I haven't heard from him in days. The last time he called me he yelled at me for not having returned a form to him when he wanted and he hung up on me. I'm almost out of food money though so I had to call Mom about it and now he's going to call me back soon but I know he's going to bitch at me. I also learned that he's been talking about me behind my back, bitching about how it costs $40,000 a year to go to school here (most of which is in loans in my name) and I'm only taking two courses which is bullcrap.

For starters, I was taking 3 which is 12 credits. I couldn't finish programming however and told him so. I asked what he thought I should do and he agreed that it'd be a good idea to withdraw rather than flunk. I changed majors, finally deciding it was time to give up on programming, and now I'm registered for 3 classes next quarter, a total of 14 credits. I'd have more but I couldn't get into the online course I wanted. But he's always done that. He'll approve of a decision and then bitch at you for it and tell everyone he knows how horrible you are. I know he's telling my older half brother how horrible I am right at this very moment, he gossips more than most women do and he's bragged about it to us, how he puts us down with his friends.

Not only is he being unfair and acting like I'm a slacker, he's also being a hypocrite. I've been fighting programming for a year now and last year, in my third quarter, I totally broke. I withdrew from my hardware class because I couldn't keep up and the professor was really mean and I quit programming again because I fell behind on our project and could never recover. Basically, Information Technology was not what I wanted, I was horrible at it...I was down to one class and I told him that I thought I should come home and he forced me to stay even though I told him that I needed to reassess my goals. So there is no sense in his being mad now and I'm so fed up with him acting bipolar about everything.

I'm seeing a counselor now but we haven't really gotten into everything that's been bothering me yet. But at my last session, I basically blew up and spent over half the session ranting and raving about him so I think the secret is out that he is a pain in my ass... >.>

I don't want to care what he thinks anymore. I don't want to get upset that he puts me down when he's around people that I think poorly of anyways. Why should I care what a truck driver thinks? Or a really crappy high school teacher that no one likes? Or my older half brother who doesn't even care that I exist? I should write it off, I know...and I should just fill out that form and send it anyways and if he gets pissed that I didn't send it right away whatever, there is no deadline. And I shouldn't care if he gets upset that I haven't had my car looked at yet. I'm not leaving for at least another week, I have time and I was planning on doing it tomorrow. These are all things that can be handled and he's stressing me out and putting me down...I don't want to care anymore...and I'm so tired of crying and holding everything in, he's been really nasty and horrible all my life, I just sort of want some advice, anything to maybe help me feel a little better. :(