yesterday i felt like shit... i mean a piece of dog poo felt better then me yesterday. anyway this is the msn conversation i had with me best friend today. (well i think of her as my best friend. i don't know if she feels the same way about me anymore... )

Starts here ( I"m Luke, She is Bree in the convo )
___________________________________________

18:36) Luke:  Fate fell: hey?
(18:37) bree.breakdown: hey
(18:38) Luke:  Fate fell: how are you?
(18:38) bree.breakdown: yeh not bad
(18:38) bree.breakdown: u
(18:40) Luke:  Fate fell: not too good  
(18:40) Luke:  Fate fell: i had a shit day  
(18:40) Luke:  Fate fell:  
(18:40) bree.breakdown: aww whats up
(18:42) Luke:  Fate fell: thw rold of luke is dieing
(18:42) Luke:  Fate fell: *world
(18:42) bree.breakdown: aww what u mean
(18:43) Luke:  Fate fell: i feel like starting again
(18:43) Luke:  Fate fell:  
(18:44) bree.breakdown: wait, go back and tell me everything that happened
(18:46) Luke:  Fate fell:  
(18:46) bree.breakdown: stop crying and tell me
(18:49) Luke:  Fate fell: I"m bRoken bree  
(18:49) Luke:  Fate fell: and this time you cant fix me  
(18:49) bree.breakdown: how come
(18:49) bree.breakdown: whats happened
(18:52) Luke:  Fate fell: I'm so lost
I'm barely here
I wish I could explain myself
But words escape me
It's too late
To save me
You're too late
You're too late

(18:53) bree.breakdown: okay you're starting to scare me luke
(18:56) Luke:  Fate fell: Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad.
(18:58) bree.breakdown: luke please tell me whats wrong
(18:59) Luke:  Fate fell: i love you bree  
(18:59) Luke:  Fate fell: and i don;t want to hurt you
(19:00) bree.breakdown: yeah i love you too but u need to tell me whats wrong
(19:00) bree.breakdown: pls dont do anyting stupid, its not the answer
(19:02) Luke:  Fate fell: Should I go back should I go back should I
I feel alone and tired
Should I go back should I go back should I
I hope I won't forget you
(19:05) Luke:  Fate fell: i'm sorry  
(19:05) Luke:  Fate fell: i should have said anything
(19:06) bree.breakdown: what u mean?? pls luke talk to me

(19:12) Luke: I'm so los: I'm sorry  
(19:12) bree.breakdown: pls talk to me, im starting to worry
(19:17) Luke: I'm so los: I'm sorry i have to go
____________________________________________  
Ends Here

that's was last night.... now tonight i felt really shitty again all tho i felt a little better then yesterday and i felt i had some explaining to do to this friend of mine

Convo starts here ( this is the convo we had tonight i tried to explain my self )
_____________________________________________

(19:35) bree.breakdown: Luke!
(19:35) bree.breakdown: LUKE!
(19:35) Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. is now Online
(19:45) Luke: I'm so los: I"m  so sorry bree i should have done this too you...... i just feel like i want to cry. thats the only way i can put it. i love you and i dont want you to be put thew my shit again. it's not right.  

Session Start: Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. (coolhandluke7777@hotmail.com)
bree.breakdown (ross_brieana@hotmail.com)
(21:20) Luke: I'm so los: please don't be mad at me...  

