sometimes i feel like the worlds on your shoulders
sometimes i feel like i should just behold you
your beauty is relatively beautifuller than mine
but your love shows your kindness and overshadows me

i wish i could tell you
your always on my mind
but that would be lieing
cuz always isnt enough

this poem ill never show you
cuz this love is a battle
between us we struggle
but our love remains the strongest

i love you like those stars
that wont seperate from the moon
reflecting your face
under candlelight romance

when you touch me i shiverrrr
i cannot say no
but you betray me every single day
when you tell me goodbye

without you my life
like a motherless kite
an orphan with no shelter
with no place to hide

i tell you tonight
forever and ever

i love you, i love..
your eversweet smile
the way that you kiss me
the way that your shy

your masculine body
whenever its close to mine
my heart is a race car
racing for the finish

not caring if ill make it
let me just drown in it
ill tell you again
again and again
in my mind theres so much love
but those words are never enough

i love you
i love you
but i love you isnt enough

(what do you guys think about my poem? )

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i dont know what to say....neh just kidding, i do

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omg! its perfect

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Quote: from Roseapose at 5:07 am on Nov. 10, 2009

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omg! its perfect

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Please tell me you're joking.

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Please tell me you're joking.  

whats wrong with the poem...
as if you could write something like that  


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i dont know what to say....neh just kidding, i do

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Quote: from eklipse at 3:20 pm on Nov. 10, 2009

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Quote: from Roseapose at 5:07 am on Nov. 10, 2009

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omg! its perfect

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Please tell me you're joking.

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Please tell me you're joking.  

whats wrong with the poem...
as if you could write something like that  
 

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Quote: from MsCrazymusician at 11:55 am on Nov. 11, 2009

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Quote: from eklipse at 3:20 pm on Nov. 10, 2009

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Quote: from Roseapose at 5:07 am on Nov. 10, 2009

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omg! its perfect

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Please tell me you're joking.

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 Please tell me you're joking.  

 whats wrong with the poem...  
 as if you could write something like that  
 

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I write a lot of poetry and short stories.
If you really want me to critique it, I will.

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critique it please...
helps me out cuz i am actually a musician and i write my own songs so that would help me out

thanks

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i dont know what to say....neh just kidding, i do

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sometimes i feel like the worlds on your shoulders

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The I rule: I's are always capitalized when they're freestanding. If they're in a word such as 'independent' they're going to be lowercase, but if it's 'I' it will always by capitalized.

Beautifuller <-- That is not a word. You can't make up words to put in your work, it only makes it look that much more terrible.

Lieing <-- Lying, not lieing

Cuz <-- ALWAYS write out the word in it's entirety if you ever want your poetry to be taken seriously. Cuz will never cut it unless you plan on being a rap-artist. Because, seriously, it takes two seconds to type out fully.

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this poem ill never show you

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Commas <-- Your poem lacks a lot of them where they would be appropriate. Right now, it just looks like a clump of run on sentences within the stanzas. They're usually good if you want to make a pause, or if you're using (for, and, nor, but, or, some y word I forget, so) after where the comma could be placed.

seperate <-- Separate, not seperate.

shiverrrr <-- Four 'r's on purpose?

Overall, I don't really like the poem. It doesn't flow from one stanza to the next in a structured way, in my opinion.

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₪₦ine₪

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sometimes i feel like the worlds on your shoulders

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I believe it world be world's due to the fact that it would flow as: Sometimes I feel like the world is on your shoulders.

The I rule: I's are always capitalized when they're freestanding. If they're in a word such as 'independent' they're going to be lowercase, but if it's 'I' it will always by capitalized.

Beautifuller <-- That is not a word. You can't make up words to put in your work, it only makes it look that much more terrible.

Lieing <-- Lying, not lieing

Cuz <-- ALWAYS write out the word in it's entirety if you ever want your poetry to be taken seriously. Cuz will never cut it unless you plan on being a rap-artist. Because, seriously, it takes two seconds to type out fully.

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this poem ill never show you

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This doesn't exactly make sense.

Commas <-- Your poem lacks a lot of them where they would be appropriate. Right now, it just looks like a clump of run on sentences within the stanzas. They're usually good if you want to make a pause, or if you're using (for, and, nor, but, or, some y word I forget, so) after where the comma could be placed.

seperate <-- Separate, not seperate.

shiverrrr <-- Four 'r's on purpose?

Overall, I don't really like the poem. It doesn't flow from one stanza to the next in a structured way, in my opinion.

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first off i want to thank you for your time and effort put into helping me out
i actually am dutch so writing in english kinda sucks sometimes but..
yeah i kinda wrote it in like 10 minutes on livewire, it's just a draft but i was thinking of turning it into a song maybe so ill take up on your advices

for the "shiverrrr" mistake was on purpose
i like to keep my poems easy and breezy so thats why i abbreviate in them sometimes

but really....thanks  

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i dont know what to say....neh just kidding, i do