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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

A poem.
Replies: 5Last Post Oct. 24, 2008 5:57pm by ocdbabe
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( ocdbabe )


Wealthy Hobo
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Sun high, thoughts low.
She'd never felt like this before.
The young lover was alone
even with a friend by her side.
She wished for rain to match her mood
and remembered the days when she prayed for light.
A friend by her side who spoke kind words
and reassured her she would be just fine.
A friend by her side who thought he knew
and assumed she spoke the truth.
Falling thoughts, rising sun.
She didn't care for serenity though.
All I had to do was look her in the eyes,
and I knew.


-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.

5:40 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: June 2007 | Days Active: 151
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 3,124 | Points: 4,974
dragon14


Professional
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awwwwwww cool i think that you could use more words that sound the same but its fine like that

-------
"lifes a bitch and then you die"     but 4 me its
"lifes depressing and a bitch........AND THEN you die."

5:44 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2008 | Days Active: 81
Join to learn more about dragon14 Ohio, United States | Bisexual Female | Posts: 1,598 | Points: 2,510
chaosdisown


Visionary
Reply
nice use of words, but the lines seem kinda lost in organization...

-------
All life's little problems could be fixed with a bandaid.
Once you are all out, you're screwed.

5:45 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 212
Join to learn more about chaosdisown Michigan, United States | Gay Male | Posts: 7,486 | Points: 9,812
( ocdbabe )


Wealthy Hobo
Reply
Thanks guys, yeah, I definitely am not good with the breaking of lines. Haha

-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.

5:50 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: June 2007 | Days Active: 151
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 3,124 | Points: 4,974
chaosdisown


Visionary
Reply
i mean, the foundation is good, but it needs more structure, something that brings it to life.

-------
All life's little problems could be fixed with a bandaid.
Once you are all out, you're screwed.

5:54 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 212
Join to learn more about chaosdisown Michigan, United States | Gay Male | Posts: 7,486 | Points: 9,812
( ocdbabe )


Wealthy Hobo
Reply
Quote: from chaosdisown at 5:54 pm on Oct. 24, 2008

i mean, the foundation is good, but it needs more structure, something that brings it to life.

I kind of threw it together.I like the general idea, but I know that it needs a bit more.

-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.

5:57 pm on Oct. 24, 2008 | Joined: June 2007 | Days Active: 151
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | Posts: 3,124 | Points: 4,974
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