Session Start: Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. (coolhandluke7777@hotmail.com)
bree.breakdown (ross_brieana@hotmail.com)
(18:39) Luke: I'm so los: hey  
(18:39) Luke: I'm so los: um...  
(18:39) Luke: I'm so los: sorry about last night
(18:39) bree.breakdown: fucking thank god!
(18:40) bree.breakdown: you had me sooo fucking worried!
(18:40) bree.breakdown: I thought that you had jumped off a bridge or something .. I didnt know what to do!
(18:40) Luke: I'm so los: i'm so sorry  
(18:42) Luke: I'm so los: i didnt mean to do that to you  
(18:42) bree.breakdown: I was asking what was wrong and you wrent making any sesnse
(18:43) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry  
(18:43) Luke: I'm so los: i just....
(18:43) bree.breakdown: wtf is going on?
(18:44) Luke: I'm so los:  
(18:45) bree.breakdown: dont do this again ... just talk to me
(18:48) Luke: I'm so los:  
(18:49) bree.breakdown: JUST talk to me!
(18:49) bree.breakdown: im conceren
(18:49) bree.breakdown: *concerned
(18:50) Luke: I'm so los: ok...
(18:50) bree.breakdown: please tell me everything
(18:53) Luke: I'm so los: i just feel liek shit all the time now  
(18:53) Luke: I'm so los: and with you not being around anymore
(18:53) Luke: I'm so los: 'i dont know...  
(18:53) Luke: I'm so los: i guess no one loves me anymore  
(18:53) Luke: I'm so los: my mum practly told me that i was a fuck up  
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: druing school
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: and she dosnt want me to go to tafe next year
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: she just wants tme to keep paying her money
(18:54) bree.breakdown: im sorry i havent been around much but that doesnt mean i like you anymore
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: it's ok  
(18:54) bree.breakdown: im sorry
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: i just threw that in there...  
(18:54) Luke: I'm so los: it's not your fault...  
(18:55) Luke: I'm so los: i blame adam  
(18:55) bree.breakdown: what? really?
(18:55) Luke: I'm so los: yes  
(18:55) Luke: I'm so los: but i got nothing agast the guy
(18:55) Luke: I'm so los: you are happy with him  
(18:55) Luke: I'm so los: thats good enough for me  
(18:56) bree.breakdown: wait? why are you blaming adam
(18:56) Luke: I'm so los: lol
(18:56) Luke: I'm so los: i'm not  
(18:56) Luke: I'm so los: i was only joking  
(18:56) bree.breakdown: oh
(18:56) Luke: I'm so los: see i suck at jokes now too
(18:57) bree.breakdown: lol its okay
(18:57) bree.breakdown: i didnt know
(18:57) bree.breakdown: i couldnt tell
(18:57) Luke: I'm so los: lol
(18:57) Luke: I'm so los: it's ok  
(18:57) Luke: I'm so los: i've had a really shitty week  
(18:57) Luke: I'm so los: and i just needed a hug  
(18:57) bree.breakdown: aww -hug-
(18:57) Luke: I'm so los: but no one was around and i thought that i was unloved  
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: witch i am  
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: well i think think that  
(18:58) bree.breakdown: im sorry that i havent been arund
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: it's ok  
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: look  
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: you shouldn't blame yourself
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: i'ts my fault
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: i mean  
(18:58) Luke: I'm so los: i could have called or something
(18:59) bree.breakdown: can i ask you something? and i want you to be completely honest
(18:59) Luke: I'm so los: yeah  
(18:59) Luke: I'm so los: what is  
(18:59) bree.breakdown: do you like me more than a friend
(19:01) Luke: I'm so los: what makes you say that  
(19:01) bree.breakdown: just askin
(19:03) bree.breakdown: ...?
(19:05) Luke: I'm so los: how can i awnser that if you got the nerve to ask me
(19:06) bree.breakdown: just answer the question luke
(19:15) Luke: I'm so los: well i know you dont...  
(19:15) Luke: I'm so los: inst that all you need to know?
(19:15) bree.breakdown: thats not what im asking
(19:15) bree.breakdown is now Offline
(19:21) Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. has changed his/her status to Idle
(19:25) Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. has changed his/her status to Online
(19:30) Luke: I'm so los: nooo bree  
(19:30) Luke: I'm so los: 'wait!
(19:30) Luke: I'm so los: please come back online!!!!
