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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Please, constructive critisism
Replies: 1Last Post Sep. 5, 2008 1:23pm by KatieKaBOOM
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( Anonymous )

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I suck!!
How to improve this:

My life is nothing but a path
That leads to all we know
My love is like a portal
To what my spirit shows,

A body is a chapter
In a spirits life,
A lump of earth,
We call our own,
For walking upon such wonder,

Our minds are but sweet music,
Simple and pretty to those who feel,
A vision of trickery,
Learnt from those of old
To give us some to mean.

I think its the last para that's the problem. Any ideas?


3:32 am on Sep. 4, 2008
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KatieKaBOOM


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I think it's amazing!!!

-------
It's a God thing! =D
http://www.myspace.com/tentacless

1:23 pm on Sep. 5, 2008 | Joined: Aug. 2008 | Days Active: 143
Join to learn more about KatieKaBOOM Ohio, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 1,729 | Points: 3,266
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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic