I will surely drown in all of this darkness, all this hate. I hate the way you put me down and make me feel. I needed you today, but you weren't there for me. You started a fight over a petty thing, right when I was about to die inside over a disappointment you did not understand. Fuck you. Those words don't mean enough. I don't really hate you, but I hate how you can make me feel. I'm lost in a world of shadows. Even my own dreams reflect this in voids of nightmares. I want this saddness to end, but that is to want to end my own life. I have been so confused, I do not even know who I love or hate anymore. Moments are good, but life is bad. Times are worth laughing about, but my experiences have me crying. You ave left me in a strange and desolate place, without a map, without direction, without a way out.
Yet you have no idea, because I have never told you.
Once i offered up to you the secrets of my heart, You took me under wing and sheltered me, but only for a day, only for that time, only for a minute. Then you forgot. You forgot because my life is a mask. I smile while underneath I frown. I try to keep this mask on because even I am afraid of what is hidden underneath. My mind has wandered away from my control. My life is not joyful and carefree anymore. I blame this on you, but I know its not true. You have given me more happiness than I have ever known.
And also more pain.
I am lost with no hope for the future. My values have been corrupted, my thoughts drift into indulgences of mutilations. Trumpets cry out within me, but all I hear now is the chilling silence of defeat. Defeat from what?
I speak in riddles to myself even. Perhaps I am afraid that if I write down the truth, it makes it more real. Or more likely, perhaps I don't know what is within myself.
Alone. I am ment to be alone.
Please, just let it end. I want to melt away into the sunset that glimmers atop the rippling waters of the Ocean.
I want out of this cell that has been created from mystery.
No longer do I find myself loving life as I always have before.
Why?
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