Post edited at 4:25 pm on Oct. 7, 2008 by carracer
------- The world is only as sweet as you make it and only as terrible as you see it
9:53 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Dec. 2007 | Days Active: 308 Join to learn more about carracerNew York, United States | StraightMale | Posts: 11,243 | Points: 15,544
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Jadien
Visionary Patron
It's really choppy. The sentences that rhyme ought to have the same syllables.
Really interesting poem, though. I love the use of your words.
9:54 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 216 Join to learn more about JadienTexas, United States | GLBT AllyFemale | Posts: 5,248 | Points: 8,896
It's really choppy. The sentences that rhyme ought to have the same syllables.
Really interesting poem, though. I love the use of your words.
I had that problem when I was writing. Do you have any specific suggestions?
(Its a rough draft, so I am hoping to revise)
------- The world is only as sweet as you make it and only as terrible as you see it
9:56 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Dec. 2007 | Days Active: 308 Join to learn more about carracerNew York, United States | StraightMale | Posts: 11,243 | Points: 15,544
Corey Lynn
Technician
not to bad
------- Living In A World No One Understands
10:01 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 11 Join to learn more about Corey LynnMissouri, United States | StraightFemale | Posts: 129 | Points: 250
untainted
Dairy Product Addict
as a reader i have to say i didn't think it was very good. i have no idea what you were trying to say in the poem.
------- You can not defeat my Wu-tang sword. If life hands you lemons, cut that bitch in half.
10:04 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Jan. 2008 | Days Active: 49 Join to learn more about untaintedPennsylvania, United States | Male | Posts: 1,006 | Points: 1,541
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It's really choppy. The sentences that rhyme ought to have the same syllables. 
