Before I begin just let me say that I am not at all a bad person and I hope you can all read this from an unbiased point of view and give me your most passionate and professional responses. If you are here to tell me whether or not what I did was rape just go right to the paragraph with the * above it. If you want to hear my story read it all. During the first week of college I met a girl named Mary. She had a boyfriend in the National Guard and has been with him for quite some time (I think about 8 months). He wrote her a lot from training, sometimes more than once a day. I read a few letters. A lot of the time he talked about having sex with her and how he really hopes she won't replace him with someone else. She instantly became very attached to me. She told me that I was her best friend forever and that she knew we'd be tight for the rest of our lives. She told her boyfriend about how I was her best friend and he instantly hated me. One day when we both went home for a weekend she began texting me from her house about sex. She described a sex scene to me. I knew it was wrong but I continued to play along with it. We texted each other with things we wished we could do together. Eventually she told me she had a crush on me.
For the rest of the weekend these kind of texts continued. Eventually I found out some things about her and her boyfriend. About how during sex she would want him to choke and hit her. She was ok with it, so there's not much wrong I suppose, but it truly disturbed me and I began wondering whether or not the relationship was good for her and eventually I began to encourage her to break up with him. She said she wished she could, but she loved him too much.
My friend Paul hung out with me very often and was usually around me and Mary. One time we went to the mall and she said "I wish he weren't here so we could hold hands."
Basically for the next week or so it was just us talking about how we wish we could be together and etc. Whenever we were alone together we'd sit in the same chair and kind of cuddle, and I'd give her kisses on the cheek when greeting her and saying goodbye. One time when we were all hanging out with our friends she took a picture of us together and I grabbed her chest (stupid thing to do, I know) just for fun in the picture. She didn't really oppose any of this. At one point I was having a shit day, and I was in her room crying for some reason and a couple of times I asked her to kiss me. I knew it was wrong and stupid, and she wouldn't do it. But at one point I stopped asking and after some time, she walked up to me and kissed me for about a second. She felt bad about it for the next few days. I had feelings for her then, but I kind of got over her after a while.
*
One night I was in my bed and my roomate was off with his friends (I never talk to him, we can't connect very well) so I called Mary and asked her to come over (by the way, we were both perfectly straight, and she lives down the hall from me). She did, and she got in my bed. This is where it all happened, excuse the excessive amount of detail but I NEED to tell everything so I know whether or not this was rape.
She got in my bed. Right away I put my arm around her and we began to cuddle. After a while I started to tickle her. She wasn't really ticklish and she playfully told me to stop and moved my hand away. I stroked her hair a bit and touched her chest (both over and under her shirt), none of which she opposed. My hand slid down her waist towards her vagina and she softly told me to stop. I retreated, and worked my way down once again. A little more firmly she said to stop. I did, and then moved my hand down and began to stimulate her. She made some noises of pleasure so I continued. She suddenly grabbed my hand and tore it away saying "really, we can't do this, you need to stop." So I did and we resumed cuddling. Before long, I worked my way down again and fingered her. She came and tore out my hand again, saying that it was wrong (which it was, I know) and that I really needed to stop. So I did. Eventually we were lying on our sides in my bed and my hands found my way into both of our pants. She made me stop a few times again, but eventually one of the times she just didn't say anything and made noises of delight. I jerked myself off and came on her and she came multiple times. We cleaned up and it was so long ago. I don't think she left, but she might have. I'm pretty sure she spent the night.
The next few days were very upsetting. She knew she had to tell him. I told her to too, just not before he came to visit her at college, but she did. He was already aching to kill me and this made him want to even more. We talked it over. About what she told him, about what I should do, about what she should do. She manipulated the story to make sure that I seemed to be the only one at fault (which I am) so he wouldn't break up with her. She said she told him that she locked herself out of her room and needed a place to stay until her roomate returned so she could get in. She told him that she called me and I let her in. She wrote that she told me to stop and drove me away, but I did anyways. For the most part she was telling the truth.
He told her he was going to kill me, and not to speak to me, and to call the cops about it. We researched the law a bit. Turns out it could go either way from our research, but I know that if it goes to court I won't have the balls to fulling defend myself and it will definitely be considered rape, since she did say no, and I did continue. The thing is, she didn't do EVERYTHING in her power to stop me. She could have left, she could have slapped me or something. When I get turned on I have very little self control. So I typed up a letter for her to send to him about what she found out when she "called" the police. This is based off of true information (except for the rape part which I'm still confused about): That it wasn't rape, because of his threats I could get him locked up for 6 months and fine him $2000, that if he hits me he'd be in trouble with the army and locked up for 5-10 years. If he killed me, obviously, he's gone for life.
He has visited. He was here for the last week. He saw me earlier tonight when I was walking a ways in front of him and Mary, he yelled things at me like "hey faggot" and "you better not let me catch you alone". I agreed with Mary not to speak to him or her ever again. Tonight I began receiving texts from Mary's phone. I eventually found out that it was him who was texting me. He was out of control. Telling me to turn myself in, telling me he would put me in the hospital, calling me a rapist and saying racist things (I'm 12.5% Lebanese and he make a bunch of terrorist remarks about me). Apparently he thinks I can't get him locked up because I'll get busted for rape.
It's getting late, there is much more to say and explain but I'm falling asleep typing this so here is my dilemma.
What do I do? It's my first year in college. I have my life ahead of me, a family, a job, helping the world. I don't want to have to put him in jail. I don't want to hurt their relationship any more than I already have. I'm struggling with the adultery thing. Now I have broken one of God's very few and strict rules. In all honesty, i also don't want to get beat up and make a scene. I am doing what I can to make things right, but I can't help but be selfish her and try to eliminate him from my life by locking him up. It hurts me to have hurt people. I have never done something like this (the closest thing was when I drunk dialed my friend when she was straight and came over and made out with me despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. She said she needed to get it out of her system). I am trying to eliminate all of this lust and hate from myself and be who I used to be. I don't want to drink or hook anymore, I just want to be a loving guy who takes care of his friends and other people again, how I used to be. I want to get back in touch with God, because I've been loose with Him since college. All of this has been blocked by this situation. There is nothing I can see to get me out of this. I've decided to tell my mom, my parents are really cool when I'm in BIG trouble. I need help. I can't think straight. I've had suicidal thoughts and am failing college. I can't get back on track on my own. I would never, ever rape somebody. Ever. And it kills me to have him yell at me and call me a rapist. It kills me to know that I've made someone feel that violated.
Hear me out. I'm just a 19-year old who really messed up and needs help. What do the laws say, what are my options. Usually I'd turn to God but I have also betrayed Him. Even though He is forgiving and loving, I refuse to seek His help after what I've done.
If I can't even get help from God, what do I do?
Thanks for whoever read this, I will be watching this all week for responses. Thanks again.
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Thanks a ton, Cherry. I appreciate constructive criticism. The truth is all I want to hear. That you can give a total stranger like me support truly means a ton. I cannot speak to her anymore unfortunately. I am telling my closest friends to be close to me right now and make sure I don't do anything dumb. I've had suicidal thoughts but not actually planned on it. I've gotten in big trouble before but nothing like this. I'll look after myself. Please keep an eye out for this if it's not too much to ask for. 
