Twilight in six paragraphs. -- LiveWire Teen Forums

There is a totally plain and ordinary girl named Stephenie Meyer *cough* I mean Mary Sue *cough* I mean Bella Swan. She moves to a miserable town named after a utensil to live with her dad, because of some incomprehensible reason, after all, she doesn't want to go, and no one is making her go, but she goes anyway. Wait, what? The only logical conclusion that can be drawn is that this chick is a retard.

There she goes to school and is instantly popular and loved, and all of the guys fall in love with her on sight. In one class she sits next to this TOTALLY HAWT GUY named Edward Cullen, who acts like a real dick to her (which causes her to be obsessed with him), and then he leaves for a week.

But when he comes back he's really nice and stuff, and they get all smart together in class. Then, in the carpark, a van skids on black ice and comes STRAIGHT FOR BELLA!!!! *gasp*. Then follows some ridiculous, difficult to understand sentences and then suddenly Edward is in front of Bella pushing the van away with his bare hands *shock*! The guy in the van is bleeding from the head, but noobody cares about him, they only care about FRIGGIN' HAWT BELLA SWAN!

Then Bella goes to a larger town to go shopping and somehow nearly gets raped by some sandal wearing thugs. But then Edward turns up out of nowhere and saves her, and on the drive home he confesses to her that he's a VAMPIRE!!1 (like we didn't know that already, it says it on the back cover, morons).
Some other stuff happens, like Bella gets introduced to Edward's family, who are VEGETARIAN vampires, which means they ONLY EAT ANIMALS. That logic's a bit twisted, if you ask me. Also, being 'vegetarian somehow changes the color of their eyes, and they don't burn in the sun, they *sparkle*...pretty.

Then the vampires play some random baseball - clearly Meyer couldn't think up a decent equivalent of Quidditch so had to throw in some other retardation - but some other vampires show up and want to eat Bella, so everyone runs away. But the evil vamp manages to lure Bella away, because she's a complete retard. He tries to kill her, but Edward comes and saves the day... right after she gets bit by the evil vamp. After Edward saves her, she asks why he took so long to help her. He replies with "Because I took the Volvo".

Then they live happily ever after until the next book, which is equally as stupid as the first. They hump like gorillas. Or at least that's what Stephanie Meyers intended it to be. Clearly due to his pale and bony condition, Edward is a sufferer of the dreaded AIDS virus, giving it to Bella is simply another pathetic attempt at spreading propaganda in favor of illicit intercourse. And you thought we wouldn't know Meyers! Incidently, in Meyer's dreadful novel, young Bella Swan is described being in a relationship with Jacob Black.

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-No God No Peace Know God Know Peace-
I see more Pharisees among Christians than there were around Pilate.

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