I have this friend, Kay. Her mum got cancer when Kay was 2 and died when Kay was 7. It was an incredibly rare form and her case was reported in newspapers, specialists came in from abroad etc.. Eventually, the drugs they gave her helped, but they killed her immune system and she died.

Kay lives with her father (who she doesn't much like), her new stepmum (Alice), a 3yo half-sister (her dad's and her stepmum's) and her new baby half-brother who is a few months old.

Her dad isn't a nice guy. In particular, he never tells Kay anything. He had cancer too (I don't know what kind) and never told her, then it came back and he never told her until it he got the all clear. He didn't tell her that Alice was pregnant (she wasn't living with them then) until she was 4 months gone, or that Alice would be moving in, and when he told her, he did it when he was dropping her and a friend off so that she couldn't make a scene. It doesn't sound so bad written down, but he's really not a nice guy and there's lots of small things he does like that too.

Kay has always felt that this is because he wants to put her as part of his old life - now he has his new life with Alice and doesn't want her there.

---------------------------------------------------------

This morning, Kay's dad told her he might not be able to pick her up from school. He's going into hospital because he's coughing up blood and they're doing exploratory surgery today. Kay had no idea about this at all. She doesn't know any more details than that.

Her dad had TB as a child and has also travelled to lots of countries where TB is common, though not for the last 2 years or so. Coughing up blood is one of the final symptoms, and TB can remain symptomless for years, or it's possible that it could be something else entirely. We don't know.

I found out in first lesson because Kay was very upset. The teacher let us go out of the lesson and I spent about an hour trying to comfort her. But what is there to say? Of course it could be nothing, but quite frankly...chances are it is something. It's very likely he hasn't told her the whole truth. She's already been through all this when her mum died, and even with the world's best specialists and everything they did to help, she still died. If her dad is sick as well, if it's serious, if she loses him...she hasn't really got anything left.

All I could do was hug her and tell her I was sure it would all be okay and not to worry because we don't know what's going on yet, but what fucking use is that? What can I do? What if it is the worst?

---

The problem with comforting someone is everyone reacts differently. Something you thought was comforting could in fact set someone off, making them even more upset.

The best thing to do for her right now is to just be there. You don't have to be there verbally, but let her know you'll be there for her no matter what or when she asks. The hug was the best thing you could do at the moment, and I'm sure she appreciated it.

Depending on what happens with her father (or just because she's stressed out) she might start acting differently than normal. She might become depressed, she might become quick to start arguments or pick fights, she might become quiet. Unfortunately, there really isn't a "right way to grieve/be worried", so, she could even start acting like nothing even happened, and try to ignore it.

You know what kind of person she is, but she may just surprise you, too. However she reacts, just be supportive. If you don't know what to say, tell her, but make sure you tell her you're there for her, and to just ask if she needs anything. Ask her how she feels, don't just assume she's going to become sullen and withdrawn, or pretend nothing's happening, etc.

If anything does happen to her father, try not to make it worse by saying something like "I know how you feel" or "He's in a better place now", or "At least you have ___". If they start off saying something like that, then it may be okay, but sometimes saying things like that set people off too.

If you think she's becoming depressed, whether or not she's becoming withdrawn, becoming negative and bitter, drinking or abusing drugs, or talking about how hopeless she feels constantly, you may want to tell someone.

If the worst does happen, at least she'll have a good friend by her side. I'll be praying for you both. =)

---