A lot of people say the girls who are made up, the ones who obsess over their weight, etc. aren't all that wonderful. But then they turn right around and comment on a girl's pic who is exactly like that...and say they look amazing. They fawn over perfect looking celebrities, crush on the "hot" girl...so it's kind of hard to believe that such girls are not all they're cracked up to be.

As a result, I feel like shit. My hair is a dirty blonde, nothing amazing. My eyes are hazel, I'm not skinny, I'm not fat. Just average. My skin isn't always perfectly clear. I don't wear makeup. I don't dress up in skimpy outfits or obsess over fashion. Any time someone comments on a photo of mine, they refer to me as "cute" or "pretty". I'm not the hot girl...

I know this probably sounds like a stupid thing to complain about but I've been hurting over this for a long time now. I can't accept myself, I can't accept that my boyfriend loves me and wouldn't leave me for someone more attractive if he had the chance. I'm a perfectionist and I hate that I'm no where near where I want to be and that it'd take one huge makeover...personality, included...to get there. I'm constantly fighting myself... "Don't eat that, go buy some makeup, go work out for two hours." "No! You're okay, you're loved, live your life, quit stressing."

It's gotten bad enough that I sort of think I should see a counselor/therapist here and get help. I hate myself so much now that I have and still do punish myself via starving myself for a period of time or by cutting or burning (most common) although I haven't done the latter two things in a while. I still feel violent feelings towards myself, a pure self hatred, and it's so painful I can't take it anymore.

I guess I'm not really looking for any advice...just venting, makes me feel a little better...