and it was jumbled and skidded too fast on a dozen colliding worlds and he was like, "you can imagine what kind of state she must have been in to write that" how can you be so savvy about drugged up states but also so dismissive. i remember being lubricated from feeling because it's the let-down is a familiar path and i also remember telling myself to remember and to hold on to it so that i'm not disappointed again
those words on the blog were vivid though and they could hold their own and i could glean their brilliance like it's something worth holding on to
even if they weren't coherent and even if i was too grounded to keep up or to glimpse too much.
i think my disappointment was an equal and opposite let-down though because by feeling, i stop being on the same page and i stop being in the same bubble and i'm a traitor somehow. and no amount of understanding or thinking would ever ever do, because effects count.
and im sorry but i'm not.
and so i guess that means i'd be turning my back on one of us.