The only problem is, he is absolutely terrified of coming out to his housemates. This is beginning to affect our relationship. He texts me less, he sees me less (we go to universities at opposite ends of the country, so distance was always going to be an issue, but blah)

He came out to his mother a couple of months ago. She went mad at him, telling him it was a 'phase', and she eventually ended up trying to send him to counselling.

She's thrown a spanner in the works, because she's completely thrown his confidence. Now he is absolutely terrified to tell his housemates, and I don't think he ever will.

I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to get him to be a bit more confident and headstrong? No suggestions like 'threaten to ditch him', because I won't. I need to stay strong for him while he's at his weakest. Hard as it may be for me to do.

Any help greatly appreciated

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You're the apfel strudel of mein eye.

What Would Thora Hird Do?

His mother may be angry but as with most things she'll come around and remember that hey this is her son, he's still her son and he'll be that forever hopefully. I don't really know his friends so I don't know how they'd take him coming out. HOpefully being his friends, they'd be a bit more accepting than his mother. Do they seem the type or no?

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pressure becomes real only the moment we acknowledge that it can affect us

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I think you said it perfectly yourself. "Stand by him at his weakest" as right now he's pretty much running on low. Reaffirming that you're by his side daily could slowly but surely build up his confidence as your partner usually IS your best friend and you two are close. He loves you he's just scared. Remember that and remind him of it, that you're his friend and when it all goes down who's going to be there for him? You, that's who :)

His mother may be angry but as with most things she'll come around and remember that hey this is her son, he's still her son and he'll be that forever hopefully. I don't really know his friends so I don't know how they'd take him coming out. HOpefully being his friends, they'd be a bit more accepting than his mother. Do they seem the type or no?

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They seem the type. Well, from what I hear anyway. I've never actually met them and they don't know I exist, haha. :/ But I would've thought they'd be fine with it, they sound pretty open minded, and, tbh, it's pretty obvious he's gay to everyone but him.

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You're the apfel strudel of mein eye.

What Would Thora Hird Do?

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Well I think you should help him realize that if he DID announce he's gay it wouldn't come as a shock to anybody and would soften the blow probably.Sound about right?

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Lmao, trust me, I've tried that one. I just don't know how to get him to do it. I've told him they probably all already know, that they wouldn't care, etc.

His mother's reaction has just scared him off of ever saying anything so much, it's untrue. He's convinced it will change everything, and I know it won't.

The thing is, he knows how much it's hurting me and he hates himself for it. He's just too petrified to do anything about it.

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You're the apfel strudel of mein eye.

What Would Thora Hird Do?

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Quote: from SpRiNgS at 8:36 pm on Nov. 5, 2009

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Well I think you should help him realize that if he DID announce he's gay it wouldn't come as a shock to anybody and would soften the blow probably.Sound about right?

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Lmao, trust me, I've tried that one. I just don't know how to get him to do it. I've told him they probably all already know, that they wouldn't care, etc.  

His mother's reaction has just scared him off of ever saying anything so much, it's untrue. He's convinced it will change everything, and I know it won't.  

The thing is, he knows how much it's hurting me and he hates himself for it. He's just too petrified to do anything about it.

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It's like he needs to know its COOL with her and he fels that right now she doesn't accept him and so he can't accept himself?

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pressure becomes real only the moment we acknowledge that it can affect us

Erghhh.

Post edited at 6:13 pm on Nov. 5, 2009 by dougalmcflurry

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You're the apfel strudel of mein eye.

What Would Thora Hird Do?

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I think you're probably right, but the problem is I don't think he's able to accept that himself. He tries to act like his mums rejection means nothing to him, when I know really, deep down, it hurt him quite a lot.

Erghhh.

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I don't blame him for being so hesitant about coming out, that reaction had to be bound to make him feel comfortable and the difference lies in the fact that he can always just ignore his mother and move out but when you have housemates, their perception of you is something you hold highly. It's not even just that, it's probably also because they're close friends and he doesn't know how they'll react or maybe isn't comfortable with that.

You know the coming out process is one that really sucks and it's something that needs to be done one step at a time. I mean, he's probably still recovering emotionally from his mother basically forgetting that she has a gay son, not a mentally ill one. For example, i have this friend I've known for almost 5 years now, I pretty much refuse to come out to her, I think it'll make things awkward, maybe connect some dots I'd hate to connect and maybe have her think differently, although I know she will still love me.

You really have to wait for him to be ready for it, you can't really make him do it, you can't really take a back seat to it and say that it's okay, because it's hurting your relationship, you just have to encourage him along, tell him that it'll be okay and you might want to mention to him that he probably already has the "gay tag" in everyone's mind anyway.

If you've already responded to something with Aaron's posts, I'm sorry, I don't usually read what the other SL says; I'd feel like I'm jacking their shit.

Allen