Ok, so i kinda like this guy.
He's really cute,
but he's a total of a jerk.

And then i really really like this other guy.
He's not that cute, but he's amazingly nice.
He's easily the nicest person i know, actually.

But last year i called this nice guy on the phone,
and i told him that i like him. For some idiototic reason.
and
It didn't go over well.
He didn't feel the same way about me so i ACCIDENTLY went bulimic for him.
(I just wanted him to like me as much as i liked him, and i devolped an eating disorder without even realizing it.)
when you have an eating disorder, you don't think anything is wrong.
So then, after i called him my bestfriend told him that she like him. Then they went out, and i became depressed.
He is such a nice guy, and deserves way better than her.
(not saying that i'm better, but there's better out there)
So, while they were going out my bestfriend said that she liked someone else.
So they broke-up.
After they broke-up, i was an idiot.
I called him again and told him that i liked him.
He still didn't feel the same way about me apparently.

I just don't understand.
I'm not ugly or anything, he just didn't like me.

So now i still like him( I've liked him for a year)
I just don't know what to do. He's amazing.
He never even told ANYONE that i called him to say i like him, he understood that it should be a secret.

So idk what to do.
There's still the cute guy, but he's a jerk.

This totally sucks. Life's a bitch.

Right now, you just want a guy to have someone there to care for you. And that's completely natural. It's human and a basic desire. I'm not saying that you should be single forever and never be with anyone.  

But I do believe that needing someone hurts you more than anything. If you need to be with someone, you'll settle for someone who doesn't treat you well instead of waiting until someone better comes along. And right now you're very close to settling for someone you know is a jerk. Why would you date him? Because he's cute? Or just to be with anyone? To have anyone want to be with you? Cause I would bet that better will come along.  

I also understand that you're probably lonely without dating. Maybe your friends are all in relationships. You can still hang out on groups and be close with people. Join groups and interact to satisfy that need for a connection. I know it still won't be fulfilled, but you'll be ok until you meet that better guy. You can do so many activities that will help you have people you can enjoy. And I think that if you felt that connection with people, you wouldn't feel such an intense need to be in a relationship.

I also think you should look at yourself honestly. Are you really stable enough to be in a healthy relationship? Sorry if it seems like I'm calling you crazy. I'm not at all. But I also believe that the strongest relationships do not come from relying entirely on someone to be stable. You've probably heard before that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. And I believe that. Before you can fall in love, really fall for someone, you have to love who you are so you don't depend unhealthily upon your partner for reassurance of your value.  

You obviously have self image issues, based on the eating disorder. And it has to be worked on before you can at least like who you are right now. Have you looked into therapy? I highly suggest talking to your doctor or parent about what's going on with your bulimia. You're not retarded, you know what you're doing to your body. And it's not just the physical impact. You're so clearly hurting emotionally. And you deserve to be able to look at yourself and not feel either hatred or disgust.

How can you change how you see yourself? What do you hate? Can you change? I would suggest making a list. Of every positive thing you can manage to think of yourself. Then you can add to it as you discover more. And as you grow as a person and find out new, wonderful things. Then you'll always be reminded of everything beautiful about you. It's important that you see the positive instead of focusing on the negative. Until you see the balance, you won't be seeing yourself clearly.

Sorry, I kind of tore you apart. But I really hope this helps you. I know how hard it is to struggle with your self image. And how a rejection makes you feel like you shouldn't have bothered hoping for more. But that's not true. And you know what? A lot of guys are attracted to a confident girl. They like seeing a girl who feels good about who she is, it's a turn on. So taking the steps to improve how you feel about yourself will help you so much AND also add a boost to your love life.

I know this isn't probably exactly what you wanted. But I hope you get something from it. And don't be ashamed of struggling with your self image. We all go through it and I would bet that most of your peers are going through the same struggle. So you are not alone.  

The best of luck to you.

Post edited at 9:00 pm on Sep. 28, 2008 by audrey820

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kid, I wrote back,
all lovers betray.