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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

I have a new poem that I wrote
Replies: 4Last Post Oct. 6, 2008 10:04pm by untainted
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( carracer )


Enlightened One
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.

Post edited at 4:25 pm on Oct. 7, 2008 by carracer

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The world is only as sweet as you make it and only as terrible as you see it


9:53 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Dec. 2007 | Days Active: 308
Join to learn more about carracer New York, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 11,243 | Points: 15,544
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Jadien


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It's really choppy. The sentences that rhyme ought to have the same syllables.

Really interesting poem, though. I love the use of your words.

Post edited at 9:55 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 by Jadien

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9:54 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 216
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( carracer )


Enlightened One
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Quote: from Jadien at 9:54 pm on Oct. 6, 2008

It's really choppy. The sentences that rhyme ought to have the same syllables.

Really interesting poem, though. I love the use of your words.


I had that problem when I was writing.
Do you have any specific suggestions?

(Its a rough draft, so I am hoping to revise)

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The world is only as sweet as you make it and only as terrible as you see it


9:56 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Dec. 2007 | Days Active: 308
Join to learn more about carracer New York, United States | Straight Male | Posts: 11,243 | Points: 15,544
Corey Lynn


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not to bad

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Living In A World No One Understands

10:01 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 11
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untainted


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as a reader i have to say i didn't think it was very good. i have no idea what you were trying to say in the poem.

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You can not defeat my Wu-tang sword.
If life hands you lemons, cut that bitch in half.

10:04 pm on Oct. 6, 2008 | Joined: Jan. 2008 | Days Active: 49
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