(19:30) Luke: I'm so los: please!!!!
(19:36) bree.breakdown is now Online
(19:37) bree.breakdown: hey sorry my msn signed me out
(19:37) Luke: I'm so los: oh... it's ok  
(19:37) bree.breakdown: so what were u gonna say
(19:38) Luke: I'm so los: well...  
(19:38) Luke: I'm so los: ill tell you  
(19:38) Luke: I'm so los: but i wont do it over msn  
(19:39) bree.breakdown: do drag this out longer than it need
(19:39) bree.breakdown: s
(19:40) bree.breakdown: *dont
(19:40) Luke: I'm so los: well i don't have your new number anyway  
(19:40) Luke: I'm so los: so  
(19:40) Luke: I'm so los: kill 2 birds with one stone
(19:41) bree.breakdown: well..?
(19:43) Luke: I'm so los: well could i have your new number then?
(19:43) bree.breakdown: no, just tell me here and now
(19:43) Luke: I'm so los: why msn is so cheap
(19:44) bree.breakdown: i dont care ... i asked you an important question like 10 mins ago and i still dont have an answer
(19:44) Luke: I'm so los: well i' scared
(19:44) Luke: I'm so los: *i'm
(19:45) bree.breakdown: why?
(19:45) Luke: I'm so los: becuse  
(19:45) Luke: I'm so los: i might not have the awnser you want to hear
(19:45) bree.breakdown: try me
(19:46) Luke: I'm so los: ok
(19:48) bree.breakdown: ..?
(19:48) Luke: I'm so los: this isnt right  
(19:48) bree.breakdown: what isnt?
(19:48) Luke: I'm so los: why would you come out of no where and ask something like that  
(19:49) bree.breakdown: Im just asking a simple question NOW ANSWER IT!
(19:49) bree.breakdown: PLEASE!
(19:49) Luke: I'm so los: what happends if i awser it
(19:49) bree.breakdown: i wont get mad!
(19:50) bree.breakdown: we're friends luke and however you'll answer it it wont change a thing
(19:50) Luke: I'm so los: yes it will
(19:50) Luke: I'm so los: i know it will
(19:50) Luke: I'm so los: it has allready and i've said nothing
(19:50) bree.breakdown: TRY ME!
(19:51) Luke: I'm so los: i bet this is adam? or some one
(19:51) bree.breakdown: No, this really is Bree Luke. You can trust me
(19:52) Luke: I'm so los: how do i know that for sure
(19:53) bree.breakdown: The only thing i can think of it when I was with Ned and you told me about your dyslexia
(19:54) bree.breakdown: and we got into that huge fight
(19:54) Luke: I'm so los: we did?
(19:54) Luke: I'm so los: how come?
(19:54) bree.breakdown: well yeah kinda
(19:54) Luke: I'm so los: tell me about it  
(19:55) bree.breakdown: FOR GOD SAKE LUKE! STOP THIS CHARADE AND TELL ME!!!!
(19:55) Luke: I'm so los: i want to know about that fight we had now
(19:56) bree.breakdown: NO Luke! Just answer the question it really is Bree
(19:56) bree.breakdown: I cant believe you wouldnt believe your own friend
(19:57) Luke: I'm so los: well i've been fucked over like this too manny times  
(19:57) Luke: I'm so los: if it happend again... like this  
(19:57) Luke: I'm so los: i WOULD kill myslef
(19:58) bree.breakdown: Luke, Please dont do this to me
(19:58) bree.breakdown: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!
(19:58) Luke: I'm so los: why do you need to know tho?
(19:59) bree.breakdown: Because Im just curious okay? Is that so wrong
(19:59) Luke: I'm so los: yes
(19:59) Luke: I'm so los: well no
(19:59) Luke: I'm so los: do you know how manny time i have told people this  
(20:00) Luke: I'm so los: and after i've told them  
(20:00) Luke: I'm so los: boom... straight back in my face  
(20:00) Luke: I'm so los: i mean  
(20:01) Luke: I'm so los: it shouldn't matter if i do  
(20:01) Luke: I'm so los: you have a bf  
(20:01) Luke: I'm so los: like what i say will do anything but drive you away anyway
(20:01) bree.breakdown: NO LUKE IT WONT! YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW ME
(20:02) bree.breakdown: JUST
(20:02) bree.breakdown: ANSWER
(20:02) bree.breakdown: THE
(20:02) bree.breakdown: QUESTION
(20:02) Luke: I'm so los: i love the old bree  
(20:02) Luke: I'm so los: that used to be around  
(20:03) Luke: I'm so los: and used to help me and we used to hang out in the city and do stuff
(20:03) Luke: I'm so los: i havent ebven seen you since your birthday
(20:03) Luke: I'm so los: it's like i don'tr egxist anymore
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: so i'm sorry if i am a little hesitent  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: to say withere i like you or not  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: cos i know it will change your friendship in a BIG way  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: and i don't want to do that  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: i don't want to put that in jepordy  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: becuase i have some fucke dup feelings  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: *up
