I see a therapist every week. She's supposed to be helping me. She can't, because I act like nothing is wrong. She helps me with little problems, insignificant problems that don't mean anything. Deep down inside though, I'm slowly killing myself. I'm depressed. So depressed it doesn't even show. No one knows. I tell everyone I'm fine. If they mention me seeming a little down, I tell them I just feel sick. I'm afraid of what will happen if people actually find out just how 'sick' I really am.

I've thought about suicide so much, that it's a common thought to me now. As horrible and selfish as it is, I've actually written notes and thought out ways I wanted to kill myself. Every day is like a struggle for me, and faking smiles and making jokes makes it even harder.

I know there are many others that are far worse off than me. Others are impoverished, or terminally ill, or have some handicap. What hurts me even more as that I'm only thinking of myself. I'm so concentrated on myself that I don't care about those other people. I'm a horrible person because of this.

Another problem I have is making things pretty bad as well. I have a few friends, very few friends, and I primarily talk to them on the computer. I'm so shy, that I rarely even talk at school, with all the people around me, even when I'm around close friends. The thing that bugs me is that, when friends come to me for help, or advice, I give it to them, and do everything I can to help. I do this for them, but not for me. I give people advice that really, I should be following myself, but I don't. I help people with relationship problems, or when they just need to vent. Loss of a friend or close relative, or just when they're angry at someone from school. I help everyone that's close to me, or even just a friend. Always online though.

Bringing me to another problem. I never leave the house. By never leave, I mean I don't do anything other than go to the store, doctors, or school. I don't leave to be outside. I don't go hang with friends. I haven't been to a movie theater in so many years, I can't even remember. I haven't hung out with a group of kids my age, or friends, in years. I'm shy, and so socially inept that I'm afraid I may not be able to help it. It's hard to explain, like even if in my mind, I want to do something, my body won't let me, eventually taking over my mind, causing me to make excuses to not do something, or just get physically ill to avoid it. I do poorly in school because public speaking petrifies me, so I make myself sick, or don't do the work needed to speak, so I can avoid the whole thing.

Yet another problem in my life is, basically, a lack of love. My mom doesn't show love to me, none of my family shows any love to me, no one shows any kind of care for me. I have friends, yeah, but I talk to them so few times, and the times so spread apart, that I feel they don't really care either. People will get mad because we don't talk for a while, even when we're both online, because I'm too afraid to instant message someone first, fear they're busy, or in a bad mood. Again, going back to the body over mind thing that I can't help. I just once wish I had someone to just spend time with, even if it's just sitting alone on a couch. I just want to feel loved. I want someone to love me. I want someone to care about me. And no one does.

I'm fucked up. And no one can tell me any different. I'm destined to live my life alone, and depressed...

Post edited at 8:59 pm on Sep. 27, 2008 by Anonymous