About my mom doing drugs, she also drinks. But that's my fault, I basically make her. I run my mouth and she leaves and gets drunk and high. I wish I was a better person....

Sorry about all the editing. I just need to say all this. I used to cut myself and I haven't done it in awhile. But I'm back to the point where I carry this pocket knife thing like I used to do back in the 8th grade. And that was when I would cut 3 or 4 times a day. I've been getting the point where I just think about how easy it would bo for me to kill myself. All I would have to do is cut deep enough, or jump off the roof or get ran over....I hate feeling like this. I hate it so much. I can't do anything about it. I'm so stupid, I want to freaking kill myself over nothing. v.v The only person I can talk to really about this is online and he hasn't been on in a week and stuff...I don't want to message him, because he'll tell me, I'm not worthless or alone or any of that stuff. After he gets mad at me for telling him I want to die. His life is way worse than mine.

Post edited at 11:15 am on Nov. 4, 2009 by Anonymous

alcohol=drug

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And you, demon, what do you have faith in?
Nothing. I am so exquisitely empty

You can't honestly think no one would miss you/be upset/notice if you died. You go to church and school and youth group, plus you have a family- someone would notice, and someone would be upset. No matter who you are in this world, no matter what you've done or haven't done, someone will  mourn your death, even if you didn't know them directly.

You aren't good at anything? I find that hard to believe. Everyone has something their good at, even something small you might overlook. You aren't a snappy dresser, you don't have an extensive knowledge about something most people don't? You don't speak another language, you can't do yoyo or skateboard tricks or anything? You aren't good at video games or know HTML? You don't enjoy writing stories or working out math problems? There must be something you can do better than everyone/the average person.

You look horrible? So do something about it. Get a haircut, get a new hairstyle, get contacts, get glasses, lose some weight, try a different style of make up, have a shave, grow a beard, buy some new clothes. I'm sure someone finds you attractive; you can't honestly think you're unattractive and are incapable of dating when you see 300lb women married happily with children. Come on.

If you're a horrible person, again, do something about it. You don't have to do a total 360 over night and go from the evil step mother to cinderella, but make an effort to change, start with small, subtle things.

Honestly it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you, you just sound like you have self esteem problems, which is fairly common in EVERYONE.

Your mother's problem could also be playing a role in this. Have you talked to her about joining AA or something? Even if she refuses, you need to understand that she's your mother, that you don't cause her to drink, she does it to herself, on her own, and that while you love her and should keep an eye out for her, you are NOT her babysitter. You need to live your own life, you can't let her and her problems control you and the way you feel. Also, you need to be strong for your little sister.

If you really do feel like you have a problem, I'd suggest talking to someone at school or church, and maybe even asking your sister if she'd like to come as well.

Things will start looking up eventually, I'm sure of it. The best of luck to you =)

EDIT:

Okay, with that edit, I would seriously suggest talking to someone in church or at school. An adult, someone you trust. It might feel nice to have someone your own age to talk to, especially with the same problems, but chances are neither one of you are actually going to help one another in the longrun.

Plus, when you start feeling attached, like this person is the only person in the world who can help you/make you feel better, you'll probably start a downward spiral when they get grounded for a week or have to go on holiday for a while.

This might sound stupid, but THINK ABOUT YOUR SISTER when you want to cut or kill yourself. Think about how horrible her life would be, having her older brother/sister kill themselves/end up in a mental ward, and having to either live with an alcoholic mother, or even be taken away to live with other family/foster care.

One of the burdens of being an older sibling is having to be strong for your younger ones, but that can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. It's incentive to get yourself together, to find what's bothering you and try to fix it, so that she doesn't have to go through the same things you did.

Another thing to keep in mind is, no matter how stupid it sounds, attitude has a lot to do with it. If you sit around and say, "I'm a boring depressed loser and no one likes me and there's no point in trying", you'll probably think like that. Not saying if you say, "I'm the best person alive" you'll feel a thousand times better, but it's easier to do something positive for yourself when you have a positive influence.

Post edited at 11:22 am on Nov. 4, 2009 by hannybananny

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my lastfm ^^