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How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants

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Friend: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z wait, shit.

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My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert. Just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating, so she calls me a pervert again?!? There is no justice in the world...

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Facebook keeps giving me targeted ads for gay social networking sites, and telling me where I can meet "hot gay men in my area." I am a straight female.

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I walked by a really big guy on a bike the other day. He yelled, "GET OUT OF THE WAY." He was on an exercise bike at the gym.

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It was either going to be the best orgasm I ever had, or I was going to shit myself. I played it safe and made him stop.

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Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

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my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

...I just died laughing.

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Don't be a scrotumbrain.

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It was either going to be the best orgasm I ever had, or I was going to shit myself. I played it safe and made him stop.  

 

...I just died laughing.

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not that funny

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