jaula -- LiveWire College Forums

at many moments in my life (nearly everyday) i really feel like im nothing. no relationships (only had one official one in my life), while im at school i have few friends (i have trouble making them due to my social awkwardness, and my closest friend transferred out). i cant say im in the "in" crowd. i keep to myself without meaning to, when i try to talk to people who i dont know really well, the words get jumbled and wont come. my old friends have started on their own paths, and are spreading out, leaving me desperately alone and lonely.
if thats not bad enough my mom is slowly dying from a painful disease, and is also a mental wreck since the man that i thought of as a father tried to kill her on the day of my highschool graduation. my real father is a coke addict and wife beater who had stopped contacting us and paying child support for the last 13 years (although recently he has tried to contact me, and i have rejected this. strangely not out of hate but out of awkwardness)
i really have few people i can lean on, most of my family are assholes who think of themselves or are too emotionally unstable for someone elses problems. and i feel alone hopeless and stupid. and my introversion makes it hard to meet people, and my lack of trust (yes i have been betrayed by my best friend too) constantly makes me hold people at an arms length.
and in addition to that, the raise in tuition costs had made it so i can barely afford school, and i almost got dropped by the school since i couldnt pay my balance. yes, i have applied for many scholarships, they failed. i have also applied for loans, but having no credit card means no credit, which means no loan. and before someone mentions it, i cant find someone who wants to cosign for me. the only person who could had her credit ruined by wachovia's fuck up (i have proof that it wasnt mine) which suspiciously happened about the time when they transferred over to wells-fargo (yes i think it was intentional), and before she could do anything like open another loan, she got canned (because she refused to change patient records to cover for a mistake the doctors made). if that doesnt make matters worse, masshealth dropped me (which they went looking for one reason after another to drop me, i fought the good fight, but they found out the school i go to has insurance, which is something i cant afford seeing how im picking up the slack of my failed loan and the plan the school offers doesnt actually cover anything but their own asses) which is a problem because i have a learning disability and no longer have the meds to service that disablity, making my grades nearly crash.
in short not only do i hate myself, i hate my life. the life spiraling down into deep depression, which i cant even afford to get diagnosed never mind treated for. everytime i try to start over, everything crumbles, everytime i fall in love it is one sided/too late/ they fall for my friends. not that i could blame them.
I know there are people who have had it much worse than me, and that my bitching probably seems humerous to them. i feel horrible knowing that. the only thing that i can even say is that one should not look down on someones suffering seeing it as nothing. sorrow is sorrow, pain is pain.
if your still reading your probably tired of my bitching. but it is about the only way i can vent. it is better than hitting the bottle (which i have) or attempting suicide only to get the cops called on you from halfway around the country. you might be thinking "well there is some one who cares about you" but alas, i love her, and it is one sided, to the point where it is painful to be around her, since it reminds me of my weakness and loneliness. essentially it feels like being rejected by her every she smiles.
by now your probably wondering what this has to do with my original question. my life is filled with a wall of crap thats closing me in. it is like a cell, where all my movements are futile. i have long lost my will, but not even death can save me. if i kill myself, it will start a chain of suicides, starting with my mom. i cant afford to stay in school, and i leave i have to attend school somewhere else full time or i will have to start paying my bills again. im mathmatically weak and am being untreated for my disorder, making it difficult to pass even further. it feels like im restricted, crying for help. i feel God has abandoned me. i reach my hand out but noone grabs it.
reading through this, this is quite dramatic, but this is what is stirring within a shell that wont work. im srry if it irritates you, pisses you off in any way. i dont blame you. at the very least i vented and feel slightly better. what i am really interested in seeing if there is someone like me out there (im sure there is). oh yeah, before i go. i really dont want to see any sappy generic lines like "cheer up it will get better one day" because i have been hearing that since i was 5 (im now 20) and have seen nothing come of it. even if these lines were even the slightest bit true, the lack of personal connectivity, the genericness makes it seem like you need a filler statement to pass the situation (kinda like "ahhhh" or "ummmm" is) as smooth as possible. it may be because i am jaded, but that just sounds insincere and unempathetic. i would much rather prefer "get off your ass you pussy" over that any day. weel im tired, as im sure you are if you read through this. congrats, and srry complaining so much. i just hate this prison, and waiting for a day to break out. thanks for listening, chiao

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