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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Night Light
Replies: 1Last Post Oct. 24 7:21am by The Mixed Tape
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( lilsmokey425 )


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Critique it!

This little light of mine
Shimmers more brilliant than stars.
Blackness of night tries to consume
Your radiance too bright for dark.

Footsteps echo for miles
Into oblivion and beyond.
This light shows the way as a beacon
Of hope and faith in one.

Shivers spiked by cold and fear
Overwhelm and control.
A twinkle in the corner has power
To protect and comfort the soul.

Pain and pity go away at night
When I'm lost in your eyes.
Invincible and invulnerable
Because you're not far from sight.

Rolling over to turn the page
Has never been a simple task
But you're the most loyal friend I know.
I never have to ask.

A light unto my path
And a lamp unto my feet.
Mr. Nightlight, thank you so much
For being selflessly sweet.

cleansing
Bright blue skies encompassing
Cool breezes and rusting leaves.
A dark soul cannot embrace
When second thoughts are reality.

Subconscious thought rules out good
And scrubs over with bad.
The cross is upside down not by gravity,
But by an evil work. He's mad.

Whiteness is purity.
Clean hands; serenity.
God's water washes away a beast.

Open eyes bring comfort
Through vibrant colors and light.
It's over now.

Post edited at 7:29 am on Oct. 28, 2009 by Hi Carie

-------
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone


9:40 pm on Oct. 23, 2009 | Joined: July 2003 | Days Active: 456
Join to learn more about lilsmokey425 Georgia, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 1,877 | Points: 6,604
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The Mixed Tape


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When I'm lost in your eyes.

This stuck out at me a lot. It's like it was just randomly placed into the poem. While I don't really see where it came from, or what it has to do with anything in your poem. Unless the light's coming from the eyes? Though, you stated that it's from the corner. I don't know, it just stuck out highly of not making any real sense in comparison to everything else. This as well stuck out:

Rolling over to turn the page
Has never been a simple task
But you're the most loyal friend I know.
I never have to ask.

It's like you ran out of things to say; therefore, you started rambling on into something else, rather than completing the thought you actually had to begin with. You do get back on track in the end, but where does all of this come from...?


-------
I live to let you shine.

7:21 am on Oct. 24, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 452
Join to learn more about The Mixed Tape Reunion | Gay Male | Posts: 26,108 | Points: 40,877
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