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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Helium
Replies: 1Last Post Oct. 24 7:10am by The Mixed Tape
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( lilsmokey425 )


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Critique it!

Like helium you filled my empty space
As you would if I was a balloon
And you hung on to watch me grow
and left when I got too full.

You let me go and I flew away
Happy with my new-found freedom
If only I would've known
All of you was going to fade away

The sky was blue and I was golden
Nothing in this world could touch me
Life was just beginning
And everything was in equilibrium

Your gaseous contents kept me afloat.
You were everything I needed
And I flew much too high.
Forgive me for taking you, Helium.

You're unforgiving and cold
And watched me fall to the ground.
I guess it's just what I deserved.
All good things must come to an end.

Cohesion

If we were the last two on Earth,
Would you push me off the edge?
I'd rather fly for ten seconds
Than be stuck together on this ledge.
You breathe fire when you speak,
And it burns me alive.
If I can get away from it
I'll take any length of time.

I was the best you ever had,
But you let me slip from your grip.
I'll never touch you again, now,
And don't save me 'cause I'll slip.

Your hands were never sure,
And your heart was just a tool.
There's no love inside it.
For standing by you, I'm a fool.

Smile wide, sweet bride.
You've got nothing left to hide
Except every second we were together,
And every, "I love you." uttered. All that was a lie.

Don't look for me when all hope is lost.
You won't find me at home.
I picked up all the broken pieces.
Cohesion's a new friend, but I'm better off alone.

Post edited at 7:31 am on Oct. 28, 2009 by Hi Carie

-------
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone


9:42 pm on Oct. 23, 2009 | Joined: July 2003 | Days Active: 456
Join to learn more about lilsmokey425 Georgia, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 1,877 | Points: 6,604
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The Mixed Tape


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It's a decent poem, I guess, but I just necessarily don't like it at all. It's like you're taking a simple concept, but stretching it too much to the point where the reading doesn't get any enjoyment out of it. It almost sounds like most of the thoughts in the poem were either forced, or you just wrote it there to fill a gap. Poetry's supposed to be something fun, the flows out of your head, and which is full of creativity. Not something you struggle to write. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm definitely drawing this conclusion based on these lines:
    Happy with my new-found freedom

    Nothing in this world could touch me

    You're unforgiving and cold
    And watched me fall to the ground.

In all honesty, the whole poem is just awkward, in my opinion. Not "bad" but it's just strange and sounds really weird. :/

7:10 am on Oct. 24, 2009 | Joined: July 2007 | Days Active: 468
Join to learn more about The Mixed Tape Maryland, United States | Gay Male | Posts: 25,460 | Points: 34,491
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