Not eating is a lot harder than purging. Eating well and being what one might consider "normal" is harder still.

Doing my work is a scary because what if I don't do it well enough? I feel so pathetic. I handed in my English Language coursework and I KNOW that I did terribly; a lot of it wasn't there for a start. Awful structure, use of language and analysis. Unless I get another shot at it, I'm looking at an E grade, D at best.

So now I don't want to face the rest of what I have to do because I'm so fucking scared of doing my best and still failing, like I did with that damn coursework.

Granted, I was stressed and tired, on the brink of a breakdown and my teacher was away when I wrote it, but that should not be an excuse. Is this not the time when we are supposed to be learning independence in preparation for University? Yes, it is, so I can bitch about my teacher all I want, at the end of the day, it's MY life I fucked up.

I haven't finished my University application and I can't face it. I don't have all my choices, my personal statement annoys the fuck out of me and I just want everything to go away.

I need to crawl under my duvet with a bottle of whisky so that I don't have to face the world or my failures.

I am sitting here in my dressing gown and glasses; a coffee stain on the front and trying so fucking hard not to cry.

I started smoking today again. I was neither drunk nor stoned, and I picked up a cigarette and enjoyed it. The bitter taste in my mouth didn't go away for ages, but it sure as hell made me feel better.

Why does nobody ever tell you how hard life actually is?

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oh yes, it's stressful and you'll need to work hard, but you're a bright girl,, you'll pass easy!

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good luck though :)

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"But I'm not Batman, so it wouldn't have been an issue."

Im really lazy too. It can make you feel really shitty at times, but find something that inspires you and you'll get through. And this is not false hope, you can do this. Find some self confidence and assurance and everything will be mk hun, i promise.

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"How can anybody learn anything from an artwork when the piece of
art only reflects the vanity of the artist and not reality?" - Lou Reed

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The Fuck there's no Such thing as E grade.

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If you don't do it well, you can at least go away knowing that you did your best, right? You're not going to pass everything with flying colors, and we're all bound to fail eventually heck, we're all going to most likely have to retake a course in college/uni/any other form of education.  If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Don't give up, and show that you can do it. If not for yourself, for your professor. Show him you're putting some effort into it, and perhaps that will guide him to at least push your grade up some.

You can't blame yourself for being upset when trying to do your paper work. You got it done, sure, and it wasnt your best, sure, but you still got it done and tried it, even with all the factors which were facing you. You haven't fucked up your life, and you still have plenty of time to redo things and prove not only to yourself, but to everyone else that you're capable of rising above every problem you've ever been faced with. Lifes not going to be easy, schools not going to be easy. If it was, we'd all fly by like nothing ever went past our faces. Will alcohol really solve anything? Or will getting out of this and continuing everything be the source of success? You have to make a choice, one that's going to further your problems, or slowly help you out of them.

It's okay to cry and express emotion, you have every right to do it. As long as you don't blame yourself and go off to do something else destructive to your body. Don't hold it in, express yourself.

You'll get through this, one step at a time.

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Everything is never as it seems.

As for work at school, it's always gonna be difficult especially when you're not so interested in it. If you want to do art at uni then English doesn't matter so much. Once you're at uni and doing what you want to do, what is set by you, and not a very concrete syllabus that could be totally contrary to what you're interested in. You'll find it a load easier to get shit done and meet deadlines.

If drinking is what you need to do then force yourself not to do it alone. That's how I get through things, I refuse to drink alone, so I go out to facilitate my drinking and in the end, the being social cures the mood rather than the drink. If you must, it's better to drink a bit than to smoke, drinking will do more for you, and it's not as unattractive. You need someone. From your posts, it looks like your boyfriend isn't helping matters. Find someone else, if you feel like you're using him then you'll just hate yourself more.

It is difficult being bigged up constantly. Predicted straight A* at GCSE and only getting 6/14 of them, still coming 3rd in the year makes you feel like a fucking failure. I feel the same in that respect, I don't wanna do physics, I wanna do music tech but I'm constantly told I'm better than that. Find someone you don't feel like you're using, who knows you like LW does, who you don't feel like you're hiding anything from or using. Someone to cuddle, someone to talk to.

Also, PM me if you want help with UCAS, we can bounce ideas off each other if you want?

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The Cancer
POINTS!
I am immortal! It's because I have soup on my head! BINGO!- Soupy George
Brumski