identity crisis and to me that seems and sounds rather pathetic as I'm only 17, but I guess it happens. I've been split between one of two extremes and for some reason I cannot fathom ever being a goody-two-shoes or a prude or a little miss perfect. I feel like this uncontrollable rebel but every time I try to rebel I seem to push the people and aspects in my life I care about most, which is definitely not good. It feels like I can't win. I am not lying when I say that I hate school. I love learning, I just hate the mundane routine and daily lack of motivation because I feel as though nothing I am learning is valuable to me. I cannot fathom when I will ever need to know the quadratic formula or know that when you put an acid into a base it changes colour. This is why I love English so much. It has use. That and Biology.
So what I'm getting at is that I feel absolutely horrible about how I've disappointed you. That day that I skipped I was working on Pride and Prejudice in the cafeteria and when I saw you I felt so bad because you seemed so disappointed in me. I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. I actually refer to you as my second mother to my friends because I highly value your opinion and I genuinely feel you are one of the wisest people I've ever met. I've felt close to you ever since last year's English class and this was only heightened by going to New York with you. I would not be sending this email if I were not comfortable with you.
I am starting to get my act together. I'm realizing my mistakes. All of my friends have no idea what to do with me and I feel horrible for stressing them out. That, and my boyfriend means the absolute world to me and he is trying so hard to help me and I can no longer put him through this. He is more important than some petty teenage angst. He has truly put up with a lot of my crap and I still don't know why he hasn't fled yet, but he assures me he is here to stay. I don't know why I have such great people like you, Kyle, Marcus (boyfriend), and all my other friends in my life because I don't always treat you all as I should. For that, I am deeply sorry.
I realize this was a lot and I in no way mean to unload you on this but I just felt like you would want to know and I really want to hear your opinion on this. Thank you very much. :)
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Bite my lip and close my eyes, take me away to paradise.
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Dang. I guess you don't mind opening up. 