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry  
(20:04) Luke: I'm so los: but that's the truth
(20:05) Luke: I'm so los: so you can yell at me now
(20:09) bree.breakdown: Look, Im sorry that  havent been around but I havent really hung out with any of my friends coz were always busy, please dont take it personally. My life is actually wokring out for once. I have a good job, I've found a great guy who actually treats me the way I've always wanted and I live with him now, I wish i could spend time with all my friends but its hard on all of us and we're all so busy
(20:09) bree.breakdown: and that goes for you too
(20:09) bree.breakdown: and I havent hung out with my BESTEST friend Jayde in ages
(20:10) bree.breakdown: We used to spend all our time together but since we've graduated we dont soend much time together coz she does work and uni
(20:10) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry that must suck
(20:11) bree.breakdown: It does
(20:11) bree.breakdown: Please dont take it personally
(20:11) Luke: I'm so los: i'm not  
(20:11) Luke: I'm so los: dw
(20:11) Luke: I'm so los: i know poeople are busy  
(20:11) Luke: I'm so los: i just feel like my life is a fuckin gride  
(20:11) Luke: I'm so los: *grind  
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: and i'm 18 years old
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: i got nothing  
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: nothing to show for anything  
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: exept a small stash of cash in the back  
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: and nothing to do with it  
(20:12) Luke: I'm so los: why did i just say that  
(20:13) Luke: I'm so los: just disregard the last 8 lines of text
(20:14) Luke: I'm so los: it dosent matter if i like you or not...  
(20:14) bree.breakdown: Dont feel embarassed
(20:14) Luke: I'm so los: your life is going great without me  
(20:15) Luke: I'm so los: my life is that fucked up
(20:15) Luke: I'm so los: i turn a situation about YOU in some shit about mew  
(20:15) Luke: I'm so los: *me  
(20:16) Luke: I'm so los: and i just did it there again  
(20:16) bree.breakdown: Its okay Luke
(20:16) Luke: I'm so los: i dont know what to do anymore
(20:17) Luke: I'm so los:    iDont feel embarassed
i feelPathetic
(20:18) bree.breakdown: you dont need to feel that way with me either
(20:18) bree.breakdown: Im your friend, I dont judge you
(20:19) Luke: I'm so los:  
(20:19) Luke: I'm so los: "
(20:19) Luke: I'm so los:  
(20:20) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry i'm such a screw up
(20:21) bree.breakdown: Youre not a screw up
(20:21) Luke: I'm so los: i didn;t mean to do that to you last night
(20:21) Luke: I'm so los: and now i've dont this to you
(20:21) bree.breakdown: Everyone has their bad times
(20:21) Luke: I'm so los: maybe it's better if i just go away  
(20:24) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry bree
(20:24) bree.breakdown: no dont be like that
(20:24) Luke: I'm so los: i'm sorry for all the pain i cuased  
(20:25) Luke: I'm so los: it's true tho
(20:25) Luke: I'm so los: i mean  
(20:25) Luke: I'm so los: your probly never going to talk to me again now
(20:25) Luke: I'm so los: your probly better off  
(20:26) bree.breakdown: Hey, that isnt true
(20:26) bree.breakdown: Nothing has changed
(20:26) Luke: I'm so los: it has
(20:26) Luke: I'm so los: i know it has
(20:28) Luke: I'm so los: see  
(20:28) Luke: I'm so los: you have gone all quiet
(20:29) Luke: I'm so los: BREEEEEEE
(20:29) bree.breakdown: Im still here
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: i feel bad now  
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: for yelling at you beforew
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: i shouldnt have done that
(20:30) bree.breakdown: its okay
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: no  
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: it's not  
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: i should havent done that  
(20:30) Luke: I'm so los: i should have just trusted you
(20:34) Luke: I'm so los: it's not fair to put you in that position  
(20:37) Luke: I'm so los: see  
(20:37) Luke: I'm so los: your not even talking now
(20:37) bree.breakdown: Im here
