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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Needing a title !
Replies: 7 — Last Post Nov. 6 6:20pm by demondown666
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( evann92 )


Executive 		Reply
The soft whisper of your voice,
Send's chill's down my spine.
I've fallen harder than ever before,
I'd do anything just to be in your arm's.
It may sound childish,
But,
Baby,
You mean more to me than you'll ever know.
I can't take seeing other girls with you anymore,
I want you to be mine.
You're such an amazing person,
Even if you don't think so,
Beleive it,
Because you are .
This may sound like puppy love,
But,
Baby,
Trust me,
It's not.
I love you.

-------
--she's such a charmer;--
6:01 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2008 | Days Active: 263
Join to learn more about evann92 British Columbia, Canada | Bisexual Female | Posts: 650 | Points: 3,428
LiveWire Humor
hannybananny


Wealthy Hobo
Support Leader 		Reply
Please stop. I'm sorry but you can't write poetry.

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my lastfm ^^  
6:02 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2009 | Days Active: 34
Join to learn more about hannybananny Quebec, Canada | Straight Female | Posts: 2,565 | Points: 4,236
Solomon Grundy



Patron 		Reply
These aren't good, you know that right?

It just isn''t written well. You should do several revisions of it and make sure grammar and syntax are perfect. As cool as it seems to do things first try noone can do it consistently so just double check this shit and make it better.

Post edited at 6:08 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 by Solomon Grundy

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Solomon is a Solo-man
I finally got a fan!
S ϟ G
TOYx is my one and only.

6:02 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2008 | Days Active: 100
Join to learn more about Solomon Grundy Ireland | Bisexual Male | Posts: 18,117 | Points: 30,016
metacarPi


Owner of Johnny Depp.
Patron 		Reply
+

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Save the Planet
Never that which is shall die.
Johnny Depp is my god.
11
6:02 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: July 2006 | Days Active: 925
Join to learn more about metacarPi Ontario, Canada | Metrosexual Female | Posts: 24,817 | Points: 35,994
jordynstar

Quality Control Engineer 		Reply
amazing love?? idk it's a hard one..

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LiVE LaUGH LoVE
6:02 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Oct. 2009 | Days Active: 8
Join to learn more about jordynstar Michigan, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 778 | Points: 870
Areola


Vices Like Vipers.
Sustainer
Support Leader 		Reply
Again, wrong use of commas and breaks.

You don't capitalize unless it's the beginning of the sentence or something such as a place/name.

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She's gone.
She gave me a pen.
I gave her my heart,
she gave me a pen.

6:02 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Mar. 2009 | Days Active: 242
Join to learn more about Areola Kiribati | Posts: 35,312 | Points: 43,365
eklipse



Sustainer
Support Leader
Tech Support Leader 		Reply
Agreed with everything Areola's said in all of your poems.

None of them are particularly eye-grabbing or interesting.

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Maybe I'm your Mr. Right,
Baby, maybe I'm the one you like,
Maybe I'm a shot in the dark,
And you're the morning light.

6:03 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 436
Join to learn more about eklipse Maryland, United States | Male | Posts: 25,402 | Points: 38,107
demondown666


Advisor 		Reply
baby lovin

-------
yep
6:20 pm on Nov. 6, 2009 | Joined: Sep. 2009 | Days Active: 26
Join to learn more about demondown666 Kentucky, United States | GLBT Ally Male | Posts: 244 | Points: 523
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