(20:38) bree.breakdown: Im sorry Im just a little distracted
(20:38) Luke: I'm so los: by what  
(20:38) bree.breakdown: watching youtube
(20:38) Luke: I'm so los: oh.
(20:38) Luke: I'm so los: well i better let you get back to the you tube then  
(20:39) bree.breakdown: heh, well I was only looking out for you
(20:39) Luke: I'm so los: what do you mean?
(20:40) bree.breakdown: last night
(20:40) Luke: I'm so los: i know... and thats why i love you
(20:40) bree.breakdown:  
(20:41) Luke: I'm so los: you know i'm here for you too  
(20:41) bree.breakdown: yeah i know
(20:41) Luke: I'm so los: argh  
(20:42) Luke: I'm so los: i feel like such a fuck up
(21:01) Luke: I'm so los: so.. um  
(21:06) Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. has changed his/her status to Idle
(21:07) Luke: I'm so lost I'm barely here I wish I could explain myself But words escape me It's too late To save me You're too late. has changed his/her status to Online
(21:07) Luke: I'm so los: there is something still left unsead  
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: *unsaid  
(21:08) bree.breakdown: yeah??
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: and i feel like if i dont say it now then i will never say it
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: ok  
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: yeah  
(21:08) bree.breakdown: yes?
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: i do like you  
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: i liked you from the first moment i layed eyes on  
(21:08) Luke: I'm so los: you  
(21:09) Luke: I'm so los: and i didnt want to tell you is becuase i knew it would change things and i knew it would just fuck everything up
(21:09) Luke: I'm so los: we've been threw so much together '
(21:09) Luke: I'm so los: and now...  
(21:09) Luke: I'm so los: i dont know...  
(21:09) bree.breakdown: Okay, thats fine
(21:09) bree.breakdown: thanks for being honest
(21:10) Luke: I'm so los: well you wanted the truth right?
(21:10) bree.breakdown: Just so you know, my opinion of you and our friendship doesnt change
(21:10) Luke: I'm so los: it's dosent?
(21:11) bree.breakdown: No, I told you that
(21:11) Luke: I'm so los: nor dose mine  
(21:11) Luke: I'm so los: the only reason i bought it up is becuase you asked me  
(21:12) Luke: I'm so los: and i didnt want to tell you before becuase it was the only think i have left  
(21:12) Luke: I'm so los: now that you know.... i guess i can leave this place
(21:12) Luke: I'm so los: but i am glad it turned out the way it did  
(21:12) bree.breakdown: Look its okay Luke
(21:13) Luke: I'm so los: becuase you have been a great friend to me  
(21:13) Luke: I'm so los: and i wouldnt trade that in for anyway  
(21:13) Luke: I'm so los: *anything
(21:14) Luke: I'm so los: i had to put it all on the line  
(21:14) Luke: I'm so los: i don't know i feel like an idioit now...  
(21:14) Luke: I'm so los: but anyway  
(21:14) Luke: I'm so los: 'ill let you get back to your youtubing  
(21:17) Luke: I'm so los: thanks for making me say that  
(21:17) Luke: I'm so los: otherewise i would never have siad it
(21:32) Luke: I'm so los: well
(21:32) Luke: I'm so los: i'm gunna go now
(21:32) Luke: I'm so los: see you later  
(21:32) bree.breakdown: mmkay
(21:32) bree.breakdown: cya xx

______________________________________________

convo ends here...

i don't even know what to say after this... i know it will change things between us. i just know it will. she was all quiet after i told her.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. i feel

"Are we alone, do you feel it? So lost and disillusioned"

i feel that ^ and i don't know what to do. i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. but at the same time i feel really band about the conversation. she acts like she is over it.. but i know she inst, i just don't  know what to do or say... i wish could just go away.  i always told myself that if i was dieing that would be the one thing i would do, with my last breaths i would tell her i loved her from the start. but now that i have done it. i can leave this place. i can die in peace. i feel scared. but i feel reborn at the same time. i don't know what to do please help me.

thanks for reading. if you read it and give a good response. i will give you 50 points. because this is my best friend we are talking about. and also because I'm nice. thanks again. and thanks for reading

-------
As Doyle Brunson says "I started with nothing. I still have most of it left."